To be absolutely heartbroken by my 14 year old DF doing this?

[TSwizzlescat]

Dd left her phone on the side of the bath, I moved it as I was about to have a bath myself: When I picked it up it had a text notification from 'mum' definitely not me as I haven't had a reason to text her for days. I could t help myself so I asked her who it was and it turns out it's from her dads girlfriend he's been with 2 years max who is barely 10 years older than our Dd.

I'm just floored and heartbroken. Her excuse was she was angry with me but fuck me I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.... how do I deal with this?

Precisely

A phone is not the same as a diary which is kept on your bookshelf.

Just putting this bit about online privacy/invading privacy and teenagers phones here again. No-one is suggesting phones should not be checked.
I'm not suggesting parents shouldn't check their teenagers phones but it is something that should be done together so you can discuss it with them. You don't have to give them any notice but you should do it with their explicit knowledge. If you don't want them doing stuff behind your back, don't do it to them. Demonstrate the behaviour you want from them. It's a trust issue.

I wouldn't let on how upset you are. It immediately hands a power/ playing off potential to her at an awkward age.

She might currently think she wants her as mum because she's younger/ cooler carries more street cred but the minute your daughter needs support, she'll know who her mum is

Given this it sounds far more like coercion from her Father than a slight against you. What is a name in a phone? Nothing.

Pretend it never happened, go into your room, have a little cry and then have a nice bank holiday. She's fourteen, it means nothing.

This.

It's the only reasonable response.

Yes! This! It will pass and if you respond calmly, kindly, with respect, you will show your daughter that she is your priority. I speak as a mum of younger daughters but who had a very difficult relationship with my own mum who also guilt tripped me & put her emotional needs above my own. Think of the long-term relationship, not this incident, even though it is of course hurtful! you know in your heart that your daughter doesn’t think of her dad’s girlfriend as her mum. Give her a hug and tell her you love her x

Those saying respect your DDs privacy make me roll my eyes. Firstly, OP was not DIS respecting her DDs privacy and secondly, if you want to check your teenaged daughters phone, you bloody check it. But OP glanced at it. End of story.

Have you any idea what goes on out there? Parents need to keep on top of the bloody phones. They are not just phones.

OP, I understand your absolute hurt over this and it is not on.
It is difficult, I too have a (very well behaved, intelligent DD) but they can be brutal. All you want to do is protect them and their mental health, if you are wise, your own too.

Maybe she needs it spelling out to her. If she doesnt have enough empathy that she cant predict that you might be hurt that shes calling her dads girlfriend mum, and not you, then maybe the next time she wants a lift, or pocket money or phone paid, she needs to ask 'mum'.

Or just tell her straight that she might think shes being funny or clever, but shes actually hurt you over that. Was that her intention?

And i dont believe in ignoring it or tiptoeing round teenagers.

She’s 14. She’s already explained her teenage logic, she was annoyed with you one day and changed your name in her phone. Don’t read anything more into it. You’re the adult. Move on or you will cause more damage by making it a huge deal.

Stop doing anything for her she will soon realise who her real mum is !

100% agreed. Do at your own peril.

A very hurtful thing for her to do. Why does she want to hurt you? Normal teenage rebellion maybe. She will grow out of it.

You have every right to check her phone. And she should be capable of not leaving it by the bath.

Just focus on your relationship with her and ignore your ex's girlfriend.

OP did not read the text, just spotted there was a text from 'Mum' and asked DD. Please try reading OPs correctly in future

not in this case. OP doesn't know who on earth the other mum is. It could be a grooming issue or any number unsavoury things going on.

Her mum (OP) has every right to question it. It's called parenting and it's what all responsible parents need to check out in certain circumstances which could be seen as potentially dangerous.

I had my mother down as the creator and my dad down as assistant creator when I was a teenager . Teenagers often give strange names to parents on their phones. You're still her mother. Even now I think I have my mum down as ICE - M in my phone. I've never had her as mum.

As expected lots the answers from people on here are just borderline rude 🙄
I’d be heart broken too ! I remember being a teenager though and did hurtful things that I would never do now so try not to take it to heart

I think I have my mum down as ICE - M in my phone. I've never had her as mum.

I have my parents as ICE contacts but by their full names. They've never been mum and dad in my phone even though I've always called them so in conversation.

I have a 14 year old - last I knew I was in her phone as “the mother”. I’d be letting her know that her action was really hurtful. I’d say I was glad she like her dad’s gf but calling her mum is upsetting. Then I’d move on. Minimal drama - teens love drama.

Of course tell her how you feel. I think you said she done it because she was angry at you? If so, then she needs to know how her actions have impacted on you. She’s 14, not 4.

teenagers need to be responsible for their actions and the fall out of them. How will they navigate through life if they think they can just lash out to hurt others and not face any consequence or even conversation!

Oh and at 14 I still occasionally check DD’s phone. Not often but if I’m concerned her behaviour is odd. I pay for it and have full access. She’s aware of this and we have a no deleting messages rule too. Dd understands my reasoning - two teens I know committed suicide a few years ago due to bullying. Dd didn’t know them but she knows this is where I’m coming from as a loving mum navigating our way through teen years with phones and social media. I never discipline her for what I read, just advise her on how to deal with situations. She usually comes to me and shows me stuff which is why I don’t really check anymore.

Teens can be thoughtless a fair bit of the time, and deliberately spiteful little sods quite often. Leave her be. Say sorry if you flipped out.
I do agree that at least it looks like she has a good relationship with her dad and his girlfriend, it could be worse.

Oh, and yes. Srill check phones at that age. One child has never given me cause for worry, the other one had some smashing self harm photos that I could then start helping them with.

This.
I’ve also had the “I hate you” .
She will no doubt feel terrible in a few years time, that she did such a hurtful thing. Teenagers can be horribly callous and cruel. I say to my dd’s “ouch, that hurt “ but don’t hold it in my heart.
I walked with one dd aged 14 to the school bus, chatting, (I was walking that way anyway), and when the bus appeared she stood as far away from me as possible and then got on without looking at me, saying goodbye or waving. I did tell her off for that later and she said sorry and explained. It was a painful moment though !

Wise and kind words.