Who was BU/rude - teenager or grandparent

[Seriou]

I was out today for a few hours and asked my mum to look in on late teenage DP if she was in area (regularly in my area).

I’ve come home to rant on WhatsApp about how rude dd is - GP came in with a friend and spent time in house/garden drinking tea together. GP asked dd to come downstairs but she wouldn’t.

Relevant facts - DD wasn’t actually expecting GP to visit, Dd is extremely shy and has some SEN, dd was still in her pyjamas, dd hasn’t seen friend for years.

Was GP rude for bringing friend in and then demanding DD come down, and then BU in saying I’m raising a rude teenager ?

Or was Dd actually rude and should have made an appearance?

DD did nothing wrong here. GP are BU.

Interesting GP's response is 'blow up her mum's phone to berate her for rudeness' not 'ask if she's OK'.

Leaving aside the bad manners of Gran, I would have been mortified and angry if one of my DCs, late teen or adult, couldn't be arsed to at least say hi to Gran. A quick head round the door would have been sufficient. It's simply good manners. And rude if it's not done.

Your GM was rude to bring a guest to someone’s house without at least warning them in advance, it’s not her house, she sounds extremely entitled. I’m not surprised your daughter didn’t come downstairs, I wouldn’t appreciate someone I barely knew coming into my house unannounced either and then being expected to socialise with them when I’m not even properly dressed.

Haven't voted because you need to indicate what yabu/yanbu votes mean.

But gp was ride for bringing an uninvited guest into your house

Your mum was not rude to drop in “unannounced” as she was not unexpected as far as she knew because YOU invited her by asking her to pop in to check on your DD if she was in the area. She was in the area- with her friend- so did as you asked. It is rude for a young adult not to say hello. It is hardly difficult to quickly get dressed and briefly say hello to her grandmother (and friend), even if it is something she’d rather not do. Life is full of things we might prefer to avoid, yet should be done because it is required or the right thing to do.

If you knew this sort of thing would be an issue for your DD, surely you should either not have asked your mum to drop in or have told your DD she might drop in so she expected it. And if bringing a friend was absolutely not on, you should have said that your mum could only drop in if she was on her own.

The only thing I can say seems a bit odd is that they had tea in the garden- but perhaps that is something that she normally does.

Granny was rude by bringing her mate round to your house and making tea, just chilling in your garden. I don't like uninvited visitors either and I sure as shit wouldn't have been bounding downstairs in my pj's to say hello to my grans mates (who had no right to be there)

I think you have some boundary issues with your mother , it’s one thing having keys to someone else’s house it’s totally out of order to use someone else’s house to entertain unless it’s been pre arranged . Your mother needs telling that what she did was out of line .

I think gran should not have invited a friend round unless that's a general expectation in your house that that is OK (It may well be).

I do think that parents are not doing teenagers any favors by allowing them to hide in their rooms and refuse to exchange social pleasantries with people who come to the house. Adolescence is supposed to be apprenticeship for adulthood. They need to learn how to say hi non-awkwardly and make small talk for a few minutes. I understand that there is some SEN here, but kids with SEN also benefit from being helped to gradually practice social norms. They will have to do these things as they get older.

I think gp bringing a friend was out of order.

So personally, I'm on the side of your daughter. I think it's a very adult social skill your DM is expecting her to display, and whilst she will need to learn it at some point, it's not surprising if she doesn't yet have it.

She's 17. That's very nearly an adult.

Why does a 17 yr old need checked on?
Leave her alone ffs

Both a big rude. Your dd for not just throwing a sweatshirt on and saying a quick hi. And I think it was entirely bad form of your mum to slag her off to you afterwards

If I was chilling at home i wouldn't expect or appreciate suddenly being expected to entertain or chat to a random friend of someone that doesn't even live there. Sod that

Why did you get your Mum to check in with a girl in her late teens, just because you were out for a few hours?

But why on Earth would you ask someone to check in on a “late” teenager? That’s very strange.

Read the OP. The DD has SEN.

So, she can either be left alone, or she can't.

If your daughter and her grandmother usually get on great and sit and watch some TV together, why has gran suddenly gone from that to "you're raising a rude teenager!" after one incidence of the teen saying no? Your mum sounds like she doesn't respect your daughter.

Grandmama needs a reality check. Bringing her mate around announced for tea and then expected your daughter to come down to say hi when she wasn't expecting it!

Get the boat Grammy and entertain at your own house.

How so? She’d explicitly been asked to visit to check on the daughter. How can she do that if the girl refuses to come out of her room?

Your dd is NOT rude

You are
Your mum is.

She shouts up the stairs, "are you okay?" And then teen says, "yep, I'm fine!"

Job done.

Well, no, that's not how it works, is it? Lots of children can be left for short periods, but not at all day.

Maybe the DD is okay on her own for a few hours and then gets anxious. Maybe she needs supervision when it comes to making lunch, but can be trusted not to touch the oven/hob until grandma arrives. Maybe she just likes the company instead of being on her own all day.

She can shout upstairs and check, or leave her friend outside and come in on her own and make sure her grand-daughter is okay.

No need to bring her friend round and set up camp in the bloody living room.

Op didn't say she'd left her all day, she said she'd left her for a few hours. So what's the point of your post?