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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step grandchild

203 replies

Sar69 · 23/08/2022 12:32

Please help
why do I feel so guilty.
it’s my husbands 50th birthday soon and for a nice idea from all his grandkids I’ve asked parents to send pictures of the grandkids to me to have a drawn picture of all of them together. First time being together aswell.
my step daughter has just had a Baby 8 weeks old and she is the 50th dads daughter. She has also been in my life for 18 years .
And I love her to peices.
she has been with partner for two years and he has son from previous relationship and child is 5 years old .
In this time we have only ever seen him a handful of times so we really have no connection with him.
We don’t leave him out at Christmas , Easter or birthdays , we always buy for him as he is apart of my stepdaughter’s life,
but we don’t class him as a grandchild .
not to say we won’t later on in life but now not at the moment.
Come to picture of grandkids
I asked stepdaughter to send pictures of our new grandchild, even though she did send some of baby by himself
she had also sent a picture
of grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother .The one who I am asking about.
I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.
Am I being unreasonable to say this to her or should we have him added on aswell even though he is nothing to do with us
any advice will certainly be much appreciated.
Thanks

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 23/08/2022 12:36

Do you see the irony in your post op this is your own stepchild? Would it harm if he was included.

Justcallmebebes · 23/08/2022 12:36

To be honest, in these circumstances, I'd include him as I think it could cause upset if you don't

Floralnomad · 23/08/2022 12:40

She sent you a variety of pictures including one of the baby on it’s own so I don’t know why you felt the need to say anything simply use the photo you want and disregard the others .

SunshineAndFizz · 23/08/2022 12:40

Include him. What's the harm?

Think how hurt your step daughter & partner will be if they see that hanging on the wall and the son is excluded.

SalmonEile · 23/08/2022 12:46

I think she wouldn’t have sent the pic of him if she didn’t want him included,

is the child invited to the party, likely to come and see the unveiling of the pic?
I do understand where you are coming from as the relationship has only been two years and you haven’t got to know him but this boy will always be the grandchild’s sibling

If they spilt up later and you or your DH never see the child again then when you look back on the picture it’s still an accurate snap shot of what your DHs family was on his 50th birthday

ultimately it’s up to you though

JammyThing · 23/08/2022 12:48

Why risk hurting your stepdaughter and her family? Just include him.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 12:53

I kind of see both viewpoints. It’s hard to love a child you rarely see.

However, think of him as your husband’s daughter’s stepchild and brother of his grandchild, rather than a step-daughter’s step son , IFSWIM.

Violettaa · 23/08/2022 12:54

The pic of him holding the baby sounds ideal - the focus isn’t specifically on him, but nor is he included.

when considering the various step relations I have, my feeling is generally the more people to love, the better

FrecklesMalone · 23/08/2022 12:55

Life is short. He will always be a part of the family as he is the brother of your DHs child. Include him

Rowen32 · 23/08/2022 12:56

I see where you're coming from especially if you don't see him that much..
Do you have another family member that you trust that you could ask?
Do you think your husband would like him included?
If he's going to be a part of your granddaughter's life it might be nice to include him as hopefully she'll always see him as her brother, yet if he's not in this picture she's realise he's different or seen that way by your family which might be hurtful..

SalmonEile · 23/08/2022 12:58

Also you could ask the artist to draw him holding the 8 week old “version” of the baby because probably more of their features are visible

i think ask yourself what’s the worst than can happen by including him

Whatever00 · 23/08/2022 13:00

I would include him.

TimeAtTheBar · 23/08/2022 13:00

Oh at first it read this as it was her child, and thought you were terribly unreasonable.

But her partners child, who presumably doesn’t live with her? I think that’s a step too far (literally) to be including in the definition of Grandchild.

YANBU.

cakeandchampagne · 23/08/2022 13:00

Open your heart.
Include that little boy in the picture.

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 13:03

She sent you photos with and without though? So there was no need to say anything at all. I'd change your plan and just make a nice collage of them all.

You're causing upset for no reason.

MicksMate · 23/08/2022 13:03

Include him. In 10 years' time you could feel really shitty about leaving him out. You want a pic you can proudly display for years to come, not one you have to think politics about every time your partner's daughter comes round.

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 13:05

She obviously thought oh I don't know if they want DSC too so I'll send them a few and they can decide. No need to go back to her, she's given you what you need

InChocolateWeTrust · 23/08/2022 13:06

The thing is, it's not that unusual for relationships to break up, its perfectly possible that in 3 or 4 years time this child may not be a part of their lives at all and then the picture of their grandchildren would randomly feature a child they barely know who is no longer part of their family.

It's a very difficult one. I personally wouldn't want the extra child in the picture either but I think it'll be really awkward not to.

It's not "their" child, it's his, and if her father barely knows this child it's odd to have them included in a special picture.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2022 13:11

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 13:05

She obviously thought oh I don't know if they want DSC too so I'll send them a few and they can decide. No need to go back to her, she's given you what you need

Yes. No need for messages or upset. Just use the one of the baby if that’s what you want.

Christonabike37 · 23/08/2022 13:11

He'll always be a part of the family really because he's the babies big brother. I'd include him. What harm could it do?

Velvian · 23/08/2022 13:12

Include him. It is things like this that will determine your relationship with him in future.

You are now more tied to him with the birth of his sibling as well.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 23/08/2022 13:31

YANBU.
You hardly know her step child.
of course you are not being u reasonable! Why would you have a picture of him in your house! Totally bizarre to include him.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 23/08/2022 13:32

MicksMate · 23/08/2022 13:03

Include him. In 10 years' time you could feel really shitty about leaving him out. You want a pic you can proudly display for years to come, not one you have to think politics about every time your partner's daughter comes round.

She wants one of her grandkids.
He isn’t her GK. she has nothing to feel bad about.

DaisyBD · 23/08/2022 13:34

I would include him. You don't have to love him like a grandchild, or even see him as a grandchild but it doesn't seem right to exclude him from this. It doesn't hurt you and it would be a nice thing to do for your step daughter and her partner.

My parents have always included my step children in Christmas and birthday presents, to the same degree as my own children and their other biological grandchildren. They don't see the step grandchildren in quite the same way, why would they? But they see them as part of the family and don't want to leave them out.

My mother in law, on the other hand, recently gave a large sum of money to her own grandchildren and left my children out altogether, and I must confess it stung a little - not the monetary aspect, but the very clear message that said: your children are not part of my family.

watcherintherye · 23/08/2022 13:37

Christmasiscominghohoho · 23/08/2022 13:31

YANBU.
You hardly know her step child.
of course you are not being u reasonable! Why would you have a picture of him in your house! Totally bizarre to include him.

He’s the new baby’s brother!!