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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was BU/rude - teenager or grandparent

215 replies

Seriou · 23/08/2022 15:04

I was out today for a few hours and asked my mum to look in on late teenage DP if she was in area (regularly in my area).

I’ve come home to rant on WhatsApp about how rude dd is - GP came in with a friend and spent time in house/garden drinking tea together. GP asked dd to come downstairs but she wouldn’t.

Relevant facts - DD wasn’t actually expecting GP to visit, Dd is extremely shy and has some SEN, dd was still in her pyjamas, dd hasn’t seen friend for years.

Was GP rude for bringing friend in and then demanding DD come down, and then BU in saying I’m raising a rude teenager ?

Or was Dd actually rude and should have made an appearance?

OP posts:
hellosunshineagainx · 23/08/2022 15:06

What gp did would have been my worst nightmare as a teen. Im in my 30s now and still hate unannounced visitors

Mardyface · 23/08/2022 15:06

Well... I think you were a bit rude asking DM to drop in and not telling DD tbh. I can see both your DM (doing you a favour) and DD's (not expecting the visit, not feeling sociable) perspectives.

SlappersAndFuiters · 23/08/2022 15:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RedHelenB · 23/08/2022 15:08

She should have gone down to say hi, just b basic manners really.

Nagado · 23/08/2022 15:09

I don’t think any of you covered yourselves in glory here. It was pretty rude for your DD to refuse to come down to say hello. It was pretty rude for your DM to turn up with a random stranger and expect to have a tea party and it was pretty rude of you not to have warned your DD that her grandmother might be popping in to see her.

Lolliepoppie · 23/08/2022 15:09

I agree that the issue was not mentioning GP’s possible visit to DD.
However DD was horribly rude not to say hello to her gran and friend.

Sycamoretrees · 23/08/2022 15:09

Whether DD was expecting her Grandmother or not that was very rude behaviour. I can understand her being annoyed if she was in the middle of something but she should have had the grace to come down and be polite.

takealettermsjones · 23/08/2022 15:09

Don't know whether to be pressing YABU/YANBU so can't vote but your mum seems nuts 😆

I wouldn't have come down to make unexpected small talk with grandma's friend when I wasn't expecting anyone.

I also think your mum is cheeky to use your garden for entertaining her friend when you're not there, but I don't know, you might have a standing agreement that it's fine 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bobbybobbins · 23/08/2022 15:10

Poor communication all round!

MaryMcCarthy · 23/08/2022 15:10

Late teenage? So basically an adult? Having grandparents check up on them will give the perception that they're still children and you don't trust them alone.

AldiLidlDeeDee · 23/08/2022 15:10

DD fine to stay upstairs out of the way. GP was only meant to pop in to check she was ok.

GP was rude bringing a friend with her to your house (without asking you first) and demanding DD make an appearance as if she’s a family pet. DD is entitled to privacy surely?

I wouldn't have come downstairs either and I’m in my 50’s! 😂

JudgeRindersMinder · 23/08/2022 15:10

I’d say you were most in the wrong as you set up the scenario by asking the GPS to look in and not letting your daughter know, so you set them all up to fail

justfiveminutes · 23/08/2022 15:11

Why didn't you tell dd that her gm might pop in? That way, she'd have been dressed and half-expecting it.

I'd have hated an unexpected visit from gm and unfamiliar friend at that age.

How long were they there? If longer than an hour I'd have expected dd to have dressed and shown her face, yes.

FetchezLaVache · 23/08/2022 15:12

Nagado · 23/08/2022 15:09

I don’t think any of you covered yourselves in glory here. It was pretty rude for your DD to refuse to come down to say hello. It was pretty rude for your DM to turn up with a random stranger and expect to have a tea party and it was pretty rude of you not to have warned your DD that her grandmother might be popping in to see her.

Well, this. And why on earth would your DD need looking in on, unless there's a colossal drip-feed on the way?

Newusernameaug · 23/08/2022 15:12

You were out of order to get a GP to check on a late teen - esp without telling her!

GP was out of order for bringing someone else in and then making tea and demanding dd presence.

DD was out of order for being rude and not coming downstairs to say hi.

basically - you are all be unreasonable! Clearly it passes down the generations 😂

DancingBeanstalk · 23/08/2022 15:12

You are the rude one here. You should have told DD that GM was popping in.

WhatsErFace2020 · 23/08/2022 15:12

There’s extremely different Social norms between your DM and your DD, I.e. our parents era do just ‘drop in’ and would find it rude not to be welcomed. Whereas your DD generation practically communicate entirely online. I suspect you fall somewhere in the middle like I do (I HATE unexpected guests btw!)

so actually the only person BU is actually you for arranging it without taking their differences into account. Especially without forewarning your DD. Lesson learnt I expect

MajorCarolDanvers · 23/08/2022 15:13

I think the problem about expectations and miscommunications.

You asked GP to check on DD. GP believed she was expected and I can understand why she thought it was rude DD didn't show.

You didn't tell DD GP (+friend) was visiting so I can understand why she didn't want to take part in the unannounced social gathering.

GP thought it was acceptable to bring a friend and didn't check that was ok.

You all need to work on your communications.

DonnaBanana · 23/08/2022 15:13

Wouldn't she have needed to come downstairs to let them in? If your DM is barging in with a key or something without any warning at all, that is bang out of order (gabn). I do think DD should have shown some basic courtesy to her grandparent and said hello, but she had obligations beyond that, and certainly not to entertain them if she chose to stay.

OurRescueFarm · 23/08/2022 15:14

You should have told your daughter GP was coming round. GP was rude to expect her granddaughter to want to meet her friend when she arrived unannounced and child was in her PJs, knowing she’s shy. SEN could mean this is a huge issue for the child. My kids would have hated this but then I wouldn’t do it to them. I’d tell GP to shush.

DisforDarkChocolate · 23/08/2022 15:15

Rude Grandparent. Who invites a stranger around for tea in a relatives house? Who demands a shy child perform? Pushy rude grandparent.

No idea why you thought someone needed to pop in though.

JuneOsborne · 23/08/2022 15:17

Why did you ask your mum to check in on her? What's the story there?

Original poster
Seriou · 23/08/2022 15:22

GP pops in a lot - not every day but at least twice a week and has a key, but the door was unlocked so she came straight in as usual.
The friend hasn’t been here for a few years, and it was her appearance that kept dd from coming downstairs, not the GP herself.

OP posts:
DancingBeanstalk · 23/08/2022 15:24

Your GP shouldn’t be “popping in a lot” or letting herself in. Your family are entitled to privacy.

SunnyD44 · 23/08/2022 15:24

GP is at fault - especially for inviting a friend round to someone else’s house.

You were the one being most unreasonable.

My DD is similar to yours and needs to be prepared for things.
All you had to do was let her know that GP might be popping in and she’d have been ready for it.

How old is your DD?