Step grandchild

[Sar69]

Please help
why do I feel so guilty.
it’s my husbands 50th birthday soon and for a nice idea from all his grandkids I’ve asked parents to send pictures of the grandkids to me to have a drawn picture of all of them together. First time being together aswell.
my step daughter has just had a Baby 8 weeks old and she is the 50th dads daughter. She has also been in my life for 18 years .
And I love her to peices.
she has been with partner for two years and he has son from previous relationship and child is 5 years old .
In this time we have only ever seen him a handful of times so we really have no connection with him.
We don’t leave him out at Christmas , Easter or birthdays , we always buy for him as he is apart of my stepdaughter’s life,
but we don’t class him as a grandchild .
not to say we won’t later on in life but now not at the moment.
Come to picture of grandkids
I asked stepdaughter to send pictures of our new grandchild, even though she did send some of baby by himself
she had also sent a picture
of grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother .The one who I am asking about.
I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.
Am I being unreasonable to say this to her or should we have him added on aswell even though he is nothing to do with us
any advice will certainly be much appreciated.
Thanks

But what’s the harm in including him - it will be a painting displayed somewhere and will become part of the furniture and you will hardly notice it’s there after a week or two.

It would probably mean a lot to your husband’s daughter that her own step-child is included. What would your DH’s thoughts be - to include or exclude this boy ? Think ahead to the aftermath, when your DH is given the painting and his daughter tells him she’s upset as you refused to include her step- child ? The happiness will be gone from the painting.

Maybe you should scrap the idea of the painting and find an alternative gift.

I get the feeling people are being deliberately obtuse. Do you think it is comparable? Like really? Boy she has met a handful of times vs step daughter she has known for years? Since when is we don't know the lad a spurious reason? If it was that important that the boy be part of the wider family I would imagine they(being the boyfriend and step daughter) would have made the effort to actually include him in the wider family. They haven't made an effort so can't be shocked when people don't think of a virtual stranger as family.

So it would have been okay for OP to exclude step daughter from family photos for her family etc., in the first few years of their relationship? Include her later and explain it by saying, well, I didn't know if we would stay together and you are not genetically tied to me.

The child is part of the step daughter's family therefore part of the wider family. Step daughter sent what sounds like a lovely photograph of the boy holding his new brother so clearly he is very much included and expected to be otherwise why take the photo and then send it to OP? I bet she wishes she hadn't after OP's response as it is very clear that OP is not interested in the whole family of her step daughter.

I can see no good reason why a child in her step daughter's family would not be included in the picture, all I can see is spite and exclusion for him not being one of them.

Include him in the photo. The boy is the grandchild's half brother.
If you do not include him, it will scar him for life whenever he goes to the home and sees he is missing.

It's a photo that can impact a child's life. It's not a bloody inheritance. Can't you just find the space in your heart just to extend something so simple to the child ? It costs you nothing. But it is priceless for that child to know that he is not excluded. Remember, he is going to be the big brother to the baby since they are blended family. If we can cry about a 9 year old being gunned down , why can't you extend some love to the child ? He's a child.

YABVU

I think if she has had a baby with this man that should show you how committed she is to this blended family - you would cause offence if you left him out it’s likely she has sent you this photo as she has noticed you did not ask for his picture and she is giving you the benefit of the doubt that you will not leave him out.

I think yabvvvvu.

He is your grandson's half brother. Even if the parents relationship didn't last, this would still be true anyway so your argument doesn't hold.

I just can't understand why you wouldn't include him.

“Known him for 2 years” and had a baby with his dad! So yeh that’s family- half sibling of the baby. Family for life whether you like it or not.

Why do people always say things like this. It’s not remotely the same- it’s a completely childish point.

Even if the couple break up the little boy will still be the baby’s sibling, so not strange at all.

I once asked someone I knew how many grandchildren she had and she replied '8 - but two of them don't really count as they're not real grandchildren'. They were the small children of her son's second wife. She went down in my estimation.

Thankfully my stepdaughter doesn't think like that and to her children I am 'Nana Goggins'. Life is too short to exclude people and children can't work out the complicated relationships created by adults.

you say to add him but would his biological mum accept a photo of her son holding his baby brother that has nothing to do with her.
petty I know.

extremely petty.

YANBU to feel as you do, and I hate when people in your DSD's position make this awkward for people by making the presumption their family will see their new SC they've seen a handful of times as their GC.

I have a DSS my family have met a handful of times and as much as they are nice to and about him, it would be very odd within the relationships that are actually there for me to include him on a gift like this for my dad. He's a friendly acquaintance, really.

If she's given you options I would veer between just using the one you want and not including him, or including one of him with DGC but fairly small. It is the sort of thing that COULD cause upset, though I don't think it's right that it should.

Sorry, I've just realised it's a drawn picture and not a collage.

Could you not try to organise to have an actual photo taken of all the GCs together, then have that drawn? I'd have thought that would make more sense anyway and would probably solve the issue naturally as her DSS isn't there full time so likely wouldn't be around at the time.

Maybe just put him in on the end and rub him out if he leaves the family? In the same way some people cut exes out of wedding photos.

I once asked someone I knew how many grandchildren she had and she replied '8 - but two of them don't really count as they're not real grandchildren'. They were the small children of her son's second wife. She went down in my estimation. see I would have thought she was saying she has 8 but officially according to genealogists 2 don't "count" as she didn't know what answer you were looking for. I guess it depends on the tone of voice and circumstances around the conversation. I say I have one child and two 2 DSC when asked.

Chillipenguin i paraphrased the conversation. She didn't want to include them.

I don't get the horror at the suggestion of this boy not being included. Would he even care that his step mothers dad doesn't have him included in a painting of his grandchildren? They've been together a relatively short time, relationships don't always last, they aren't married, they could have broken up by this time next year and you'll never see him again.

If this was a child you had known since he was a baby, treated him as a grandchild and your step daughter was married to his dad and had been for a longtime I'd get it. But a two year relationship where her partner happens to have a 5 year old you barely know? No. It's really not some terrible crime to not include him.

My dad would find it very weird if I got him a painting of his grandchildren and included my two step kids in it. He barely knows them! And they'd be freaked out too if they ever went to his house (they've been there about twice in our entire relationship) and saw a painting of them on the wall. Likewise if there was a painting of their half sibling and his other grandchildren, they'd not blink an eye because he's not their grandad and they know that.

Ah right I see

Why would he query why a child he's met a "handful of times" in two years isn't in the picture of his grandchildren? __

And?

My children will always be the siblings of my step children. Their mum's parents don't have paintings of my kids in their house though and nor would they be expected to.

YABU. Your own stepchild sent a pic of her stepchild and you wanted to exclude him? You don’t see the irony in this?

I don't see any irony.

The picture isn't for OPs step daughter. It's for her husband of his grandchildren. And he barely knows this kid.

If they were getting a picture done for OPs step daughter then yes it would be a lot more obvious that he'd been excluded.

But the recipient of the picture barely knows this boy and he's not his grandchild (doesn't matter whether he's blood or not, but that's clearly not the relationship they have regardless).

You do see the irony in your situation, right?? This little boy is HER stepchild & if she is YOURS, then of course he is family & should be included.

At the end of the day, it's just a drawing on a wall - does it really matter??

Although, I'm not sure why you're asking for feedback as you've clearly already made your mind up anyway!

As other posters have said though, the gift isn't for her, and the person it's for barely knows him and doesn't have that relationship with him at all.

It would be exclusionary to not include him if the picture was for DSD herself.