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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step grandchild

203 replies

Sar69 · 23/08/2022 12:32

Please help
why do I feel so guilty.
it’s my husbands 50th birthday soon and for a nice idea from all his grandkids I’ve asked parents to send pictures of the grandkids to me to have a drawn picture of all of them together. First time being together aswell.
my step daughter has just had a Baby 8 weeks old and she is the 50th dads daughter. She has also been in my life for 18 years .
And I love her to peices.
she has been with partner for two years and he has son from previous relationship and child is 5 years old .
In this time we have only ever seen him a handful of times so we really have no connection with him.
We don’t leave him out at Christmas , Easter or birthdays , we always buy for him as he is apart of my stepdaughter’s life,
but we don’t class him as a grandchild .
not to say we won’t later on in life but now not at the moment.
Come to picture of grandkids
I asked stepdaughter to send pictures of our new grandchild, even though she did send some of baby by himself
she had also sent a picture
of grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother .The one who I am asking about.
I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.
Am I being unreasonable to say this to her or should we have him added on aswell even though he is nothing to do with us
any advice will certainly be much appreciated.
Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Sar69 · 23/08/2022 16:56

Hi all I know there are some fuming with me for not having said boy in picture but for reasons boy does not live with his dad,
we have only seen him a few times in the past couple of years we have known his dad,

you say to add him but would his biological mum accept a photo of her son holding his baby brother that has nothing to do with her.
petty I know.

if we were in his life from when he was born or even toddler we would have time to grow with him
but at the moment he feels like a stranger certainly not our fault and certainly not stepdaughters fault.
His time when he’s at his dads is either with his dad and my step daughter and baby brother or he is going around to see his grandparents and family from dads side .
I have been in my step daughters life ever since she was 7 and have accepted her with open arms ,
we have grown together and every day we grow more . And in time with her partners boy we will too . At the moment we feel like strangers too him and he does to us.
The baby is our grandchild and we have four more .
you’ll probably say another won’t hurt but what happens if all goes pair shaped and no longer here as parents have gone separate ways or they could be forever .
It takes time
sorry if I have upset anyone and have come across as being nasty.
I do appreciate all feed back .
Thanks

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 23/08/2022 16:59

Op think about it this way.
You are a step mum, so is she, remember the photo is for her Dad.

If your Mum was doing a picture for your Dad how would you feel if your DSD was cut out of it?

Would you accept DSD is 'nothing to do with your parents' or 'be hurt they cut out someone important to you'

The fact you feel guilty makes me think you should include him.

BronwenFrideswide · 23/08/2022 16:59

Just have him in the picture if it all goes pear shaped then it is still a record of a moment in time and if it doesn't and you do become closer to him then he will not have to see a picture excluding him.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 23/08/2022 17:00

Sar69 · 23/08/2022 16:56

Hi all I know there are some fuming with me for not having said boy in picture but for reasons boy does not live with his dad,
we have only seen him a few times in the past couple of years we have known his dad,

you say to add him but would his biological mum accept a photo of her son holding his baby brother that has nothing to do with her.
petty I know.

if we were in his life from when he was born or even toddler we would have time to grow with him
but at the moment he feels like a stranger certainly not our fault and certainly not stepdaughters fault.
His time when he’s at his dads is either with his dad and my step daughter and baby brother or he is going around to see his grandparents and family from dads side .
I have been in my step daughters life ever since she was 7 and have accepted her with open arms ,
we have grown together and every day we grow more . And in time with her partners boy we will too . At the moment we feel like strangers too him and he does to us.
The baby is our grandchild and we have four more .
you’ll probably say another won’t hurt but what happens if all goes pair shaped and no longer here as parents have gone separate ways or they could be forever .
It takes time
sorry if I have upset anyone and have come across as being nasty.
I do appreciate all feed back .
Thanks

You are not nasty.
You are realistic and sensible.
You hardly know the child.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/08/2022 17:01

Use the picture of them both

the boy will always be the baby’s brother

Dinoteeth · 23/08/2022 17:02

If it all goes pear shape and they split you have a record of that point in time.

BadNomad · 23/08/2022 17:02

Can you not see the irony, though? That boy is at least genetically linked to the family, being the half-brother of the baby. You have no genetic link to any of them. You're technically just dad's/grandad's wife. That boy will always be part of the wider family, regardless of how often you see him. It isn't his fault no one has made an effort to include him.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 23/08/2022 17:11

Sar69 · 23/08/2022 16:56

Hi all I know there are some fuming with me for not having said boy in picture but for reasons boy does not live with his dad,
we have only seen him a few times in the past couple of years we have known his dad,

you say to add him but would his biological mum accept a photo of her son holding his baby brother that has nothing to do with her.
petty I know.

if we were in his life from when he was born or even toddler we would have time to grow with him
but at the moment he feels like a stranger certainly not our fault and certainly not stepdaughters fault.
His time when he’s at his dads is either with his dad and my step daughter and baby brother or he is going around to see his grandparents and family from dads side .
I have been in my step daughters life ever since she was 7 and have accepted her with open arms ,
we have grown together and every day we grow more . And in time with her partners boy we will too . At the moment we feel like strangers too him and he does to us.
The baby is our grandchild and we have four more .
you’ll probably say another won’t hurt but what happens if all goes pair shaped and no longer here as parents have gone separate ways or they could be forever .
It takes time
sorry if I have upset anyone and have come across as being nasty.
I do appreciate all feed back .
Thanks

I doubt you’re upsetting anyone.

You’re just coming across as a bit unpleasant and odd.

For all you know DSGS’s mum is a lovely inclusive person who would like to see the picture of her son with his half-brother.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:26

BadNomad · 23/08/2022 17:02

Can you not see the irony, though? That boy is at least genetically linked to the family, being the half-brother of the baby. You have no genetic link to any of them. You're technically just dad's/grandad's wife. That boy will always be part of the wider family, regardless of how often you see him. It isn't his fault no one has made an effort to include him.

A bit mean, given OP has said it's nothing to do with genetics, but just that they haven't spent much time with him.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 23/08/2022 17:30

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:26

A bit mean, given OP has said it's nothing to do with genetics, but just that they haven't spent much time with him.

Show quote history

Lots of DGPs have small lockdown GC, who might leave far away, that they haven’t seen as much of as they normally would.

OP is very clearly making a distinction between “proper” (genetic) grandchildren over social grandchildren.

It is just such an old-fashioned attitude and distinctly strange from a step(grand)mother.

QuizzlyBear · 23/08/2022 17:31

Personally I'd leave him out of the main picture but frame the photo of the two together and display that as prominently.

I say that as a stepchild of a stepchild myself! It would be different if this were a portrait for the baby, but this is a gift for the grandfather, with whom he has no relationship apparently.

TimeAtTheBar · 23/08/2022 17:38

QuizzlyBear · 23/08/2022 17:31

Personally I'd leave him out of the main picture but frame the photo of the two together and display that as prominently.

I say that as a stepchild of a stepchild myself! It would be different if this were a portrait for the baby, but this is a gift for the grandfather, with whom he has no relationship apparently.

This, in spades! It’s a portrait of the DH’s grandchildren. This child is a part of the family, but emphatically not his grandchild.

FinallyHere · 23/08/2022 17:38
  • she had also sent a picture of grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother *

Using this picture seems an ideal way forward to me.

Clever idea.

How bad is it for you or your DH that the picture contains a 'random' compared to the pleasure that incursion will give to those closely associated ? You expect you might get closer eventually anyway, great basis if you take the first gesture toward that inclusion.

My step-son, who I had only ever known as an adult, acquired a stepson when he got married. Our relationship really blossomed when we immediately included his new stepson right front the get going.

We are not really close to step dons step son, who lives on the other side of the earth, but we do keep in touch and step son is hugely delighted. Big return very a very small effort.

BadNomad · 23/08/2022 17:39

Meraas · 23/08/2022 17:26

A bit mean, given OP has said it's nothing to do with genetics, but just that they haven't spent much time with him.

Show quote history

Do you think a bio grandchild living in Australia would be left out too then? I doubt it.

oakleaffy · 23/08/2022 17:42

BadNomad · 23/08/2022 17:02

Can you not see the irony, though? That boy is at least genetically linked to the family, being the half-brother of the baby. You have no genetic link to any of them. You're technically just dad's/grandad's wife. That boy will always be part of the wider family, regardless of how often you see him. It isn't his fault no one has made an effort to include him.

Spot on.
Accept all in this pic, or none.
The 5 yr old is genetically linked to the baby
OP isn’t!

BadNomad · 23/08/2022 17:43

People are always ranting and raging about how stepmothers are supposed to treat stepchildren like their own children. Until it comes to grandparents. It seems grandparents are allowed to say, "No, I don't recognise your stepchild as family."

I8toys · 23/08/2022 17:44

For me its the relationship with your husband. If he doesn't and never will have one with him then I'd leave him out. Nothing to do with the op's relationship as its a picture for her husband and his grandchildren.

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 23/08/2022 17:47

I would just include him, as he is kin to your newborn grandchild.

Love isn’t finite, with only so much to give & then it’s all gone.
It’s infinite, like an ever expanding elastic band that circles your family (step grandchildren too) & keeps your family together.

Helpimfalling · 23/08/2022 18:00

rnsaslkih · 23/08/2022 14:24

He is something to do with you though. He is the baby’s half sibling! Just include him. Perhaps holding the baby - that anchors him to his sibling.

Yes!

Blackmetalmama · 23/08/2022 18:03

I don't think you're being nasty or unreasonable at all. I don't know why you would be expected to include the child you have only met a couple of times. He won't care as surely he doesnt see you as his gran. I dont know why your stepdaughter would as she knows he is only related through marriage and they have hardly introduced him to you so the bond isn't there between you all.

Go ahead and just have the picture you imagined.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/08/2022 18:11

What if your DH's family hadn't included you, in case you'd split up? Your relationship grew with your DSD, why wouldn't you nurture a relationship with her DSS?

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2022 18:13

but what happens if all goes pair shaped and no longer here as parents have gone separate ways

That little boy will ALWAYS be the grandson's brother. Nothing will ever change that.

I can't believe you're being so fucking weird about this. It's baffling.

Greensleeves · 23/08/2022 18:30

Sar69 · 23/08/2022 16:56

Hi all I know there are some fuming with me for not having said boy in picture but for reasons boy does not live with his dad,
we have only seen him a few times in the past couple of years we have known his dad,

you say to add him but would his biological mum accept a photo of her son holding his baby brother that has nothing to do with her.
petty I know.

if we were in his life from when he was born or even toddler we would have time to grow with him
but at the moment he feels like a stranger certainly not our fault and certainly not stepdaughters fault.
His time when he’s at his dads is either with his dad and my step daughter and baby brother or he is going around to see his grandparents and family from dads side .
I have been in my step daughters life ever since she was 7 and have accepted her with open arms ,
we have grown together and every day we grow more . And in time with her partners boy we will too . At the moment we feel like strangers too him and he does to us.
The baby is our grandchild and we have four more .
you’ll probably say another won’t hurt but what happens if all goes pair shaped and no longer here as parents have gone separate ways or they could be forever .
It takes time
sorry if I have upset anyone and have come across as being nasty.
I do appreciate all feed back .
Thanks

The baby isn't your grandchild, though, is he? The only claim YOU have to that baby is via a step relationship. So posters are finding it bizarre that you want to exclude this little boy because he isn't "family", when in fact neither are you! He has a blood relationship with that baby. You don't!

If I were your stepdaughter, the damage would already have been done when you made your comments about only wanting the baby in the picture and not her stepchild. How do you think that felt to her, as a stepchild?

TheCutter · 23/08/2022 18:33

This exact situation happened to a friend of mine. They posted a photoshopped picture on Facebook with all the grandchildren for granny's big birthday but left out her eldest son's stepchild. It didn't go down well at all and caused so much upset.

BronwenFrideswide · 23/08/2022 18:40

Would you/have you/did you exclude your step daughter from pictures or photographs of the family that you took/do/did for your parents or other friends and family, or exclude her from family events after all she is not your genetic child is she?

You are being petty and nasty this is a picture of all the grandchildren/children that are part of the family at this moment in time and you want to deliberately exclude one for spurious reasons.

I should imagine that you have upset your step daughter very much.