Who was BU/rude - teenager or grandparent

[Seriou]

I was out today for a few hours and asked my mum to look in on late teenage DP if she was in area (regularly in my area).

I’ve come home to rant on WhatsApp about how rude dd is - GP came in with a friend and spent time in house/garden drinking tea together. GP asked dd to come downstairs but she wouldn’t.

Relevant facts - DD wasn’t actually expecting GP to visit, Dd is extremely shy and has some SEN, dd was still in her pyjamas, dd hasn’t seen friend for years.

Was GP rude for bringing friend in and then demanding DD come down, and then BU in saying I’m raising a rude teenager ?

Or was Dd actually rude and should have made an appearance?

my teen has sen she loves her own space and quiet time - if yours is the same you are the one being unreasonable as you would know this
late teen? How late?

I agree with this. Unless both you and your dd were well aware that grandma was bringing a friend, then that's incredibly rude and presumptuous of your mother to think it's acceptable. And if you were aware a friend was coming along too then you absolutely should have warned dd in advance.

I would hate anyone on there than people who actually live in the house to come straight in without being asked in. It's just not the done thing in either mine or my partners family.

And pretty much for this reason - if I'm in my pjs etc I don't want visitors. And I certainly wouldnt be happy if someone brought a friend I didn't know.

I think the gp was rude

Not many teens would be excited at the prospect of being sociable with their grandmother and her friend. That said, I’d expect all of my kids to make an appearance and say hello. We all have to do things in life we’d rather not do. This is one of those times.

Well as an outgoing gregarious type I’d have to say that I’d hate anyone turning up with a stranger in tow and expecting me to perform. My dd is different and really shy and this would be her worst nightmare.

I know it’s the done thing, the polite thing, the ‘proper’ thing to make nice but frankly I think many a personal horror is grimly endured in the name of bloody politeness.

Your mother's manners are abysmal. Bringing a friend over for a tea party in your garden, and expecting your DD to fall in with it at no notice?! Fuck that. This is a young ND adult who has been led to expect that she can spend the afternoon chilling in her own space - of course she didn't react well to having social demands suddenly imposed on her.

Does your mother generally ride rough-shod over other people's boundaries, and expect everyone to dance to her tune?

Your mum needs to apologise for bringing a random person with her, having a tea party in someone else's house, and for insulting your daughter. Has your mum always had boundary issues?

I mean, what interest is your dd going to have in a random pal of her granny’s? Very little I should think.

I imagine your mum was embarrassed to be refused in the presence of her friend hence the comment about YOU ‘raising a rude teenager’. She’s looking for someone to take it out on.

I agree with pp that you seem to have boundary issues with your Mum and very poor communication.

If your 17 year old has SEN that means she's too anxious be left alone for a few hours - why does your mum expect that she will be OK with an unexpected visit (when your mum said she couldn't come), with a random person in tow when dd is in her PJs?

The only people out of order are the adults. You, for asking GP to visit and not telling DD she might pop in. GP, for popping in with a friend and for being upset that GD didn't come downstairs. Not great communication and your poor DD is now made to feel bad about having her own boundaries in her own home.

I think the problem here is the lack of communication. You should have told your daughter her grandmother was coming round and made it clear that she should come out of her room just to say hello. However, you didn't do this so I can understand why your daughter stayed in her room.

I have an adult son with ASD and if we have visitors I make it clear that he has to come downstairs to say hello as that is the polite thing to do. He can then go back upstairs if he wants to. If he was in the house on his own and his grandmother turned up without him knowing he would feel very anxious and stay in his room.

But @Longleggedgiraffe that is what I am asking:

Why is it good manners to put yourself out in your own home to say hello to someone that you haven't invited, and why is it rude to not do so?

This. Now THAT is the rudest part of this, IMO.

But let's face it, that's not most teens. I remember being that age and walking home from a friends one day (knowing my mum was out) and seeing my aunt and uncle knocking on our door, and my automatic reaction was to jump into the nearest doorway to hide from them!!

I remember a very similar situation when I was that sort of age too. We didn't have a phone in those days so it was not uncommon for people to turn up unannounced. One set of relatives lived about an hour away and would sometimes turn up, a whole car full of them - male relative, his wife, his MIL and three children. My mum would be very pleased to see them and offer tea, a bite to eat even and they would expect to stay at least a couple of hours.

One day my parents had gone out for the day leaving me at home (I was used to it by then and more than happy to have the house to myself). Anyway I had gone to the toilet, which was an outside one (yes this was a long time ago) when I heard voices at the back door and then someone knocking. Apart from the embarrassment of being on the loo I was also horrified to realise it was these relatives and if they knew I was there I would have to let them in and entertain them.

I think I was a pretty normal, NT teenager, slightly shy but not cripplingly so, but I really, really didn't want to be in this situation. I stayed silently where I was praying that none of them needed the loo and decided to nip in and use it before they left!

@Seriou I don't think your daughter was rude at all - she's shy, with SEN tendencies & wasn't expecting her gran to visit at all, let alone be called down to face a relative stranger while in her PJs! Her Gran should have known how this may make her feel. A simple pop upstairs & quick chat to check on her should have done the job. Her priority should have been more about making sure her granddaughter was ok & less about losing face in front of her friend!

This

What kind of SEN issues does DD have? GP surly knows of this? Depending on how severe SEN is, DD should have been prepared that GP may pop in and to say hello. (My youngest has high SEN issues and my middle mild SEN issues. Both need prepared in different ways for visits) (middle child doesn’t feel comfortable and finds it mentally exhausting being expected to be social when he isn’t prepared)

Not clear how we are supposed to vote? Agree it wasn’t well thought through and feel sympathetic to DD. She’s made her boundaries clear, she’s happy to spend time with GM randomly popping in being welcome, but not an unannounced visit from someone she hasn’t seen for years. You might need to smooth it over for DD, since you asked DM to visit.

Your mum shouldn’t invite random people to your house. I can understand why your DD didn’t want to come down tbh. If your DD is fine with grandma popping round fair enough but I would double check that it is still the case and it’s not becoming annoying.

I think you are the unreasonable one to have told your mother to drop by without telling your daughter! I'd have hated that as a teenager (and would hate it even more now actually). I would have probably come down to be polite but would have been really annoyed.

You said DD has SEN, as she's only just getting used to spending time alone, I'd imagine these affect her a lot and she isn't your typical 17 year old. Difficult to say without knowing what SEN are. Is she very into routine? You said she is very shy around strangers, which I know this friend isn't, but if your DD hasn't seen her for a long time, then it may almost feel that way to her. I think the unreasonable one was your mum here, but it's hard to say really without knowing what how her SEN affect her every day life.

I don’t understand the comments that family can’t just call in, why not? I never need to arrange to visit my dad. Family and friends knock and open the door themselves. If it’s locked, it means we aren’t in or be patient and wait! You’re all very precious about your privacy!!

I’ll no doubt get a hammering for my opinion. Ah well.

My dd sounds similar to your dd op and there's no way I'd ask my mum to pop in without warning her.

She would be mortified and would behave exactly as your dd did.

Your dd was rude but that's because you ambushed her.

My mother had a key and could come and go as she pleased and I wouldn’t have had it any other way both children adored her. I really don’t understand this. No wonder the young are so entitled.

This. DD was probably embarrassed to be seen in her PJs and have to explain it to a stranger, especially if she had no warning they were in her home.

Also was this a private WhatsApp where she ranted at you or a public one? if public, its not nice of her to run down her GD.
Your DD clearly said she was OK with GM visiting but no one else when you'd asked her previously.
Did GP know this?