To be absolutely heartbroken by my 14 year old DF doing this?

[TSwizzlescat]

Dd left her phone on the side of the bath, I moved it as I was about to have a bath myself: When I picked it up it had a text notification from 'mum' definitely not me as I haven't had a reason to text her for days. I could t help myself so I asked her who it was and it turns out it's from her dads girlfriend he's been with 2 years max who is barely 10 years older than our Dd.

I'm just floored and heartbroken. Her excuse was she was angry with me but fuck me I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.... how do I deal with this?

Odd how that never applies to partner/husband's privacy, it seems to be perfectly acceptable to snoop in his phone!

FFS! There are some really twatty responses on here🙄

OP would have been a bit of a kick in the tits. They can be little arseholes at this age and it last for a good few years but honestly hang on in there and they do turn in to nice humans - eventually!

Oh I can see that would hurt!

But she is a teen, they are constantly trying on different personas. She knows you are her mum.

Fine to be clear that you think it’s off and it’s not nice to try and deliberately upset you, but beyond that, ignore it.

I think you’re entitled to feel very hurt by that and at some point when you’re talking to her, I would explain just how upset it made you feel.

Yes she's a child and also growing into an adult - its a confusing stage so "getting" her to do anything is not a good way to go.

She’s your Dd and always will be, you are the one she feels safe enough to be angry with, and 14 year olds are massively insensitive etc.

I understand why it was a shock, and it is irritating, but try not to take it too personally, or affect your relationship with your Dd.

Perfect,
A little bit of cake and time out together goes a long way. Keep it as light as possible. But also tell her how you feel without making it a big guilt trip.

Ouch!!

Tbh I'd just ignore it.
She knows you're her mum. The GF is probably in favour at the moment because she's young and fun. You'll be the one she comes to for any problems though not someone she's known for 2 years.

I think that you have to accept she has a good relationship with her dads gf. If she has referred to her as mum it's more likely to press your buttons rather than her genuinely replacing you.

However what you don't need to accept is unchallenged disrespect. I think that there is nothing wrong with explaining that it was a hurtful thing for her to do. Children need to understand that they too can cause harm to others, it's part of learning about how your actions impact others.

Nothing wrong with trying to teach teens not to be callous

If her Dad has form for this I suspect she has changed names to keep the peace when she's there - also, by changing your name she keeps YOUR texts private from her dad/step mum.

I had the same thought as @Misunderestimated if she has an accident and the ambulance people used her phone for contacts op wouldn't be called. I personally would explain why it upset me and ask her to change it for that reason .......
Having said that I can't quite get my head around why she would do that but mine were all boys so I have no experience of teenage girls.

Completely agree with this. Yes teenagers do some shitty stuff but if nobody points out to them how their behaviour impacts on others, how on earth do they learn. No wonder there are so many selfish, spoilt, entitled young people these days 😳😳😳 as a PP has said next time she wants money /a lift / something from you, your response should be 'ask mum!'.
I'd never have dreamed of doing something this nasty as a teenager, because my parents made clear to me the consequences of behaviour.
I'd be having a long chat with her and making her well and truly squirm!

Ouch, that’s tough. I too would be very hurt. But teenagers swing from one emotion to the other. You’re the one who makes sure homework is done, she’s cleaned her room, put clothes away, cleaned her teeth, goes to the dentist —- Dad’s girlfriend plays mum by buying the sweets, nail polish, watching Netflix.
It will come good again. For now I wouldn’t let her see it upsets you, smile benevolently, eye roll. It becomes less attractive to teens when it doesn’t get attention.

I get it, OP!
In this situation I'd be hurt and a bit annoyed too. I wouldn't expect my DD to change the name but I would calmly tell her how it makes me feel. I pick and choose my battles but I do call my DD on her behaviour, especially when it's particularly hurtful and selfish (even unintentionally.)

It's on her private phone , you shouldn't have even seen it.You need to let it go.

There are ways of doing it though and playing spiteful games like that isn't on

I agree.

It might be hard to see beyond your own feelings at the minute, but the most important thing is this woman loves and cares for your daughter and so much so your daughter wants to call her mum. I would be thankful your daughter is surrounded by people who love her and than she feels safe and secure with.

So he's with a 24 year old!?
And she's calling her mum?
Grim all round, I feel for you. I don't get the harsh replies.. But just take a breath and do something nice for yourself.

OP this must be really hurtful but ultimately its her phone and forcing the issue will drive a wedge between you. Try not to make it all about you, this is her dealing with her own teenage stuff, and not understanding the impact on others. She's a teenager. It really isn't about you.
I was a total arse to my mum at that age, spectacularly insensitive, but it wasnt about her as a person. We got through it in the end.

Do it this way and say it extremely calmly.

Other posters have given you some reasonable explanations of why she named the dad's partner as "Mum". If she has done it to wind both you and/or her dad up then saying you are hurt but glad she has a good relationship with her dad's partner will make her stop and think.

If you act in the dramatic way of your original post then you are asking to have an argument with your DD.

I don't get people saying about respecting her privacy. She's 14. Are people not checking their kid's phones? Bollocks to privacy, what about checking in and making sure your kids are safe? Not talking about constantly, but am I going to check my 14 year old's phone from time to time? Fuck yes! They're still vulnerable children, and anyone could be messaging them and trying to manipulate them into all sorts.

Exactly this.

who is barely 10 years older than our Dd.

You definitely have some unresolved feelings about your ex's "girlfriend".

Just be careful that you don't transfer these on to your DD.

FGS there’s some shit advice on this site.

OP didn’t invade her DD’s privacy. Her DD is 14 and she has a right to see her teenagers phone. If that was my DD and I saw ‘mum’ I’d be thinking she was hiding contact with someone under the guise of mum.

Also OP was preventing phone getting water damaged.

I agree with you OP a GF of 2 years isn’t her mum and you have a right to be hurt. This perception that our feelings don’t count the moment we give birth is so fucking dehumanising to women. how do we expect our children to respect us if we can’t even respect our own feelings