Who was BU/rude - teenager or grandparent

[Seriou]

I was out today for a few hours and asked my mum to look in on late teenage DP if she was in area (regularly in my area).

I’ve come home to rant on WhatsApp about how rude dd is - GP came in with a friend and spent time in house/garden drinking tea together. GP asked dd to come downstairs but she wouldn’t.

Relevant facts - DD wasn’t actually expecting GP to visit, Dd is extremely shy and has some SEN, dd was still in her pyjamas, dd hasn’t seen friend for years.

Was GP rude for bringing friend in and then demanding DD come down, and then BU in saying I’m raising a rude teenager ?

Or was Dd actually rude and should have made an appearance?

All of you sound unreasonable and slightly ridiculous - EXCEPT your teenage daughter.

GP and DD need to sit down and chat giving each other their perspectives, so that they understand and each can try to work out a compromise that works for both of them

Agreed. My dd would have done exactly the same, she really struggles with anything unexpected that she's not prepared for, and with meeting strangers. Her anxiety would have been sky high just knowing they were downstairs.

GP could have popped upstairs and knocked on dd's door to say hi, with no expectation for dd to go down and socialise with the friend.

GP was in the wrong for bringing a friend to your home & expecting you Dd to be all jolly hockey sticks about it; personally if I was in my pjs & someone came into my home with what amounts to a stranger I’d be pretty fucked off about it !!
You asked GP to look I’m not have a coffee morning stand up to the old bird tell her your dd wasn’t being rude but she wasn’t in suitable clothing & wanted to shower etc before meeting people!! If the old dear doesn’t like it tough next time don’t ask her to look in I guess although you child has Sen needs she’s capable of being alone & sensible enough not to burn the house down?

If I was your DD I’d have felt the same!

If I was chilling at home in my pjs and some let themselves in unannounced with a stranger and expected me to be sociable I’d be livid! I hate unannounced guests.

Your Dd is allowed to have time in her own home undisrupted, I think the GP was in the wrong for bringing a friend & you were wrong for not asking your Dd if she minded GP dropping in.

GP was being unreasonable. They won't see it that way as their generation is very different, especially when it comes to consent and boundaries

In my family it would be normal to say hi grandma, would you like a cup of tea. Along with grandmas. friend . Normal social skills.

Plus, your Mam was doing a favour to you popping in (you asked her) so I could see why it might have upset her.

My mother had a key and could come and go as she pleased and I wouldn’t have had it any other way both children adored her. I really don’t understand this. No wonder the young are so entitled.

Not sure about "the young"
I'm grey haired and counting down to retirement. Nobody has every just walked into any home I have ever lived in, including back when I was a child.

My Mum always had a key to all the homes I have earned, but she would never presume to just walk in. I have a key to my sister's home and to my niece's home, but again, I would never walk in - it is for emergencies. I like it when people 'pop round' if they are in the area and don't need an appointment like so many MNers but if I go to anyone's home, or if they come to mine, everyone would knock / ring the bell and wait to be let in.
In the case of me asking someone to let themselves in, that would only happen if nobody were there. If you were - for whatever reason - asking them to go in when someone was there, then you would obviously tell the person in the house that X is coming round this afternoon.

I have a 17 year old with autism and selective mutism, not a chance would she go say hello with a stranger there.

Honestly it was mismanaged all around.
You should have told your teen that her grandmother may pop in while your out so that she knew to be dressed and could prepare herself
Your mum should have said she was out with a friend so you could tell her thanks but it's best she doesn't visit your teen with friend in teen

I have lower expectations of your teen if they find change and strangers difficult as I know with my daughter that unexpected changes can cause meltdowns and strangers trying to speak to her or even look at her causes her to hurt herself, she picks at her skin causing injuries

"My mother had a key and could come and go as she pleased and I wouldn’t have had it any other way both children adored her. I really don’t understand this. No wonder the young are so entitled."

No one would come into my house without knocking and being invited in. Same goes for their grandparents houses. Yet my kids also adore their grandparents. The two are not linked.

For me, it's far more entitled to just walk into someone's home without asking. Boundaries and privacy are important and should be respected.

No, your DD was not rude.

She is entitled to say no. I think it’s a great thing actually, that at her age, she felt comfortable and confident enough to say no, and mean it.

Looking back, I would have complied and went downstairs and said hello, even though I wouldn’t have wanted to, because I internalised that being nice and polite was more important than how I felt and what I wanted.

The problem with that though, is that it trickles through into other relationships and situations, which isn’t great. It took me longer than it should have to find the confidence to say no, and to mean it.

I’m raising my children to have boundaries and to feel comfortable saying no to things they don’t want to do, and I couldn’t give a fuck who finds it rude.

It’s a real shame your DD’s grandmother wasn't respectful of her granddaughter’s no, but, as another poster put it, they won't see it that way as their generation is very different, especially when it comes to consent and boundaries.

GP wasn’t doing DD a favour though, since she didn’t even know about it.

Very poor communication from the OP was the issue here.

You’re the unreasonably one. At 17 you should have some privacy in your own home and not have your grandma and friend popping in unannounced at any moment.

A 17 year old doesn’t need checking up on and why does the grandma pop in the whole time? Poor kid.

Grandparent had no right to bring a friend into your almost-adult daughter's home without permission - why did grandparent think s/he had the right to this? And preferably, this permission would come from your daughter given freely in advance and not just as an "I hope you don't mind, we're outside" type of thing, and not just from you, it was rather an invasion of privacy at the age she is, although it's your house, and she's a minor, so it's up to you how to run things. You should definitely have let her know that you had asked her grandparent to pop round so she could have been mentally prepared and dressed if she wanted to be, but that still wouldn't have included the friend. (Sitting in and enjoying your garden while having a cuppa with a friend doesn't really sound as though she actually did what was asked, which was to check in on the house and your daughter.) I'd personally say that the grandparent is a CF, but other Mumsnetters may disagree.

And we wonder why young women have such poor boundaries.

What nonsense . Saying a quick hello to Granny's friend doesn't violate any boundaries.

Agreed. I absolutely despair:

AldiLidlDeeDee · Yesterday 15:10
DD fine to stay upstairs out of the way. GP was only meant to pop in to check she was ok.
GP was rude bringing a friend with her to your house (without asking you first) and demanding DD make an appearance as if she’s a family pet. DD is entitled to privacy surely?
I wouldn't have come downstairs either and I’m in my 50’s!"
----------------------------
I couldn't have said this better if I tried for a week.

I'm on your DD's side here. You say she has SEN and is shy (maybe anxiety?) in which case having a random person she doesn't know well showing up at her house unannounced and being expected to spend time with them would be quite stressful. On top of that, DD might have had her day planned out on her head and this event derailed it, which can also be upsetting. I'm a fully grown adult and I mentally plan my day almost to the minute and I hate when it gets derailed. Can't help it.

I think the GP was BU to bring someone and drink tea in your house and also to expect a 17 y/o to socialise in this context. Your DD was put into an awkward situation. There should be no expectation to entertain.

If your teen has some send then her rudeness is unlikely rudeness but part of her send that she struggles with. My teen is autistic and it can be hit and Miss if she comes out of her room to greet a visitor in the house. Pre warned of not it doesn’t really matter. Certain people she might leap out of her room to greet them but others she can be dismissive of them. Sometimes though even her favourite people can be dismissed if she’s not in the right mood. When we visit GP she often takes herself off into another room to listen to her music. GP used to think she was being rude and would sarcastically say things loudly but over time has realised that this doesn’t help and that some days her social tank is empty.

"What nonsense . Saying a quick hello to Granny's friend doesn't violate any boundaries."

I disagree. She was in her own home, with the expectation of some privacy. She was still in her pj's. I wouldn't want to greet visitors (especially someone I didn't know well) when still in pj's, just not only turned up unexpected but just then walked into my home uninvited.

She is entitled to say no I am not comfortable doing that.

You might be ok with it, and therefore it doesn't break your boundaries but others feel differently about that kind of intrusion. And that's ok but they deserve to have that boundary respected.

Why did your late teenage child need looking in on? She's not a baby.

She should have got dressed and gone down to say hello to her gran. Id have been in big trouble if id been as ignorant as her when i was that age. But my mum at least trusted me to last a few hours at home on my own from the age of about 13.

So you are in bed, unwashed, undressed in your own home not expecting anyone but family (and it seems as if she would have been fine if it was just gran) you have additional difficulties with meeting people and you do not feel comfortable coming down to meet a stranger but you should ignore these feelings and come down so that you don't appear 'rude.'

Women especially, are conditioned and expected to do things that make them uncomfortable in order not to upset someone else or for this idea of how a woman should behave.

A gran that has reacted like this would not be happy with an hello either, she would have been expected to sit and have tea, as it would be 'rude' to go straight back upstairs. Gran was rude.

This.

I also would be having a hard look at someone prone to ranting having a key to your home, strolling in with someone into your house, when it would clearly be an issue for your 17 year old.

Put your mother straight, sharpish.
Do NOT ask her to pop in again, and look at giving your daughter some privacy in her own home.

I think you need to push back on your mothers behaviour and support your daughter, and apologise to HER about her grandmother's rudeness.

Is she a bully?

Ranting about rudeness on WhatsApp is not normal behaviour.