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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely heartbroken by my 14 year old DF doing this?

214 replies

TSwizzlescat · 27/08/2022 10:30

Dd left her phone on the side of the bath, I moved it as I was about to have a bath myself: When I picked it up it had a text notification from 'mum' definitely not me as I haven't had a reason to text her for days. I could t help myself so I asked her who it was and it turns out it's from her dads girlfriend he's been with 2 years max who is barely 10 years older than our Dd.

I'm just floored and heartbroken. Her excuse was she was angry with me but fuck me I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.... how do I deal with this?

OP posts:
x2boys · 27/08/2022 20:25

I know it must hurt, but nobody can replace an actual parent ,my own mum called my dad's parents parents mum and dad as was quite common in years gone by ,it didn't mean she didn't love her own mother more ,it used to be a term of affection ,she also called her stepdad who married her mum when they were both in their 60,s dad ,her own dad died when she was 8 he hadn't brought her up they only got together when she was 30 ,it was just a term, she knew who her actual Dad was and misses him to this day at the age of 80.

Marotte · 27/08/2022 20:38

I would just roll your eyes to yourself and not bother being heart broken.

This is a good strategy for dealing with teens unless their behaviour or problems are very long term or complex.

Blueink · 27/08/2022 21:26

OP just saw your update - and came on to say the way you dealt with it was perfect. Some PP don't seem familiar with teenage girls, the whole takeaway thing shows how silly it can get. You are dealing with a difficult situation with your ex and on the receiving end of most of the teenage whims and moodiness. I can see why this would have been triggering, but engaging with this teenage logic would have been counter productive.

JustLyra · 27/08/2022 22:26

x2boys · 27/08/2022 20:07

She's 14 not a small child her father may have form for doing this in the past ,but you can't force a 14 year old to call another person mum ,I haveca 21 year old step daughter things ,I would never over step the mark she has one mum .

Show quote history

Abusive and/or manipulative men can make women, and children, do lots of things.

It’s just stupidity to completely discount the situation with her father in this.

Liorae · 28/08/2022 00:15

JustLyra · 27/08/2022 22:26

Abusive and/or manipulative men can make women, and children, do lots of things.

It’s just stupidity to completely discount the situation with her father in this.

Show quote history

So can abusive and manipulative women, and indeed abusive and manipulative teens.

YKND · 28/08/2022 00:22

All I can say I suck it up. She had no choice with regards the people her parents ended up with - so she can feel about the people involved any way she wants and express that any way she wants.

JustLyra · 28/08/2022 00:57

Liorae · 28/08/2022 00:15

So can abusive and manipulative women, and indeed abusive and manipulative teens.

Show quote history

and your point is what?

Theres nothing in the posts suggesting the OP is abusive or manipulative. The father has clear form.

Given his antics before it’s stupidity to discount that situation and assume it’s merely a stroppy teen.

Rather than being angry and confrontational as some are suggesting the OP should be concerned.

Endlesslypatient82 · 28/08/2022 06:58

Op you are focussing on the wrong issue. It is a drop in the ocean compared with what seems to be going on between you and your daughter, and your daughters behaviour.

She was angry at me because I wouldn't buys take away for dinner as I'd already bought and started cooking for dinner

Angry at you? Good Lord

Q2C4 · 28/08/2022 08:37

Ouch. That must have felt like a re kick in the teeth. I bet it's just teens being teens. My sister at that age had my mum's number in her phone under "B&B." That was just a phase & they are very close now.

Endlesslypatient82 · 28/08/2022 08:44

Q2C4 · 28/08/2022 08:37

Ouch. That must have felt like a re kick in the teeth. I bet it's just teens being teens. My sister at that age had my mum's number in her phone under "B&B." That was just a phase & they are very close now.

Oh come on! That’s a joke. It’s like me having my son in my phone as “carnage” (he is hopelessly disorganised and invariably calling to tell me he can’t find something!)

ehat the op describes the situation between her and her daughter is far darker

Liorae · 28/08/2022 12:46

JustLyra · 28/08/2022 00:57

and your point is what?

Theres nothing in the posts suggesting the OP is abusive or manipulative. The father has clear form.

Given his antics before it’s stupidity to discount that situation and assume it’s merely a stroppy teen.

Rather than being angry and confrontational as some are suggesting the OP should be concerned.

Show quote history

The daughter also has form for being abusive and manipulative.
The family dynamic is terrible. I would suggest family therap.

AMindNeedsBooks · 28/08/2022 19:31

Not RTFT but all OPs posts.

Can't believe people are saying not to mention anything and not be hurt! Teenagers can lash out and be petty yes, but they absolutely need to told why or else you're going to end up with a spoilt adult with no empathy.

No idea how so many would feel nothing if their child was calling someone else Mum.

All this 'protect the children' but not check their phone (although the OP wasn't intending on doing that) when it'll be the same people telling others 'why aren't you monitoring their phone when they are still a child?' should something untoward happen.

Hope you're ok OP, ignore the negative people on this thread Flowers

AMindNeedsBooks · 28/08/2022 19:49

Endlesslypatient82 · 28/08/2022 08:44

Oh come on! That’s a joke. It’s like me having my son in my phone as “carnage” (he is hopelessly disorganised and invariably calling to tell me he can’t find something!)

ehat the op describes the situation between her and her daughter is far darker

Show quote history

You're not a hormonal 14 year old. You have just called your child carnage though, so you've clearly thought it but have enough control as an adult not to use it.

'Darker' is just ridiculous. Only thing that may be dark is if her Dad is pushing this.

Endlesslypatient82 · 29/08/2022 07:01

AMindNeedsBooks · 28/08/2022 19:49

You're not a hormonal 14 year old. You have just called your child carnage though, so you've clearly thought it but have enough control as an adult not to use it.

'Darker' is just ridiculous. Only thing that may be dark is if her Dad is pushing this.

Show quote history

Im confused! I call my son “carnage” pretty much on a daily basis!

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