Who was BU/rude - teenager or grandparent

[Seriou]

I was out today for a few hours and asked my mum to look in on late teenage DP if she was in area (regularly in my area).

I’ve come home to rant on WhatsApp about how rude dd is - GP came in with a friend and spent time in house/garden drinking tea together. GP asked dd to come downstairs but she wouldn’t.

Relevant facts - DD wasn’t actually expecting GP to visit, Dd is extremely shy and has some SEN, dd was still in her pyjamas, dd hasn’t seen friend for years.

Was GP rude for bringing friend in and then demanding DD come down, and then BU in saying I’m raising a rude teenager ?

Or was Dd actually rude and should have made an appearance?

I think DD was rude but GP was inconsiderate because the response was entirely predictable and why would GP out DD in a position that would make her so uncomfortable?

You should have told her GP and a friend were coming round!!! You're rude!

Your dd was incredibly rude.
A quick hello is not difficult or onerous even if your DM had brought a friend (a bit unusual but I couldn't get too het up about it)

Literally this in a nutshell

What treatment has your DD had for her shyness?

Oh, come on. Shyness in itself doesn't need 'treatment'. I know many happy introverts.

I can't bare people visiting unannounced. I'd have had the door locked and pretended I was out. I'd have had to have got dressed, brushed my hair and put make up on to be able to go downstairs and face people. I'm introverted but not necessarily shy so if your daughters shy that must have been anxiety overload. GP is in the wrong and rude.

I think you or your mother bringing a random friend round and expecting a teenage DD to entertain them is weird and rude. In addition, if your mother is round so often that she has a key and her popping in and out is normal, then she should be treated like anyone who lives there and that means that no, your DD is not obliged to make a big fuss of her arrival every time (ie she doesn't need to be treated as a guest).

Good point. Someone who lets themselves in should not expect to be hosted.

I don't think ts the GPs fault.She had probably made plans for te day with this friend before your request came in.Then you asked her to call in ,and even though she had made plans, did her best to comply with this request,
Was your dd rude? Undoubtedly..But the person most to blame is you for asking the GM to do this and then not evening telling your dd

Weird all round. If GP pops in a lot then she should be used to DD's behaviour and likewise DD should be used to her gran coming over. I'm surprised this hasn't come up before tbh. Is it the first time GP brought a friend over?

I would think better communication from everyone would help the situation eg GP should have said "yes, I'll stop in this afternoon with Sharon from Pilates. We'll have a cup of tea in the garden" then you should have text DD "just to let you know, granny is popping round with Sharon later. Please say hello to them but then you can go off to your room if you prefer" and then replied to your mum "lovely, please don't expect too much from DD btw as she's not feeling great at the moment". That way everyone knows what is going to happen and both sides can manage expectations.

Neither of them are really at fault. I think you are most unreasonable by arranging this visit but not telling DD about it and presumably also not telling GP that she would be a surprise visitor.

OP is being strangely quiet about her view.

OP - how would you feel if your daughter invited someone round without asking or telling you, and then expected you to host them when all you wanted was to chill out with a book?

My sympathies lie entirely with the teen.

It’s your DD’s home too, and I think it is a bit much that your Mum waltzes in, friend in tow, when your Dd is not expecting her. And disrespectful of you to make an arrangement for her to be ‘checked on’ without telling her.

So why is everyone else in this scenario deserving of respect and manners but not your Dd?

Plus you, and presumably your Mum know she is extremely shy. Yes, ideally she would have said hello. She was probably upset.

I think you should apologise to her for putting her in that situation. You set her up to fail and I think it is OTT for your mum to be ranting about her.

I never told DD about the visit because GP had indicated she wouldn’t be able to.

The request to pop in would not be unusual in itself - DD is still getting use to spending time home alone, so if I know I’ll be a while and GP is in the area, I would ask her to call in.

Well your mum needs to stop going on about it then. I understand she was embarrassed, but she should have given you/DD warning that she was dropping in. Fine to make the mistake but to then moan about your DD? No.

Never mind telling her, did you ask her?

She's a late teen - someone that age would normally be asked if they want a relative to pop in, not told. Unless her SEN are very severe, she's entitled to her own opinions and to spend her free time alone if she chooses.

Strange thread, all participants should just accept that other people do things differently and it's no big deal.

If Grandma rants on WhatsApp she needs to be ignored. Your daughter should be able to relax in her own home.

Big fuss over nothing.

"Hey DD, I'm going to be out all day today, would you like me to ask your GP to pop in and say hi?"

That's all you needed to do. And I'm betting your dd would have said no, wouldn't she?

GP was rude, DD was fine.

I would have hated that as a teenager. I would hate that now! GP was rude to spring someone on your daughter without warning, in her own home where she's meant to feel safe and relaxed. Maybe your daughter should have just come down and said hello, but I wouldn't have wanted to do it. And what's the point of GP complaining about her granddaughter online? Shaming her? That's weird behaviour, and if my GP had done that when I was a teen (or ever, really), it would damage our relationship.

Maybe it's time to stop encouraging GP to drop in unannounced!

Nonsense. Her DD wasn't rude at all.

She was minding her own business in her own home when her grandma let herself (and a friend!) in, completely uninvited, and expected her to make herself presentable and come and make small talk with no warning.

Grandma didn't even have the decency to knock and see if DD was awake, ready or happy to have company before she barged in with her friend and sat and had a bloody cup of tea!

Now THAT is rude.

Misread... It was WhatsApp and not online. That's better than what I imagined, but still not great!

Next time, ask your daughter before encouraging people to drop in on her when she's home alone. Tell GP that it's best to ask before bringing her friends into someone else's home and demanding other people drop everything and visit.

GP was rude.

They would normally spend some time watching tv together as they generally get on really well.
I’ve asked her since if she wants GP calling in when I’m out and she said yes but no one else.