To think this is the best option for the dc?

[Danceswithduck]

DH and I are in the process of navigating separation.
He massively out earns me (£150k + vs £25k) and I have had time out when our dc were younger. I’m not as ambitious as him though and although I’d likely be earning more than I do now I’d never be earning anything like he does.
I’ve been the main caregiver. Youngest dc is 5. Eldest is 12.
Dh wants them three nights a week. I really don’t think it would suit them, they will hate the back and forth and they’d probably rather be staying in the family home all the time.

I’ve concluded the best thing is that they stay with DH all the time. I can get a one bed flat for about £500 a month. I’d have maybe £1k left for bills after but I wouldn’t need much for food. The car would be the biggest expense and I need it for work.
I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted to. It would mean more consistency for them, he can give them much more than me. I feel like it would quickly be normal for them and like I didn’t really exist?

My best friend says this is mad but I seriously think it is the least disruptive for them in many ways and with the costs of everything going up they will never have to worry about money with DH.
i don’t want them to have to split their time 3 nights / 4
nights - I know they will hate it. I know they will be happier in the house.
It makes my heart hurt but I think it’s the only solution here.
AIBU?

Of course removing a 5 year old from his primary caregiver is not the only option. Plenty of kids go between houses and learn to deal with it.

I find your suggestion completely mad tbh.

Yabu

Ummmm. I wouldn't commit to that just yet. I suspect your DC would be very upset if you have been their go-to parent and suddenly you're hardly there.

OTOH if you are splitting due to DH having an OW then that would undoubtedly upset the new love nest.

Seriously, talk to a solicitor before you make big decisions.

Are you alright? Genuine question.

It seems like there is more to this.

Do you think your children only want to see you once a week for dinner?

You'd have to pay maintenance. Have you factored that in?

It’s me instigating the split.
I’m not happy for a number of reasons.
However it feels selfish to do this when it’s going to impact on the dc quality of life so much that it seems fairer this way.
And fairer to DH who didn’t want to split.

No that is not a good option.

I honestly don't know how you can suggest this, maybe you just don't the reality of what you are proposing. I was without my children for 5 days a week at one point due to my health and it was absolutely horrific I spent all the time without them in bits.

Why does money always come first? It is possible for a family to be very happy with very little.

Not much maintenance though. And I’d be taking nothing financially from the split so I don’t know if DH would just leave it. He might. I wouldn’t be taking anything from the house or savings so it might equal out?

They will never forget you exist. They will struggle greatly if you cut down contact with them in this way, it will affect them forever.

You need a good lawyer. You should get to stay in the house as you are the main caregiver.

Are you married ?
You are entitled to financial support for the children.

I am absolutely gob smacked you think a child would benefit from tea one night a week ????

I can't help thinking there is an enormous amount more to this story.

I do advise you speak to a sols.

Why would you take nothing financially from a divorce when you’ve been earning a sixth of what your husband has been earning and doing the childcare for 10+ years?

He moves out of the family home and you and the dc stay put also unless he is a very hands on dad I'd be offering every other weekend and a mid week night/evening. Would he even be able to do the school run?
You do realise that in a divorce you will get atleast 50% of EVERYTHING and if you have the dc more than 50% of the time you will get more and cms from him

This is bs.. no judge would even allow this

It sounds like you think this option is being selfless and the best for everyone else. The children won't quickly forget you though and undoubtedly will feel abandoned by their mother. I think you should look at other, less extreme options.

You really need to speak to your GP, you sound so unhappy with life. Life can get better, honestly .

I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted to.

I honestly don’t see how it is “better” for the children to see either parent once once a week for 2 hrs. It wouldn’t benefit them to only see their father that little either but it seems completely insane to go from primary care giver to a 5 year old to an hour or 2 a week.
I’m really not seeing your logic here.

What would your DH do for childcare? Do you already have it in place?

At £150k+, I'm assuming his job carries responsibility and time.

Will he have time to care for the children, will his hours fit round school times?

I'm not sure you have thought this through.
Your children may well dislike splitting their time but I would bet they.would hate not seeing much of you more.

Married.
DH wont leave the house. Why should he?
it’s my choice to break up the marriage, it would be less selfish to just put up with being unhappy til the children are older, but I can’t.

I have much sympathy with your position tbh. I have considered it. It's because I can't bear dealing with ex and I do think the 50/50 ex is insisting on is disruptive and difficult for the kids, plus it means he can find ways of continued control.

I think yanbu because I suspect it is for real reasons that you're saying this and like someone else I wonder if you're ok but... I think you have to dig deep OP. Get a SHL and don't leave the family home. Prepare for a rough ride. You can do this and your kids need you.

It sounds like you feel guilty for the split so you're going to punish yourself. Please get some help to make a logical decision. Your DC need you both.