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AIBU?

To be absolutely heartbroken by my 14 year old DF doing this?

214 replies

TSwizzlescat · 27/08/2022 10:30

Dd left her phone on the side of the bath, I moved it as I was about to have a bath myself: When I picked it up it had a text notification from 'mum' definitely not me as I haven't had a reason to text her for days. I could t help myself so I asked her who it was and it turns out it's from her dads girlfriend he's been with 2 years max who is barely 10 years older than our Dd.

I'm just floored and heartbroken. Her excuse was she was angry with me but fuck me I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.... how do I deal with this?

OP posts:
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Marotte · 27/08/2022 16:41

How do you deal with it? Rise above it, don't make a fuss about it. 14 is a very difficult age, having separated parents and a quasi-step mother who is only 24 must be very confusing even though she may not think she feels this way. The parent doing most of the hard work is usually the one who gets all the grief at that stage. When she's 17+ (or maybe in her 20s) she will in all likelihood be able to recognise how awful she was and how well you dealt with it, and she will learn something about potential future mothering (if she wants to be one), so long as you come out the other end of her teens with a half-decent relationship to build on. Making it an issue will make matters worse. But do continue to vent here, with a very trustworthy friend, or with a therapist, as your pain is very real and reasonable.

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CanaryShoulderedThorn · 27/08/2022 16:44

Ouch, the little bugger!
Bet she left that unlocked phone there deliberately, knowing you would find it sooner or later.
Let it go, when the chips are down she knows who her Mum is.
Remind me again why we have kids 🙄

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Arbesque · 27/08/2022 16:46

Teenagers do strange things and rage at their parentsfor nothing. Your daughter will look back on this one day and wonder what on earth she was thinking. She knows you're her mum.

And ignore some of the silly, unhelpful replies you've got on here.

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CanaryShoulderedThorn · 27/08/2022 16:46

I remember telling my Mum that I hated her when I was about 14.
Her reply was "well I love you everything and I always will".
Rise above it.

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Bangolads · 27/08/2022 16:48

I would find this hard too- bless you. Ignore the idiots on here.I have a step mum and I don’t think I ever called her Mum, I’m very close to her but it wasn’t the same relationship as I have with my mum. I have no idea if it upset my mum- it might have!

I do remember my mum saying she felt my Dad’s wife made him a better Dad and the more people who cared about us the better. However I would be just as hurt as you in your position ( I was a single mum so could have happened).
The GF obviously can’t take the role of mum though and no doubt your daughter is just naturally breaking away in that way teenagers do, albeit in a hurtful way. It’s normal to break away and should happen, so just try to ignore it.

Apologise to your daughter and say your glad they have a good relationship and leave it there. I think it’s probably quite important you handle this well towards her but by all means have a good rant and weep in private. You’re her mum and nothing can change that.

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JustLyra · 27/08/2022 16:53

Dalekjastninerels · 27/08/2022 13:04

Incorrect!

OP is the daughter's Mum

Dad's girlfriend is not and never will be.

I count my blessings I am childless and unmaried if this i how things end up a husband who leaves and a daughter who who calls Dad's girlfriend Mum.

What’s incorrect?

why would someone suggest stupidly changing the name to “skanky” when if clocked by the father - who the Op has already shown isn’t pleasant - will cause WWIII for the child?

its fucking stupid advice.

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mam0918 · 27/08/2022 17:05

I was taught thats the ultimate disrespect... I do have a stepfather who I call dad but he raised me my whole life nearly in abcense of my bio deadbeat dad but thats because its a title you EARN not something to be handed out to any one (bar gay parents etc... then most people only have 1 real mam and 1 real dad even if they have other bio/step parents too).

My mam who raised my is my only mother, I would never replace her its straight up cold and callous.

That said I have friends who wierdly (to me) have the opposit view and will call their friends parents 'mam' and their MIL 'mam' and alsorts as if the word has zero meaning... personally I find it so wierd and wouldn't be comfortable being called 'mam' by someone I wasnt a proper mam too.

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WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 27/08/2022 17:19

That is fucking bizarre. Calling her dad's new girlfriend MUM is bloody freaky. WHY? Confused I know a bunch of people who have step parents they have known 20 or 30 YEARS, since they were 8-10 years old, and they have always called them by their Christian name/forename. Even after all that time. Even the ones who absent parent has left years ago and they've not seen them for many years. Why would a girl of 14 call her dad's new flame mum? Weird. Never known anything like it. YANBU @TSwizzlescat

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IrishladyNE · 27/08/2022 17:26

My ex would have been the type to encourage something like that to stick the knife in. My daughter was too young, only 2 years old so he couldn’t really pull stunts like that. She come back and say Dad said So and so if beautiful. Break up was so long ago she’s now 9 and doesn’t bother due to my lack of response. He sounds like a manipulative twat.

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Sceptre86 · 27/08/2022 17:27

She will change it back in her own time but I totally understand the upset. I remember being that age and I remember actively disliking my mum at times, we have a great relationship now. Sometimes kids do lash out at those they are closest too because you are a 'safe' person. It's shit but I would ride this out.

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TheWordWomanIsTaken · 27/08/2022 17:31

Agrudge · 27/08/2022 12:13

Maybe her other mum respects her privacy

She doesn't have an 'other' mum.

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sweeetpotatoes · 27/08/2022 17:34

Everyone who is saying it's not a big deal/the daughter hasn't done anything wrong/rise above it....

Like fuck would you people be reacting like this if your child did this to you.

OP. Your daughter has been a little cow. You have every right to be upset and I'd make sure she knew I would upset if it were me.

Obviously there is a way to handle teens and a way to approach this situation would throwing petrol on the flames. But you've every right to address it and tell her how you feel, in an appropriate way.

I would say something like

It's really hurt me that you have replaced my name with your Dads girlfriend in your phone. I'm your mum, not her.
You can have a great relationship with her, without calling her mum.
Obviously it's upto you what you do and what you put in your phone, but I am hurt.

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DatingIsDifficult · 27/08/2022 17:44

Ouch. I really would feel so unbelievably hurt at that, I’m sorry.

Is it possible she’s trying to fit in with school friends who do this? That, for me, would be a best case scenario.

Try to let it wash over you and not hold any resentment towards her for this. That’s my only advice.

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Walkingalot · 27/08/2022 17:56

I'd be very hurt by this, especially as you say, she's given you a nickname instead of 'Mum' in her phone. I'd have a chat with her and gently raise the subject. Ask if there's any reason why she's 'demoted' you or had they asked her to. Could she even use 'Mum1' and 'Mum2' maybe. She's old enough to understand that it has hurt your feelings.

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Sartre · 27/08/2022 18:00

I’d be gutted too but it’s a really tricky age. I detested my Mother between the ages of 13 and 17, I just couldn’t stand her. She probably did do this to spite you for something you did that was rather insignificant, teens are spiteful.

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Murdoch1949 · 27/08/2022 18:07

She's a teenage girl who wants to kick back. She knows who her mum is, and it's not the gf. Ignore it, be your usual loving mum, and be there to pick up the pieces when needed. Say absolutely nothing about the gf, her age, actions, presents etc, grit your teeth and move on.

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AgathaMystery · 27/08/2022 18:44

Baffled by the posters saying you should have respected DD privacy.

she’s a 14yr old and unlikely to be able to fund her own phone. It’s OP’s phone that she lets her child use. when I was 14 every interaction with friends on a phone occurred in the family hallway on the house phone. There wasn’t any privacy.

14yr olds shouldn’t have privacy on mobile phones and this thread is a prime example why.

OP I would tell her you are very upset with her and leave it at that. Also check her phone regularly.

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DysonSphere · 27/08/2022 18:57

Murdoch1949 · 27/08/2022 18:07

She's a teenage girl who wants to kick back. She knows who her mum is, and it's not the gf. Ignore it, be your usual loving mum, and be there to pick up the pieces when needed. Say absolutely nothing about the gf, her age, actions, presents etc, grit your teeth and move on.

Why should she say nothing?

What does that teach a teenager about respect for other people's feelings?

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InFiveMins · 27/08/2022 18:58

She's just being a teen and probably trying to impress the girlfriend. Don't make her feel bad for it. Rise above it.

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JustLyra · 27/08/2022 19:01

It’s amazing how many people are completely ignoring the situation with the girls father, his form for this sort of thing (therefore the pressure she’s possibly under), and the fact she’s seen him completely cut off her sister.

This isn’t just a standard teenager being a dick situation and the OP has to use more caution than most until the true situation is totally clear, as it’s not atm.

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Pumpkintopf · 27/08/2022 19:17

It's ridiculous and inappropriate if her father is encouraging her to call his very young girlfriend 'mum'.

And she shouldn't be calling her that in her phone either.

She's not her mum. You are. And I'd be sitting her down and telling her in no uncertain terms how hurtful she has been towards the person who is constantly there for her.

Teenagers are hard work sometimes.

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x2boys · 27/08/2022 20:07

JustLyra · 27/08/2022 19:01

It’s amazing how many people are completely ignoring the situation with the girls father, his form for this sort of thing (therefore the pressure she’s possibly under), and the fact she’s seen him completely cut off her sister.

This isn’t just a standard teenager being a dick situation and the OP has to use more caution than most until the true situation is totally clear, as it’s not atm.

She's 14 not a small child her father may have form for doing this in the past ,but you can't force a 14 year old to call another person mum ,I haveca 21 year old step daughter things ,I would never over step the mark she has one mum .

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Marotte · 27/08/2022 20:21

You start by respecting her privacy.

'Respecting the privacy' of 14 year old children to the extent that is often recommended in society is why too many under 18s are being groomed, encouraged into dangerous challenges, watching extreme porn, and otherwise getting into strife they are not ready or equipped to deal with. (Although this is, probably, not what is happening in this case.)

Like policing, a "with consent" approach (ie you are under 18 AND I am paying the bill, these are my ground rules, but I will do what I believe as your parent is required to keep you safe and educate you, and no more) and usually a light, age appropriate, touch, is the best way. For 14 year olds, monitoring software is also a very good idea. They should know it's on there.

In this case, accidentally seeing something that upset her when moving a phone away from water is not disrespecting her privacy either.

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WhenWhyHow · 27/08/2022 20:22

How about starting to respect her privacy?

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Marotte · 27/08/2022 20:22

One very important reason why. Not the only reason, obviously.

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