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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step grandchild

203 replies

Sar69 · 23/08/2022 12:32

Please help
why do I feel so guilty.
it’s my husbands 50th birthday soon and for a nice idea from all his grandkids I’ve asked parents to send pictures of the grandkids to me to have a drawn picture of all of them together. First time being together aswell.
my step daughter has just had a Baby 8 weeks old and she is the 50th dads daughter. She has also been in my life for 18 years .
And I love her to peices.
she has been with partner for two years and he has son from previous relationship and child is 5 years old .
In this time we have only ever seen him a handful of times so we really have no connection with him.
We don’t leave him out at Christmas , Easter or birthdays , we always buy for him as he is apart of my stepdaughter’s life,
but we don’t class him as a grandchild .
not to say we won’t later on in life but now not at the moment.
Come to picture of grandkids
I asked stepdaughter to send pictures of our new grandchild, even though she did send some of baby by himself
she had also sent a picture
of grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother .The one who I am asking about.
I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.
Am I being unreasonable to say this to her or should we have him added on aswell even though he is nothing to do with us
any advice will certainly be much appreciated.
Thanks

OP posts:
summerandsun · 23/08/2022 15:09

Justmuddlingalong · 23/08/2022 14:06

I presume you've been welcomed into your DH's family? Can you honestly not do the same for the little boy?

Exactly, we don't know the context but somehow you ended up being accepted in a blended family and why would you not choose the same/honourable/kind/easy path of including the photo of your step daughter holding her new sibling?

You mention you have hardly seen the boy since your step daughter got together with her partner over the last two years. Why is that? Covid? If so, then that is understandable but no reason to exclude the poor boy.

Outlyingtrout · 23/08/2022 15:09

Christmasiscominghohoho · 23/08/2022 13:32

She wants one of her grandkids.
He isn’t her GK. she has nothing to feel bad about.

Show quote history

Well actually if we’re into being exclusionary, no they aren’t her grandkids. They are her husband’s grandkids who are in her life because their parents generously accepted her as a non-blood relative. And now she wants to exclude one of their stepchildren from the family picture.

RedHelenB · 23/08/2022 15:10

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 23/08/2022 14:18

Why? Why be so petty of spirit?

Show quote history

I suppose if they did split up before the family has a chance to know them? Like I said, is display the one with step child in.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 15:11

summerandsun · 23/08/2022 15:09

Exactly, we don't know the context but somehow you ended up being accepted in a blended family and why would you not choose the same/honourable/kind/easy path of including the photo of your step daughter holding her new sibling?

You mention you have hardly seen the boy since your step daughter got together with her partner over the last two years. Why is that? Covid? If so, then that is understandable but no reason to exclude the poor boy.

Show quote history

Or maybe DH and DSD have been welcomed into OP’s family?

876starlight · 23/08/2022 15:13

Oh right thank you to the two posters who made it clear to me.

I wouldn’t include him at all. He’s literally not family and your stepdaughter has only known him for 2 years. How many times have you even met him? Just include the baby and leave it at that.

I don’t think you need to say anything though. Just take the picture of the baby and make the portrait

Rosiethecat15 · 23/08/2022 15:13

I hope the 5 year old doesn't ever pick up on this.
I also hope that if it's the case that his biological mum has a new partner and they also go on to have a baby together, that the grandparents/ step grandparents on that side don't have the same attitude towards him.

cexuwaleozbu · 23/08/2022 15:14

Love isn't a finite resource that can be used up, but neither is it something that can be produced on-demand. Maybe you will come to love this child and maybe not, but there is no harm whatsoever in their photo being included for this event, and the fact that you were sent this image suggests strongly that the parents want to encourage the bond you feel. Why not?

pinheadlarry · 23/08/2022 15:16

Include him he's family,

I was adopted and I will never forget, they all took a family photo for their relatives in a different country and i asked to be in it and they said " no because they don't know you" I felt really rejected
They also had a family photo downstairs without me in it
Small things like this matter to children

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 15:20

I mean if they arent even married they might split up. 2 years isn't much time at at all

Fladdermus · 23/08/2022 15:22

Talk to your stepdaughter and decide together surely?

pinkyredrose · 23/08/2022 15:22

I wouldn't include him. He's the daughter's boyfriend's child from the boyfriend's previous relationship. They'll wonder why there's a kid they don't know in the picture, there's no connection there. If the daughter's relationship breaks up they'll never see him again.

thankwe · 23/08/2022 15:23

My solution is not to have a gift that could cause friction with who and who isn’t included.
To make a drawing of separate photos meshed together could look a bit weird or as if they’re floating in space. I’ve seen people advertise they make drawings from photos but they are usually dreadful - unless you’re paying for a professional artist of course 😁
My parents have such a drawing of themselves - being blunt(er) - it’s awful

Change123today · 23/08/2022 15:25

My step MIL also wanted a special photo of the children and Grandchildren - she included in her request her step child and her step grand - children.

That photo sits pride of place in her living room for all to see - that’s their family.
There is other groups of pictures but the main one is of all thé blended family together.

Exclude him but he will see that every time he walks into your house as will his little brother.

billy1966 · 23/08/2022 15:26

Do you see this child, that your step child has had, as in any way connected to you?

I would think of it in terms of that.
Why do you see so little of him?

If he is very rarely living with your step daughter perhaps that indeed could be a factor in the decision.

But if he is a big part of your step daughter's life, then yes I would.

hugefanofcheese · 23/08/2022 15:29

I'd just include him, not sure what you want the format to be but it sounds like you want an ensemble portrait made up.from separate photos? Not sure how the baby would fit in there without someone holding him so it makes sense. Either way, it would mean something to the baby when he gets older as it's his brother so it's not as though it's just her relatively newish (in the grand scheme of things) partner's son who may disappear from all your lives. If he ends up becoming closer to the wider family then you'll be glad you included him, if not then no harm done anyway, there's no difficulty explaining who he is. You don't need to love him like a grandchild but it would be a kind and welcoming gesture that takes nothing away from the picture.

madasawethen · 23/08/2022 15:30

Include him. It won't matter a bit in 20 years will it.
Besides, I've never seen one of those hand drawn family pics that looked halfway decent. Just take a look at etsy.Grin

mamabear715 · 23/08/2022 15:30

I'm sorry, OP, but I think it's cruel. Don't mean to hurt YOU, am just thinking of that poor little boy. :-(
What would it hurt to have his picture up too, & to send a photo of all the pics to your stepdaughter.
@pinheadlarry I'm so sorry.. must have been very hurtful.

Sewmania · 23/08/2022 15:32

This young child will always be the baby’s brother. Hopefully he will be part of your family for many years to come and over time you will develop stronger feelings for him - in the same way that you have developed a relationship with your step-daughter. Do you really want him to be reminded of being excluded every time he visits your home?

OnaBegonia · 23/08/2022 15:33

The level of petty that you would think to exclude him, he's your grandchild's brother,does it really matter that he's in the picture?
Just horrible way to think.

pinkyredrose · 23/08/2022 15:35

I'm sorry, OP, but I think it's cruel. Don't mean to hurt YOU, am just thinking of that poor little boy. :-(

What makes you think he's a 'poor little boy'?

Will this boys maternal grandparents be including their 'step grandchildren' in family portaits? If not why not?

Arenanewbie · 23/08/2022 15:35

The pic of him holding the baby sounds ideal - the focus isn’t specifically on him, but nor is he included.
This^
Also last few years were difficult and restricted in socializing, your SD was pregnant so probably hasn’t got a chance to involve little boy in your life more.

Choopi · 23/08/2022 15:37

mamabear715 · 23/08/2022 15:30

I'm sorry, OP, but I think it's cruel. Don't mean to hurt YOU, am just thinking of that poor little boy. :-(
What would it hurt to have his picture up too, & to send a photo of all the pics to your stepdaughter.
@pinheadlarry I'm so sorry.. must have been very hurtful.

The poor little boy hardly knows of their existence though? His dad's girlfriends parents? If he sees his dad every other weekend why would he want to spend time with his dad's girlfriends parents rather than with his dad and his own grandparents? I'm sure the poor little boy has his own grandparents that dote on him, why would he care if is on the wall of 2 virtual strangers? If he raises it when he is older if they are still together would the truth not work? We didn't know you back then?

AverageJoan · 23/08/2022 15:42

I think it's cruel not to include him. My BIL has a son from a previous relationship and he was included in the professional photographs we had on my grandma's 80th birthday because it never crossed anyone's minds that he wouldn't be. He is part of our family, regardless of whether or not he is blood related.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 23/08/2022 15:46

oh no have you already messaged her back saying I only wanted pictures of the baby not the chlid :( wtf

Darkstar4855 · 23/08/2022 15:47

Include him. You are adults, be the bigger person and remember he is a 5 year old and it’s not his fault that his dad is now with your husband’s daughter instead of his mum. It’s a little thing for you but could make a massive difference to him. You will always be linked to him because he’s the brother of your husband’s grandson.

Also it’ll look pretty rubbish to your new step grandson when he’s a bit older and asks why he’s in the photo but his brother isn’t.