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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step grandchild

203 replies

Sar69 · 23/08/2022 12:32

Please help
why do I feel so guilty.
it’s my husbands 50th birthday soon and for a nice idea from all his grandkids I’ve asked parents to send pictures of the grandkids to me to have a drawn picture of all of them together. First time being together aswell.
my step daughter has just had a Baby 8 weeks old and she is the 50th dads daughter. She has also been in my life for 18 years .
And I love her to peices.
she has been with partner for two years and he has son from previous relationship and child is 5 years old .
In this time we have only ever seen him a handful of times so we really have no connection with him.
We don’t leave him out at Christmas , Easter or birthdays , we always buy for him as he is apart of my stepdaughter’s life,
but we don’t class him as a grandchild .
not to say we won’t later on in life but now not at the moment.
Come to picture of grandkids
I asked stepdaughter to send pictures of our new grandchild, even though she did send some of baby by himself
she had also sent a picture
of grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother .The one who I am asking about.
I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.
Am I being unreasonable to say this to her or should we have him added on aswell even though he is nothing to do with us
any advice will certainly be much appreciated.
Thanks

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 24/08/2022 10:00

As you remember him at Christmas, Easter etc., does your daughter think you are more invested than you actually are? She sent you the baby photograph, just use that one. But keep the photo of him holding the baby framed in a draw so you can put it out if he comes round.

Golaz · 24/08/2022 11:17

chillipenguin · 24/08/2022 09:01

Maybe just put him in on the end and rub him out if he leaves the family? In the same way some people cut exes out of wedding photos.

😂😂😂😂. I think this comment sums up how petty and childish this debate is

Castleheights · 24/08/2022 12:03

Your step daughter knows you don’t want to include her step son this early in the relationship. That is why she gave you two photos. One of just the grand baby and another with the step son. No need to feel bad. It’s early days in relationships terms and about timing not because you are being unkind.

rookiemere · 24/08/2022 12:20

Maybe it's worth taking a step back and thinking about who this present is for. What would the DGF want in this situation?

Well I suspect possibly for him the most important thing is for all of his family to be happy and there to be goodwill between his DSIL and himself.

Downside of including DGSS in picture - he's not an actual gc, DPs may split up and never see him again, the DGPs don't know him that well.
Downsides of not including DGSS in picture - DSD and her DH could be hurt and back off from family including not attending family events with DGSS as he isn't seen as part of family.

Just include him, DSD knew exactly what she was doing when she included a photo with the boy in it.

I8toys · 24/08/2022 18:01

I don't understand the issue. Its a picture for the grandfather of his grandchildren. The child isn't his grandchild but purely the step brother of one of his grandchildren and therefore barely has any relationship to the person who the picture is for.

Dinoteeth · 24/08/2022 23:01

I8toys · 24/08/2022 18:01

I don't understand the issue. Its a picture for the grandfather of his grandchildren. The child isn't his grandchild but purely the step brother of one of his grandchildren and therefore barely has any relationship to the person who the picture is for.

The children are half siblings not step siblings.

I think including the child has to be the safe option.

Op how would you feel if your parents excluded your DSD from a family picture?

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2022 07:50

*I think including the child has to be the safe option.

Op how would you feel if your parents excluded your DSD from a family picture?*

I agree that many people WOULD overreact to this but I don't think she should have to worry that it would be unsafe to not include him. People should have the common sense to realise that a SC of two years that your family have met a handful of times will not feel that close to them. If the relationship was closer, sure, but it isn't.

Dinoteeth · 25/08/2022 11:41

I agree she probably shouldn't have to worry.
But people have brains that go into overdrive and read stuff that's not there.

Cutting him out could easily be read "Hurump, if my DSS isn't important enough to be included, yet MY DSM buys him gifts, does that mean it's all a pretence to care when really she doesn't care about him"
And half way down that rabbit hole of crazy thinking "Maybe I'M not important to my DSM either, maybe it's all pretence to keep my DDad happy" and once those crazy thoughts are in someone's head they start over analysing everything and wee things become much bigger.

So for those reasons I'd include the kid. And actually now he has a half brother they are likely to see more of the DSGC too.

Kitkatcatflap · 25/08/2022 15:01

"Dinoteeth* Bit of a leap there.

DuchessDarty · 26/08/2022 22:09

I’m loving all this “only met him [5 year old] a handful of times in the last two years so hardly now him”

Well how well can they know the SD’s new partner given she’s only been with him for 2 years and those two years include a global pandemic where there were restrictions.

Good going of the SD to find a new partner in 2020, prime lockdown, and have an 8 week baby since then.

But then there are often interesting timings and other somewhat-out-of-the-ordinary details in step-parenting posts, with AIBU step-parenting posts often having a habit of being v similar to recent posts. There’s one fairly similar in the step-parent section right now.

Yes you are being petty OP to compare it whether the mother of the 5 year old would have a photo up of the two children. My friend has a photo up in her house of her DD with her DD’s half-sibling from the DD’s father’s new relationship. Because it’s a picture for her DD’s benefit of her beloved only sibling. My friend has even shown me very cute videos of her DD and DD’s little half-sister. She loves that her DD has a sibling and has a very amicable co-parenting relationship.

YABU in having said to your SD you only needed pictures of the baby. That was impolite of you. I think you should include the photo of the boy holding the baby. You may get to know him more know you have a common bond (the baby). I am snorting at a PP’s idea that you include a photo of him but “smaller”. That would be petty.

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2022 22:20

DuchessDarty · 26/08/2022 22:09

I’m loving all this “only met him [5 year old] a handful of times in the last two years so hardly now him”

Well how well can they know the SD’s new partner given she’s only been with him for 2 years and those two years include a global pandemic where there were restrictions.

Good going of the SD to find a new partner in 2020, prime lockdown, and have an 8 week baby since then.

But then there are often interesting timings and other somewhat-out-of-the-ordinary details in step-parenting posts, with AIBU step-parenting posts often having a habit of being v similar to recent posts. There’s one fairly similar in the step-parent section right now.

Yes you are being petty OP to compare it whether the mother of the 5 year old would have a photo up of the two children. My friend has a photo up in her house of her DD with her DD’s half-sibling from the DD’s father’s new relationship. Because it’s a picture for her DD’s benefit of her beloved only sibling. My friend has even shown me very cute videos of her DD and DD’s little half-sister. She loves that her DD has a sibling and has a very amicable co-parenting relationship.

YABU in having said to your SD you only needed pictures of the baby. That was impolite of you. I think you should include the photo of the boy holding the baby. You may get to know him more know you have a common bond (the baby). I am snorting at a PP’s idea that you include a photo of him but “smaller”. That would be petty.

This is nothing like that example though - it's for a grandparent not a mother having to prioritise coparenting her own child.

And the grandparent just doesn't know this child very well. It's not a given that they'll get to know each other because of the half sibling connection - my parents have seen my DSS maybe twice in four years since my DD was born.

saraclara · 26/08/2022 22:22

Since she sent two pictures, one with both children and one with just the new baby, she clearly intended to let you choose whether you wanted her stepson in the picture or not.

That. And in sending you both she was leaning you an opening for a conversation about it. Since you get on well, talk to get. Say that your instinct is to just use the one of the baby, as you don't know the other boy at all. But that you want to know how she feels about that. Listen in a spirit of openness, as it really does sound as though she already understands that you might feel conflicted or unsure what to do.

DuchessDarty · 26/08/2022 22:25

@aSofaNearYou it was the OP who brought up the example of a/the “biological” mother, not me, take it up with her!

Yes they may not get to know the boy well in the future. But I don’t think that’s the most relevant point. The most relevant point IMO is that the SD provided a photo of the boy (with his brother) and is the OP’s step-child herself. For her benefit if not the boys, I’d include step-grandchildren.

TiredzzZZ · 26/08/2022 22:26

Of course YABU. Not meaning to sound too harsh OP, as you are probably lovely, but please don't be mean. Include him, and please try to make an effort to get to know him more too, and see him more

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 26/08/2022 22:27

He's your husbands grandsons brother. That makes them family. They will still be family if their parents split.

ChickenBurgers · 26/08/2022 22:30

I promise you that it hurts to not be considered fully part of the family. Don’t do that to a 5yo.

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2022 22:55

DuchessDarty · 26/08/2022 22:25

@aSofaNearYou it was the OP who brought up the example of a/the “biological” mother, not me, take it up with her!

Yes they may not get to know the boy well in the future. But I don’t think that’s the most relevant point. The most relevant point IMO is that the SD provided a photo of the boy (with his brother) and is the OP’s step-child herself. For her benefit if not the boys, I’d include step-grandchildren.

The most relevant point for me is that anyone in the SD's position who knows their parents have only met their partner of two years' other child a handful of times and aren't that close to them, should not be upset by them not being included in something like this. They should have the common sense to see why and not force their family into uncomfortable positions based on the notion that they are much closer to the child than they obviously are.

That said, I agree with other posters saying that since she provided more than one photo including one's without, she probably IS aware of this and would be reasonable about it.

DustinsHat · 26/08/2022 23:01

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 26/08/2022 22:27

He's your husbands grandsons brother. That makes them family. They will still be family if their parents split.

Exactly!! Imagine the baby when he's older wondering where his brother is?! Come on OP, do better.

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2022 23:13

Exactly!! Imagine the baby when he's older wondering where his brother is?! Come on OP, do better.

My DD would not wonder this. When your half siblings lives with you for only a handful of your time, you know that they have different family to you and are perfectly used to it.

People seem really incapable of imagining family relationships that are not exactly like nuclear families, but honestly when one of the children is only around on weekends or less it is nothing like that. That's ok.

DuchessDarty · 26/08/2022 23:16

They should have the common sense to see why and not force their family into uncomfortable positions based on the notion that they are much closer to the child than they obviously are.

How uncomfortable is it though to include one photo of a child who is part of your husband’s daughter’s family?

As part of her common sense, the OP’s SD may think that the mature thing to do is to include rather than exclude.

I’d love to know what the SD said when the OP told her she only wanted photos of grandchildren. OP?

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2022 23:20

DuchessDarty · 26/08/2022 23:16

They should have the common sense to see why and not force their family into uncomfortable positions based on the notion that they are much closer to the child than they obviously are.

How uncomfortable is it though to include one photo of a child who is part of your husband’s daughter’s family?

As part of her common sense, the OP’s SD may think that the mature thing to do is to include rather than exclude.

I’d love to know what the SD said when the OP told her she only wanted photos of grandchildren. OP?

It's uncomfortable because it's feeling pressured to alter something that's specifically designed to reflect the people that are closest to the recipient and mean the most to him, to feature someone that bluntly (but quite naturally in these circumstances) doesn't. It detracts from what the gift is, you'd be thinking it every time you saw it.

It's not something that should have to be vocalised, but it's just the truth.

Quincythequince · 26/08/2022 23:22

cakeandchampagne · 23/08/2022 13:00

Open your heart.
Include that little boy in the picture.

Why?’He won’t ever see it from the sounds of it.

Quincythequince · 26/08/2022 23:24

YANBU OP.

People will guilt you into this bit being in a situation like this, doesn’t mean talkative ten years from now you will know him any better.

Do what you think is right.

Quincythequince · 26/08/2022 23:27

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2022 23:20

It's uncomfortable because it's feeling pressured to alter something that's specifically designed to reflect the people that are closest to the recipient and mean the most to him, to feature someone that bluntly (but quite naturally in these circumstances) doesn't. It detracts from what the gift is, you'd be thinking it every time you saw it.

It's not something that should have to be vocalised, but it's just the truth.

Show quote history

Agree completely

DuchessDarty · 26/08/2022 23:31

But the recipient will also probably prefer to not have his daughter upset and want be guided by her @aSofaNearYou

To that end, you and others have misinterpreted what the OP said about the daughter (OP’s SD) sending one photo with or without and leaving it up to the OP to choose. No, the SD kind of did express a preference.

The OP asked the SD specifically for photos of the baby, “the new grandchild”. Not for children plural but child singular, plural, but the baby. The SD sent several of just the baby but also included the one of the brother holding the baby. If she was cool with him not being included, she probably would have followed the instruction to the letter and not included any of him at all.