To be absolutely heartbroken by my 14 year old DF doing this?

[TSwizzlescat]

Dd left her phone on the side of the bath, I moved it as I was about to have a bath myself: When I picked it up it had a text notification from 'mum' definitely not me as I haven't had a reason to text her for days. I could t help myself so I asked her who it was and it turns out it's from her dads girlfriend he's been with 2 years max who is barely 10 years older than our Dd.

I'm just floored and heartbroken. Her excuse was she was angry with me but fuck me I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.... how do I deal with this?

Rolling eyes at the invasion of privacy comments where op saw the word ‘mum’ pop up as a message on a phone!!!! Hugs op, just remember your daughter has gone through a lot too and you want to be able to joke about this in the future

A lot of posters have no idea how this would feel so I would disregard their comments.

OP - My sister was in a very similar position. Separated from husband and his newish partner not only asked their children to call her mum but she would also take my two nieces on expensive shopping trips, spending hundreds! Silly money on expensive make up brands and very expensive lunches in swanky places. Unfortunately they were both early teens so very impressed by all this. My sister is a nurse so a moderate salary, the other woman owned her own business.

My sister had a really hard time dealing with this but eventually her daughters started to realise that their mum was ‘their mum’.

Yea that would hurt and I’d tell DD it hurt too

Even before I read this msg by OP I thought OP was projecting too much. OP doesn't know why the girl uses the names for ppl in her phone how she does, or what the usage means to the DD. The girl may see the names as reminders of what to say to keep the peace or as simple irony. The girl may see the relationship with her bio mother as so secure that it doesn't need special name protection.

Dragging in old resentments against the girl's dad isn't going to make anything better.

To those telling me to respect her privacy I literally picked up her phone to move it as it was left on the side of the bath and I didn't want to get it water damaged as I was about to run a bath- the notification for the text was on her Home Screen - I didn't read it I just saw that she had a text from 'mum' and I knew it wasn't me.

I do want her to have good relationship with dads girlfriend and I have told her this before as well.

She was angry at me because I wouldn't buys take away for dinner as I'd already bought and started cooking for dinner- hardly world's worst parent but her dad and girlfriend only eat takeaways so she thinks she can demand them all the time at home (she's hardly deprived, we usually get a takeaway or go out for dinner once every week!) We do clash a lot but that's hormones and her age and I always approach things with calmness, love and care but clear boundaries. Not saying I'm perfect, who is?! But I always try to rise above the emotional response and treat her with love and care even when she's being completely unreasonable and I want to tell her she's being an absolute nob

The reason I mentioned the girlfriends age is because I find it quite gross that he's dating someone so young that she's no older than my other daughter that he tried to make call him dad but I'm not by any stretch of the imagination jealous! She is more than welcome to him. He's an overweight abusive drunk so god knows what she sees in him.... money I'm guessing!!

I also didn't get angry at her. I asked her who was in her phone as mum and why. I told her it made me feel sad, that I'm her mum and I always will be and that I loved her and then went for a walk to try and clear my head and have a little cry in private.

@TSwizzlescat I'm 100% with you OP, I'd be devastated and bloody furious! Rightly or wrongly.
So she's changed you from 'Mum' to 'something else' and put her Dad's new play thing as 'Mum?' Why are people missing this? Thats absolutely appalling!!!!!!
Could they be making her do this? Or has she done it if her own volition? If the latter then I'd be having a very serious conversation with DD.

At 14 she is old enough to realise that even Mum’s having feelings, and it’s not a nice thing to do. So definitely tell her how you feel, and that you expect better from her. You don’t go around putting daughter on your phone to other kids because you are cross with her, do you?

But as others have said, she’s also still 14 so say your piece and then, take her out for cake. She needs to see that her real, actual Mum is strong enough not to crumble and will always be there for her. And best done with a light hearted chat and cake I find.

And do apologise for looking at her phone (although at 14 I think it’s on that cusp where they can’t be expected to have complete privacy - online internet dangers and all of that - tricky balance though as she’s almost out of that)

God that's awful! I imagine it's partly driven by him and partly her being a teenager that doesn't understand what it's like to be a mum. She won't understand just how much of an impact her actions have. All you can do is keep going making sure she knows she's loved and keeping fair boundaries and she'll grow up and one day she'll be sad that she ever did it.

OP

You are her Mum

That woman who is your ex husband's girlfriend should not be encouraging this either and should say that you are Mum and no one else is.

Dad's girlfriend should be First Name

Unless she is doing this on purpose.

And do apologise for looking at her phone (although at 14 I think it’s on that cusp where they can’t be expected to have complete privacy - online internet dangers and all of that - tricky balance though as she’s almost out of that)

Wrong. She is just getting into that.
She is a CHILD.

I agree with you on the rest. Except taking her for cake. WTF?
Cake? Why?

There are some odd people on this thread. If you think pretending you don’t have feelings when your kid is hurtful makes you a better parent, I would massively disagree. It just gives them the impression that the ideal person / partner will put up with shit and not mind, because hey, that’s love. My in-laws are like this with DH’s younger brother. He is on his second divorce.

^

All of this. She's been thoughtless but don't take it to heart. It'll change every week probably.

@adriftabroad bit aggressive on the old cake there!

Soz!

Oh, OP. I completely sympathise. It's a horrible thing to have happen.

This is a different scenario as your DH knew his second Dad from the age of 2 and is now an adult so has known him for many years.

Teens are dicks sometimes and know what buttons to press.

This is so true. I love my dd to bits but she can drive me utterly mad and she really knows how to hurt me. I know it’s difficult but you have to rise above it. I find that walking away and reminding myself that she’s just a teenager and I’m a bloody adult who knows better stops me reacting to her nonsense. Most of the time.

Fwiw I started to call my mum a nickname instead of mum when I was about 14 and a bit of a clever twat. My dm never let on that she was upset but I think she must have been. I feel terrible now obviously but the name has stuck but become more of a term of endearment for dm rather than something that a smart arsed teenager was saying to wind her mum up. We laugh about it now and my dm often reminds me of the shit I used to do when I complain about dd.

I don't know what my son has me as now but at 14, it was definitely "Mum" (thank you kind Edinburgh Fringe performer who called "Mum" when he found son's lost phone)

It's good that she has a nice relationship with her Dad's partner, she has 2 'Mum' figures in her life. My DH has 2 'Dad' figures, his biological Dad and his stepdad who he has lived with since he was 2. Both offer different but equally rewarding relationships

The OP's daughter is 14, the girlfriend is 10 year's older. That's not a "mum" figure.

I definitely understand how devastated you feel 💐

After reading your early update, I think it’s likely her dad has demanded the change to ‘mum’, she probably has to call her that too. Your dd could have been told to change your name to whatever it is now, or she could have just put you as the first thing she could think of under pressure from her dad.

She just trying to get to you and yank your tail. She even said she was cross with you.

Ignore it. Be bigger. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on.

She's 14. Of course she's going to use every trick in the book over the next few years at some point, it's what they do - test boundaries. She's growing up. They can be heartless at times. But they come full circle.

Of course you will ALWAYS be her Mum. She's just being silly. See it for what it is, a 14 year old testing boundaries.

When she's heart-broken, or has something awful happening in her her life - who will she come to?

You.

Just move on and pretend it's all fine. And don't make it all about you too much.

Listen to her, find out why she's angry and tell her to be reasonable as well. You can tell her it's hurtful behaviour but leave it at that. She's 14. You have to see past their little games.

That would hurt. But I agree with others who advise trying to under react. She does know who her mum is.

Absolutely

Yes, that would hurt me.

I would talk to your DD, being open and honest about your hurt feelings, how much you love her and that Ultimately its her choice how she addresses people.

Its also a good opportunity of teaching her its healthy to talk about things that upset us and not bottle it up, "pretending" we are all ok is never healthy.