Who was BU/rude - teenager or grandparent

[Seriou]

I was out today for a few hours and asked my mum to look in on late teenage DP if she was in area (regularly in my area).

I’ve come home to rant on WhatsApp about how rude dd is - GP came in with a friend and spent time in house/garden drinking tea together. GP asked dd to come downstairs but she wouldn’t.

Relevant facts - DD wasn’t actually expecting GP to visit, Dd is extremely shy and has some SEN, dd was still in her pyjamas, dd hasn’t seen friend for years.

Was GP rude for bringing friend in and then demanding DD come down, and then BU in saying I’m raising a rude teenager ?

Or was Dd actually rude and should have made an appearance?

You are all rude and inconsiderate. Maybe communicate better all round next time.

I think all three of you are rude, to be honest. You should obviously have told your DD that her grandmother might be coming round and it was inconsiderate of you not to mention it. Your mother was rude to bring a friend round and expect to sit drinking tea in your garden with her without asking first. Your DD was rude to refuse to pop down and say hello. And the fact that shyness was the reason for her refusal does not make it any less rude, by the way. I was a painfully shy teenager and I would have absolutely hated having to come and talk to some random friend of my nan's, but I would still have done it to be polite while slightly dying inside the whole time.

You mention your DD has 'some SEN' but unless those needs are so significant that she can't look after herself, I really don't understand why on earth you'd be asking people to look in on someone in their late teens when you're out for a few hours. She clearly prefers to be on her own if she wouldn't even poke her head out of the door to to say hello.

After your update definitely you and the GP are being rude! Why the hell should somebody stop doing what they're doing - whatever it is - when somebody drops in unannounced? Fine if your mum drops in and DD can just shout 'hi' or whatever (though I wouldn't especially like that either) but why on earth is she obliged to prioritise your mother's social life over what she wants to do?

You and your mother need to wind your necks in and leave your daughter alone.

I know it isn’t the point of the thread but you say the door was unlocked - please get your DD into the habit of locking the door. I know on here people will say ‘oh I live in a safe area’ but you just never know so why make it easy for criminals?

You are BU having people check on your poor (adult?) daughter!

Why does Gp keep popping round and letting herself in, who's idea was that? Also why does your adult daughter need someone to pop in to check on her?!

Gp was rude, bringing a friend and using your house and garden as though it was hers. I feel sorry for your daughter.

Well you all are

You should have warned your DD

Your mother should be more understanding of shy teens, as she bought a friend and the visit was unexpected

Your DD clearly did have time to get dressed and say a very quick hello and she should have done that

I'd have hated what your mother did as a teenager, my Gran used to bring her friends round all the time and I hated it, it was so boring having to sit there and entertain them. I wouldn't even like it now and I'm in my 30's.

Your DM was rude to bring a friend along and sit outside with a tea. You should have let your daughter know.

How old is late teen DD?

You're in the wrong for not telling DD.

GP shouldn't be bringing uninvited guest.

DD perfectly fine to not come down when not expecting visitors and especially as in PJ's.

You need to communicate better.

This. Why should your daughter go down and say hello when she wasn’t expecting her gp and a random friend to turn up?

I haven’t worked out what late teenage dp means.

I’d say both were a little unreasonable though their perspective is understandable. GP could have been more thoughtful about letting her know someone was coming so she could be prepared and be decent (I’d never expect someone to bring a friend to my home without notice). Your DD could have quickly put clothes on, had a short chat and then made excuses to go back to her room, it’s a life skill dealing with annoyances like this.

Why does a late teen need GP
popping in? Maybe time
for everyone to have a bit of privacy and stop checking in/dropping by unannounced.

Both to an extent- but your mum's ranting on Whatsapp is much ruder than anything else that either of them did.

Your GP is over familiar in your house.
What's all the popping in for? Too involved.
Take back the key.

YABU for arranging a babysitter for a ‘late’ teen.

Unless you’re about to drop feed that ‘some SEN’ is actually severe enough that she can’t keep herself safe for a couple of hours? Or couldn’t use a phone to contact someone in an emergency?

Why don’t you trust your daughter, I wouldn’t like to be checked up on as a late teen especially without any notice. If she’s really not okay at home by herself surely a check in visit would be organised properly (and your DD would be expecting her gran) and not just her gran popping in at some random time with a friend in tow. Your DM should be annoyed with you and not your daughter.

Late teen, and you asked granny to pop in and check on her? YABVVVVU here. Why on earth did she need checking on?
Daughter is also unreasonable but slightly less so. Wouldn’t have been hard to Chuck some clothes on and pop down and say a quick hello. Basic manners really.
you asked granny to pop by, she was doing YOU a favour. Presumably she thought your daughter was expecting her?

All three of you were rude and thoughtless, but DD the least.
1 You were rude because you didn’t tell DD GM was coming.
2 GM was rude to bring a friend.
3 DD was rude to not pop down and say hello, but this is down to awkwardness as a teen, rather than outright rudeness.
Poor DD, you need to communicate gently with her that if GM pops round she must just say hello. You also need to tell GM how awkward DD is right now and that you’d prefer that she didn’t bring friends over in your absence for this reason.

I'd have asked my mum to stick her head round the door and say "hello, just checking you're ok, do you need anything?" Then go away. I think that's fine and I would expect dd to be polite to her.

I would not expect my mum to bring a friend unannounced and have tea in my house and expect dd to join them.

So your mum is u here in my book.

The only one who's NBU is your DD as you say she has some SEN and anxiety issues.

YABU for allowing your mum to just come into your home unannounced, and for not letting your DD know that her grandma was popping in.
Your mum is BU to just invite her friend over to your house without asking and for expecting her grand-daughter with SEN and anxiety to just suck it up and come and say hello with no warning.

Your daughter isn't a performing monkey so no, she wasn't rude.

You messed up if you didn't let her know GM might be popping in, and tbh by expecting GM to check in on her like she's 12 to begin with.

GM was rude for bringing a friend, make herself a tea party and then expecting DD to entertain them. If she really wanted to see her,she could've gone up and knocked on her door and said hi. Even more rude to then go ranting on WhatsApp.

Basically the grownups acted poorly in this scenario.

Very odd all round.
I feel sorry for the teenager.

Why on earth would you ask your mother to call in on her ?
Why would your Mother think it was okay to walk straight in to someone else's home ?
Why would you leave the door unlocked while you weren't there and your teenager was asleep?
Why would your mother think it was okay to take a friend in to someone's house?
Why would your mother think it okay to walk in and start making a cuppa in someone else's house when they weren't there?
Why would she try to make the teen come down in her PJs ?

Just very odd all round.
No idea what the vote is asking so haven't voted.

definitely on your DD side, teenage girls especially shy ones like you said do tend to be insecure if she wasn’t dressed / had no make up on or just didn’t fancy being seen it’s fair enough.

i think it’s quite normal for teens to not come down when visitors come over unless you’ve said something prior to them coming and asked her to make an effort

GP was wrong.
Easy enough to shout up to GD just to ask if all's ok? Then leave without bringing friend in. That was rude, imo.