Who was BU/rude - teenager or grandparent

[Seriou]

I was out today for a few hours and asked my mum to look in on late teenage DP if she was in area (regularly in my area).

I’ve come home to rant on WhatsApp about how rude dd is - GP came in with a friend and spent time in house/garden drinking tea together. GP asked dd to come downstairs but she wouldn’t.

Relevant facts - DD wasn’t actually expecting GP to visit, Dd is extremely shy and has some SEN, dd was still in her pyjamas, dd hasn’t seen friend for years.

Was GP rude for bringing friend in and then demanding DD come down, and then BU in saying I’m raising a rude teenager ?

Or was Dd actually rude and should have made an appearance?

That's all well and good...as long as everyone agrees and DD is warned in advance that grandma might pop round.

What's not okay is for grandma to just let herself in regardless. And it's certainly not okay for her to just bring a friend along with her and sit and have a cup of tea for an hour in someone else's house!

Ok, so DD is an adult.

Why do you ask GP to pop in?

I'd absolutely hate anyone popping in - letting themselves into my home - if I wasn't aware it was going to happen.

If DD is home alone and you know this, you should warn her.

I don't think DD was rude at all.

How old is she Op?

She’s 17.

In which case GP is rude bringing a stranger into your DDs home without warning.

Why did your mother bring someone to YOUR house for a tea party knowing you where out?

thats bizaare... and the crux of the problem.

Both.

The only person not being rude is your DD.

I'm going to elaborate on my response (without being asked to).

I'm autistic and pretty antisocial. Diagnosed as an adult, I was considered to be a rude grumpy child by my family growing up. I've always hated any "surprises", and in her place I'd have refused to come down too.

I'm now an adult in my own home and my family are well aware that I hate being popped in on unannounced, ever. I always need a text asking me - not telling me.

I think your DDs GP is incredibly rude putting her in a position of having to speak to a stranger in her own home.

Note: I no longer see a few of my family members who continued to disrespect my feelings and boundaries.

Why? Are you a shy neuro divergent person?

Rude of DD not to just show face and say hello. If she wasn't happy with her appearance would take 5 minutes to brush her hair, wash her face and throw some clothes on. Understandable that she didn't want to sit and chat with them but bad manners not to say hello.

I'd hate this if I was expecting to have some time to myself. I'd have thought grandma would have had more sense than to drop in with someone the teen doesn't know well.

Clearly the GP has a close relationship with the family to have a key and be welcome to come and go freely, and she does that several times a week. I think that is important to the dynamic. We had a similar dynamic with my grandma when I was growing up. Because of that dynamic GP bring a guest would be no different to anyone else in the household bringing an unannounced guest. So if the OP herself had brought an old friend and asked DD (who is basically an adult and should know manners) to come say hello, it would be rude of DD to not do that.

If your daughter has ASD you and DGP were unreasonable.

Bringing people who are not regularly seen over can cause serious anxiety to people who have ASD.

The GP expecting them to face that anxiety without prior warning was very unreasonable.

If you didn't realise the friend would be brought over unannounced it's not really your fault and you should remind DGP that these encounters are unfair and shouldn't be happening.

All 3 of you in all honestly, all in your individual ways.

This gets even worse

She is 17!

You need to stop infantalising her

So she wants granny to pop in but always alone-so gran can’t make plans with friends?
this whole thing is absurd. Poor gran. I’d tell you both to do one.

Agreed! She threw a tantrum and acted rudely because she only wanted granny to visit and nobody else?

I'm struggling to get my head around 17 year old only just being left alone. She must have significant SEN, in which case her grandmother should be more understanding of her behaviour.

What thread are you reading?

a home is a safe space where you don’t have to worry about random people and unexpected social niceties. It should be a place where you can truly relax. The grandparent violated the sanctity of the space. Then she criticized the teen for not engaging. She owes the teen an apology.

I was around the same age, my Mum didn't want to leave me or my siblings on our own. We lived in the middle of nowhere so didn't really have a choice until we could drive. I was 18 when I got keys for the door on my birthday, I moved out a few weeks later.

No she acted rudely because grandma bought a randomer round while she was in her pjs and she knew nothing about either of them

OK, so, an absolutely angelic, perfectly courteous and well-mannered teen would have come down, greeted GP and friend with a dazzling smile, offered them tea or coffee, brought out the biscuits and made entertaining small talk with them.

But let's face it, that's not most teens. I remember being that age and walking home from a friends one day (knowing my mum was out) and seeing my aunt and uncle knocking on our door, and my automatic reaction was to jump into the nearest doorway to hide from them!!

I also, years later, had a similar situation when I was about 25 and popped round my aunt's house to drop something off and she wasn't back from the shops yet and her young son let me in, made me a drink then went upstairs to carry on playing video games, leaving me on my own for 20 minutes. My mum and other aunts were horrified by his "rudeness", whereas I was simply impressed that he'd even made me a drink, and just kept saying to them all, "for god's sake, give him a break, he's a kid!"

So personally, I'm on the side of your daughter. I think it's a very adult social skill your DM is expecting her to display, and whilst she will need to learn it at some point, it's not surprising if she doesn't yet have it.