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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who was BU/rude - teenager or grandparent

215 replies

Seriou · 23/08/2022 15:04

I was out today for a few hours and asked my mum to look in on late teenage DP if she was in area (regularly in my area).

I’ve come home to rant on WhatsApp about how rude dd is - GP came in with a friend and spent time in house/garden drinking tea together. GP asked dd to come downstairs but she wouldn’t.

Relevant facts - DD wasn’t actually expecting GP to visit, Dd is extremely shy and has some SEN, dd was still in her pyjamas, dd hasn’t seen friend for years.

Was GP rude for bringing friend in and then demanding DD come down, and then BU in saying I’m raising a rude teenager ?

Or was Dd actually rude and should have made an appearance?

OP posts:
YellowPlumbob · 23/08/2022 15:54

Grandma is rude as fuck and doesn’t respect your daughters disabilities.

Liquorish · 23/08/2022 15:54

If she pops in often enough would she not understand her granddaughter and what sort of situations would make her uncomfortable. I had terrible anxiety about leaving my room when visitors were in and my nana understood and never thought of it as rude or tried to spring things like that on me.

Sally872 · 23/08/2022 15:55

I would have expected dd to quicky get dressed and pop down for a quick hello for 5 mins. Rude not to.

I would also have let her know you asked gran to pop by if she is around.

And i would have expected gran to let dd know in advance visitor coming.

Everyone could have done a bit better.

Ivchangedmynameforthis · 23/08/2022 15:55

My teens have no SEN and they never ever come down stairs when their GP comes without a serious battle. Even on organised visits. YABU

theemmadilemma · 23/08/2022 15:56

So rude. You asked her to pop in, not take her friend round for a cup of tea. It's not her house!

I don't blame your DD. It's one thing to pop her head in ask if DD is all ok, completely another to barge in unannounced with a friend and expect DD to socialise.

Pollyjun · 23/08/2022 15:57

So why didn’t you mention to your DD her GP was coming over?

Lobelia123 · 23/08/2022 15:58

I think theyre both a little out of order to be honest. Grannie was very entitled and overstepping - its not her house to invite and host people in, nor to parade grandkids around in like performing ponies. She was asked to check in, not come in with a guest and settle in for tea and a visit! And daighter could have sucked it up for five minutes by slinging ona dressing gown, popping her head around the door and saying hi Gran, hi Auntie Sue or whatever. I dont now how severe her anxieties are, but a little basic manners with her gran should not be too much to ask for either.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 23/08/2022 16:00

Sorry @Seriou but you you were the one most in the wrong for asking the GP to check up on your DD at all - unless there is a drip feed that you haven't thought to tell us about yet?

Then your parent was at fault for
a) taking her friend into your house
and
b) and far worse IMO under the circumstances of your DD's state of mind, was the fact that your parent told her to come downstairs and say hello.

I am a grandmother myself, and yet I think that was massively rude of your DD's GP to demand in the first place that your DD went to say hello, and secondly for your parent not to gracefully accept the first no.

Your DD was not rude in the slightest in these given circumstances.

Moonshine160 · 23/08/2022 16:00

I think you and GP were in the wrong. You should have told your DD they were dropping in and I’d also be putting a stop to GP turning up unannounced frequently and letting herself in! Yes DD is still a child but in her late teens she has a right to privacy. GP turning up unannounced with a friend I hardly knew would have been a nightmare for me as a teen.

WillPowerLite · 23/08/2022 16:01

DD was rude. She should have pulled on some clothes and gone to say hello. Had a cup of tea. Then fine to slip away.

But, yeah, you should have warned her.

Castawaywilson · 23/08/2022 16:01

It’s weird that they stayed for an hour in someone else’s house. If dd didn’t popped down within the first minutes they should have got that she obviously wanted to be left alone. You are being rude to your daughter too. And lock the door!

Cotswoldmama · 23/08/2022 16:04

I think it's weird your mum would hang around your house with a friend and not her own house. I'm with your dd. I don't like unannounced guests and I'm quite shy. If she had warning I would have expected her to say hello but nothing more.

Viviennemary · 23/08/2022 16:07

I agree that you were the one being unreasonable by arranging this visit when you know about your childs problems. Also gp a bit cheeky asking her friend round. Why didmt you tell your dd to expect them

diddl · 23/08/2022 16:09

So daughter is at home, not expecting anyone & GM & friend waltz in & sit around drinking tea?

Why didn't she just shout/pop up to see her GD was OK & fuck off?

Why was GD expected to be sociable to people who invited themselves in?

SplendidUtterly · 23/08/2022 16:11

GP was rude. I wouldn't have come downstairs either if I was in my pj's and someone who i barely knew and hadn't seen in years was there.

SunshineLaughter · 23/08/2022 16:20

I'm on your daughters side actually. Why should she have to go downstairs and entertain her Grandmother and a person she doesn't know in her own home? You should have given her a heads up.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 23/08/2022 16:21

This is a genuine question to all of the PP's who have said that the OP's 17/18 or 19 year old DD must pop in and say hello, why must she?

IMO she is either an adult now, or soon to be one, and whether or not she has SEN she is her own person, and allowed her to make her own judgements. Just because you or I don't know the DD's reasons for making her decisions, it is none of our business - as it was the OP, DD's mum who has asked us, not her DD herself.

So I really would like to know please, where this well hidden rule book is, that says an adult living in her own home, has to acknowledge anyone who comes into her home without her requesting them to?

amusedbush · 23/08/2022 16:34

Your DD was rude by "normal" standards but I don't particularly subscribe to those (I'm autistic). I would be annoyed enough if someone turned up unexpectedly, but bringing along someone I didn't know well would tip me over the edge.

I'm on your DD's side here - why should she have to get dressed, go downstairs and make small talk when she doesn't want to? I think it's a bit rich that the DGM is ranting about rudeness while being bloody rude and making her DGD feel uncomfortable in her own home!

I've spent a lifetime plastering on a smile and being a people pleaser for the sake of politeness and it's thankless.

howdidigethere · 23/08/2022 16:37

Presuming your DD isn't ill why does she need popping in on? You've obviously got a relaxed arrangement with your DM seeing as she has a key and lets herself in unannounced but bringing the friend and them having a cuppa is a bit strange to me. Not sure I'd want to be commanded to come downstairs and say hello to a virtual stranger either.

madasawethen · 23/08/2022 16:40

All very odd behaviour. You and your DM have zero boundaries.

Take the key back and tell your DM to stop popping in your house uninvited. It really is not normal behaviour for her to bring a friend and raid your kitchen and sit around in your garden like that.

Your late teen DD doesn't need a babysitter or checking in on, unless there is some massive thing you haven't mentioned. That isn't normal behaviour nor is the sneakiness of it.

I can understand why your DD is painfully shy if she has he boundaries stomped on like that by you and grandma.

What treatment has your DD had for her shyness?

diddl · 23/08/2022 16:41

Seriou · 23/08/2022 15:22

GP pops in a lot - not every day but at least twice a week and has a key, but the door was unlocked so she came straight in as usual.
The friend hasn’t been here for a few years, and it was her appearance that kept dd from coming downstairs, not the GP herself.

Presumably you're OK with that but what about others who live there?

How do you feel about your mum bringing a friend in & sitting drinking tea?

She was supposed to check on your daughter not force her to socialise with her & a friend!

MyneighbourisTotoro · 23/08/2022 16:53

GP should have told you she was with a friend and would it be ok for said friend to pop by with her, then you could have at least informed your DD.
GP could also have just popped up to see DD, have a chat and explain that she is with so and so and they’ll be downstairs for a bit if she fancies joining them.

chinesefortea · 23/08/2022 16:56

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Octomore · 23/08/2022 16:59

You and GP were unreasonable.

Did you ask your dd if she wanted her GP to pop round? Did she get a say?

And then the GP waltzed into your DD's home with no warning, expecting DD to play the host to her and her friend.

Your DD was at home, minding her own business. She had the right to be consulted on whether she wanted to entertain visitors, or whether she'd prefer to chill on her own.

Octomore · 23/08/2022 17:00

I can understand why your DD is painfully shy if she has he boundaries stomped on like that by you and grandma.

Not just her grandma, but her mother. They both see the DD's wishes/opinion as irrelevant.

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