Step grandchild

[Sar69]

Please help
why do I feel so guilty.
it’s my husbands 50th birthday soon and for a nice idea from all his grandkids I’ve asked parents to send pictures of the grandkids to me to have a drawn picture of all of them together. First time being together aswell.
my step daughter has just had a Baby 8 weeks old and she is the 50th dads daughter. She has also been in my life for 18 years .
And I love her to peices.
she has been with partner for two years and he has son from previous relationship and child is 5 years old .
In this time we have only ever seen him a handful of times so we really have no connection with him.
We don’t leave him out at Christmas , Easter or birthdays , we always buy for him as he is apart of my stepdaughter’s life,
but we don’t class him as a grandchild .
not to say we won’t later on in life but now not at the moment.
Come to picture of grandkids
I asked stepdaughter to send pictures of our new grandchild, even though she did send some of baby by himself
she had also sent a picture
of grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother .The one who I am asking about.
I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.
Am I being unreasonable to say this to her or should we have him added on aswell even though he is nothing to do with us
any advice will certainly be much appreciated.
Thanks

I wouldn’t include him in the drawn portrait, 2 years is a relatively new relationship. They could break up in the future and it would be a very strange reminder. At my sibling’s wedding our brother was best man and his girlfriend at the time was included in all of the group family photos, they’ve since broken up and it is very strange to have her in all the photos years later considering nobody has seen her now for almost decade!

However, maybe as well as the drawn portrait you could make a collage with all of the photos of the grandchildren you have been sent and include him in that so that he is still acknowledged as a part of the wider family.

I think you should include him. There is no harm at all and potentially some good.

Isn't it around 50% of couples who break up? Yet we still take photos.. strange argument imo.

Fucking hell. What difference does it make to have him in the photo. Horrible attitude.

I would just use the photo of the two children together. They are a blended family as is yours with your husband and step-children.

Will your husband/partner really be bothered if the little boy is on there too?

Another vote for including him. It doesn't hurt to do so and is the kind thing to do, he'll always be part of the baby's life as well so it will mean something in the future too.

It is really ghastly to even think not to include him. Awful

I’d include him definitely, just to keep the peace if nothing else. There’s no reason not to include him really.

Your very much loved step daughter is telling you that her baby's half brother is important to her. Include him in your family photo. He will always be her son's brother.

she had also sent a picture
of grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother .The one who I am asking about.

I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.

You did what??? You didn't have to say that at all you chose to. How awful of you, just read this again and think : grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother.

A picture of all of the grandchildren on the wall that excludes your step grandchild who is the brother of one of your grandchildren - what the hell is wrong with you? You shouldn't have thought twice about using that picture of both of them if you were any kind of decent human being.

Aw I’d include him. So what if they break up in the future? The fact that he will always be your grandchild’s half brother is a big deal and it would be sad not to acknowledge that. Also he could potentially be in your life forever and this will be a very hurtful reminder that you don’t consider him part of the family.

I don't see the harm in one of the pictures having the baby being held by their sibling? Especially if he's only in one picture I think its a nice token gesture for him to be included.

It really is ironic that a stepmother would think step-relatives somehow don’t count. At least the DSGC is a blood relative of his brother.

He is still the sibling of the grandchild and always will be - I say leave him in. Its very different to girlfriend/boyfriend situation or these days with divorce rates husbands and wives. I think its fine to stay in, you are already a blended family so where is the real harm. The harm that could be caused by leaving him out is far greater than that of leaving him in

He is part of family.
It would be horrible and extremely hurtful to leave him out.
I WAS that stepchild .
Step Grandparents wanted a “ Generation “ photo of four generations together-
I was not in the photo that was framed with pride.
These things are noted by stepchildren.

Another stepchild I know said “ There isn’t a single picture of me at dad’s- but tons of my half sibling.
Include the stepson.
Or scrap the “ Family “ pic altogether.

Thats true they usually look a bit naff

Your stepdaughter obviously sees him as part of the family. So should you. Being dismissive of him is cruel and will upset your stepdaughter. It's ironic. You obviously did a very good job in making your stepdaughter welcome in your life and building a real relationship with her.
Now she is trying to do as you did with her stepson. She is copying you and I imagine she is trusting you to be stepgran. Make sure the boy is in the picture.

YANBU at all. It doesn't sound like your step daughter was being pushy or assuming by sending one picture with both children along with the others, and it doesn't sound like you are being mean by considering whether or not to include step daughter's new partner's child (I hope I got that right!).

Can you have an open chat with DSD saying you are a bit thrown because you hadn't thought to include the older brother but now you are worried you would be excluding him? Or would that be a minefield? Otherwise the step grandchild holding his baby sibling could be lovely as it links the two together. If he does become a big part of your lives later it would be sad for him to be missing off this picture.

It's not obvious to me at all that that is how she feels

Just had to Google!
The ones with their backs to the viewer are awful-
Like the family are turning their backs on the viewer.
Not my cup of tea, as rather twee, but clearly some families love them.
Pet Portraits are another one- they too often look like they have been traced off a photo, rather than having “Life” put in as a loose sketch would do.

Op I'd include, if for no other reason it is less likely to cause hurt.

How would your DSD feel if you excluded her DSS? How does that reflect your feelings towards DSD?

The photo is a record of a moment in time. He is your DH's DSGC, and maybe in time the relationship will grow. Even if they split the DSGC will always be the DGCs sibling.

Please help
why do I feel so guilty.

Because you are deliberately missing out a child? Because you decided to message your stepdaughter to say you only wanted a pic of the new baby even though you already had some of the baby on its own so you really emphasised how unwanted he actually was in your project? Because the poor kid might be feeling pushed out by the new baby anyway because 5 really is still quite little, and you have enforced that even if he doesn’t know it yet?

I would include him. Even if you don’t feel close to him, he is your husbands grandchild’s sibling, and leaving him might cause upset.

You’re ‘rejecting’ her stepchild.
She’s your stepchild.
So she’s probably feeling the rejection too.

Quite. I am glad @Sar69 feels guilty, they should feel a whole lot worse than that imo.

Little wonder step parents and step grandparents get such a hard time on here when things like this are even contemplated let alone voiced and done.