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AIBU?

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Original poster

Step grandchild

203 replies

Sar69 · 23/08/2022 12:32

Please help
why do I feel so guilty.
it’s my husbands 50th birthday soon and for a nice idea from all his grandkids I’ve asked parents to send pictures of the grandkids to me to have a drawn picture of all of them together. First time being together aswell.
my step daughter has just had a Baby 8 weeks old and she is the 50th dads daughter. She has also been in my life for 18 years .
And I love her to peices.
she has been with partner for two years and he has son from previous relationship and child is 5 years old .
In this time we have only ever seen him a handful of times so we really have no connection with him.
We don’t leave him out at Christmas , Easter or birthdays , we always buy for him as he is apart of my stepdaughter’s life,
but we don’t class him as a grandchild .
not to say we won’t later on in life but now not at the moment.
Come to picture of grandkids
I asked stepdaughter to send pictures of our new grandchild, even though she did send some of baby by himself
she had also sent a picture
of grandchild second day being born being held by his big brother .The one who I am asking about.
I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.
Am I being unreasonable to say this to her or should we have him added on aswell even though he is nothing to do with us
any advice will certainly be much appreciated.
Thanks

OP posts:
Riverlee · 23/08/2022 13:43

What harm would there be in including the picture of the dc holding his baby brother? To be honest, omitting it would cause more damage than good in the long run, if stepdaughter notes the omission.

TimeAtTheBar · 23/08/2022 13:43

It’s a portrait of the OPs DH’s GRANDCHILDREN.

This child, as much as he should be classed as part of the family in some circumstances, is not actually a grandchild in any way.

There is no drama here.

Riverlee · 23/08/2022 13:44

Also, you’re already buy presents for him, so as far as he’s concerned, you’re his grandparents. He is part of your life already.

TimeAtTheBar · 23/08/2022 13:44

Unless the drip feed is that the child lives full time with OPs stepdaughter and she is taking on the role of mother.

Keroppi · 23/08/2022 13:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SpongeBob2022 · 23/08/2022 13:52

I'd probably just be honest with step daughter and say in a really nice way that you don't really know what the right thing to do is and it's got you worried and find out what her expectations are. But then go with them....so if she says she'd expect him included then he should be.

queenMab99 · 23/08/2022 13:59

You love your step daughter and she probably loves her stepson just as much, it would be mean not to include him, what harm could it do?

rookiemere · 23/08/2022 14:00

SpongeBob2022 · 23/08/2022 13:52

I'd probably just be honest with step daughter and say in a really nice way that you don't really know what the right thing to do is and it's got you worried and find out what her expectations are. But then go with them....so if she says she'd expect him included then he should be.

SD has already made it clear- in a very non confrontational way - what she wants, by sending a picture with both DCs in it.

OP you're in danger of turning this into a big thing when it doesn't need to be. Just use the photo that was sent, it's not like you're writing the boy into the will by doing it.

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 14:01

rookiemere · 23/08/2022 14:00

SD has already made it clear- in a very non confrontational way - what she wants, by sending a picture with both DCs in it.

OP you're in danger of turning this into a big thing when it doesn't need to be. Just use the photo that was sent, it's not like you're writing the boy into the will by doing it.

Show quote history

No she hasn't. That says to me "I'm not sure if you wanted SGC included or not so here's a photo of him with baby and here's some of just baby"

Justmuddlingalong · 23/08/2022 14:06

I presume you've been welcomed into your DH's family? Can you honestly not do the same for the little boy?

Okaaaay · 23/08/2022 14:07

Jeez, suck it up and include him. Why create an atmosphere. It’s a photo and you know the right thing to do.

RedHelenB · 23/08/2022 14:07

Justcallmebebes · 23/08/2022 12:36

To be honest, in these circumstances, I'd include him as I think it could cause upset if you don't

Or have 2 done, one with him and one without. ( obviously display the one with)

Onlyforcake · 23/08/2022 14:07

Hint. You don't love this child "too pieces" if you're not able to recognise the grandparent role extending to including the sibling. You're not interested in their life, just the 'look' of grandkids. They're a part of "your" grandchildren life. This is the reason why my husbands dad has barely ever seen his grandson, I'm not dragging my children to "family" events where they are made to feel "other". Funnily enough, other members of my husbands family (such as my husbands step dad have been entirely balanced and welcoming to all). If your son adopts this child will you change your mind? Or are you anti adoption too?

876starlight · 23/08/2022 14:10

I’m so confused. Is it the stepdaughters child or is she the step mum to that child? Someone make it clear for me pls, I’m slow😂

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2022 14:12

She hasn’t claimed to love him at all @Onlyforcake she barely knows him. She loves her step daughter who she’s known 18 years. Even her step daughter has only known the little boy 2 years.

Meraas · 23/08/2022 14:12

876starlight · 23/08/2022 14:10

I’m so confused. Is it the stepdaughters child or is she the step mum to that child? Someone make it clear for me pls, I’m slow😂

The step-daughter is step-mum to a step child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/08/2022 14:12

876starlight · 23/08/2022 14:10

I’m so confused. Is it the stepdaughters child or is she the step mum to that child? Someone make it clear for me pls, I’m slow😂

Step daughter has a baby and a 5 year old step son she’s known 2 years.

Maytodecember · 23/08/2022 14:14

I’d include him. He’s a child of the family and if there are several children in the picture, what’s one more?

Spohn · 23/08/2022 14:14

@Onlyforcake where does OP mention having a son? And why would the made up (by you) son adopt OPs stepdaughters boyfriends kid?

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 23/08/2022 14:17

I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.

You didn’t. You really didn’t have to say that at all.

What is the definition of a grandchild if not “a child that my child is parenting”?

Unless you’re running some purity of the blood cult?

Include the SDGS.

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 23/08/2022 14:18

RedHelenB · 23/08/2022 14:07

Or have 2 done, one with him and one without. ( obviously display the one with)

Show quote history

Why? Why be so petty of spirit?

Snugglemonkey · 23/08/2022 14:18

This is not even a question to me, of course he should be included!

SpongeBob2022 · 23/08/2022 14:21

This is how I would interpret it too....

Snugglemonkey · 23/08/2022 14:21

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 23/08/2022 14:17

I didn’t want to upset her but I did have to say it was only picture of baby we wanted.

You didn’t. You really didn’t have to say that at all.

What is the definition of a grandchild if not “a child that my child is parenting”?

Unless you’re running some purity of the blood cult?

Include the SDGS.

I thought that too. Saying was completely unnecessary and has already sent a horrible message.

BabyDreamers · 23/08/2022 14:22

No yanbu. They could split up next week and you would never see him again. While he will always be your grandchilds half sibling he will be nothing to you.

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