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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step grandchild

203 replies

Sar69 · 23/08/2022 12:32

Please help
why do I feel so guilty.
it’s my husbands 50th birthday soon and for a nice idea from all his grandkids I’ve asked parents to send pictures of the grandkids to me to have a drawn picture of all of them together. First time being together aswell.
my step daughter has just had a Baby 8 weeks old and she is the 50th dads daughter. She has also been in my life for 18 years .
And I love her to peices.
she has been with partner for two years and he has son from previous relationship and child is 5 years old .
In this time we have only ever seen him a handful of times so we really have no connection with him.
We don’t leave him out at Christmas , Easter or birthdays , we always buy for him as he is apart of my stepdaughter’s life,
but we don’t class him as a grandchild .
not to say we won’t later on in life but now not at the moment.
Come to picture of grandkids
I asked stepdaughter to send pictures of our new grandchild, even though she did send some of baby by himself
she had also sent a picture
of grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother .The one who I am asking about.
I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.
Am I being unreasonable to say this to her or should we have him added on aswell even though he is nothing to do with us
any advice will certainly be much appreciated.
Thanks

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 27/08/2022 10:00

DuchessDarty · 26/08/2022 23:31

But the recipient will also probably prefer to not have his daughter upset and want be guided by her @aSofaNearYou

To that end, you and others have misinterpreted what the OP said about the daughter (OP’s SD) sending one photo with or without and leaving it up to the OP to choose. No, the SD kind of did express a preference.

The OP asked the SD specifically for photos of the baby, “the new grandchild”. Not for children plural but child singular, plural, but the baby. The SD sent several of just the baby but also included the one of the brother holding the baby. If she was cool with him not being included, she probably would have followed the instruction to the letter and not included any of him at all.

Yes, I'm aware of that, we could go around in circles saying "but he won't want his DD to be upset so just include the child". I know that, that's why I'm saying she's putting them in an awkward position. My argument is that she should not feel upset by it, and that is where the fault lies. I'm aware they may feel they have no choice but to indulge that upset. That's the problem.

I don't think either of us can conclusively deduce her feelings on it from the fact that she sent options, tbh. She might be making a statement by including one with the other child, or it might be more telling that she sent several without him. She might even have been/felt pressured into including one of him by her DP. The only way to really know is to ask her.

Footbal · 27/08/2022 10:08

My inlaws have two step grandchildren. The mother of the two children got a gift made for Grandmother ,it was a puzzle in a frame of all the grandchildrens names. She didn't include the step grandchildren (her own children). It was the right thing to do. They have their own grandparents.

BungleandGeorge · 27/08/2022 10:15

If you feel very strongly I’d just get the baby in the pic. Personally I’d just speak to your step daughter and if she would like both in the pic I’d be happy to do that. Presumably there’s a chance that Dad might get some more grandchildren as he’s only 50, so it’s unlikely to be a definitive picture of the grandkids anyway!

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