Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is the best option for the dc?

222 replies

Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 08:09

DH and I are in the process of navigating separation.
He massively out earns me (£150k + vs £25k) and I have had time out when our dc were younger. I’m not as ambitious as him though and although I’d likely be earning more than I do now I’d never be earning anything like he does.
I’ve been the main caregiver. Youngest dc is 5. Eldest is 12.
Dh wants them three nights a week. I really don’t think it would suit them, they will hate the back and forth and they’d probably rather be staying in the family home all the time.

I’ve concluded the best thing is that they stay with DH all the time. I can get a one bed flat for about £500 a month. I’d have maybe £1k left for bills after but I wouldn’t need much for food. The car would be the biggest expense and I need it for work.
I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted to. It would mean more consistency for them, he can give them much more than me. I feel like it would quickly be normal for them and like I didn’t really exist?

My best friend says this is mad but I seriously think it is the least disruptive for them in many ways and with the costs of everything going up they will never have to worry about money with DH.
i don’t want them to have to split their time 3 nights / 4
nights - I know they will hate it. I know they will be happier in the house.
It makes my heart hurt but I think it’s the only solution here.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 08:29

Id not take anything from the house / savings because they aren’t mine. DH earned them all. I’m hoping we’d avoid a solicitor then. I have consulted one but I know they won’t advise what I am now considering.
he could afford to pay for childcare. Our eldest wouldn’t need it and get to and from school on their own.

OP posts:
dmask · 22/08/2022 08:29

Why just once a week for dinner? Why can you do a week dinner and weekends? That’s what a lot of parents do.

Bellsbeachwaves · 22/08/2022 08:30

But he earned them by you being primary carer to the kids! The law sees your contribution as equal. You are entitled to half. At least. Perhaps more.

PoppyFleur · 22/08/2022 08:31

Please seek counselling, you sound so unhappy. Now is not the time to be making life changing decisions in your current frame of mind.

You are the most important person in your children’s life, they love you and wouldn’t want to just see you once a week.

You matter and your well being matters. Please seek some counselling.

thelittleapple · 22/08/2022 08:32

‘Id not take anything from the house / savings because they aren’t mine. DH earned them all.’

That’s not how it works. Don’t make your children pay for this misunderstanding.

ShoesShoesGloriousShoes · 22/08/2022 08:32

Please seek counselling, you sound so unhappy. Now is not the time to be making life changing decisions in your current frame of mind.
This. With bells on.

Original poster
Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 08:32

I couldn’t have them overnight because I am looking at bedsits / one bed flats. There will not be space.
it isn’t what I want, believe me.
it just seems fairest when I am choosing this split.

OP posts:
HipsterCoffeeShop · 22/08/2022 08:33

Don't do yourself out of a fair split because you feel guilty. The reasons for the split are irrelevant when it comes to your entitlement under the law. You're unhappy, you're allowed to leave. Don't punish yourself.

I think you need to see your GP. You sound really depressed.

Eastangular2000 · 22/08/2022 08:34

I suspect this is a reverse in some way but if not, it seems that this would be positive for the children as it would allow them the least disruption in terms of their living arrangement. I would suggest that you see them more than once a week for dinner though, as a PP said, some weekends and holidays would also be good.

Mintchervilpurslane · 22/08/2022 08:34

Op, you sound depressed and as if you are not thinking straight. Of course it won’t be good for your dc to only see you once a week. You need good legal advice and some rl support. Go and talk to a friend Flowers

Bellsbeachwaves · 22/08/2022 08:34

Pls get some therapy/counselling. You might not want to be married to your DH anymore but your kids still need you. I can completely see why you want to do it but I think your kids would prefer the ballache of going back and forth than not seeing you. I think you might regret it forever.

luxxlisbon · 22/08/2022 08:35

it just seems fairest when I am choosing this split.

You are allowed to chose to break up without choosing to remove yourself entirely from your children’s lives. I’ve no idea where you are getting the idea that whoever instigates the divorce must become a martyr.

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 08:35

No this would not be fair. Many many kids cope perfectly fine with having two homes. At least see if your kids settle into it before making this decision.

lunar1 · 22/08/2022 08:36

Your children would never get over this.

BadGranny · 22/08/2022 08:36

That’s fine until he moves on and your children become someone else’s step children. Then he and she have a child together. Think this through carefully.

fufflecake · 22/08/2022 08:36

Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 08:32

I couldn’t have them overnight because I am looking at bedsits / one bed flats. There will not be space.
it isn’t what I want, believe me.
it just seems fairest when I am choosing this split.

This is about what is best for the kids. That may not be "fairest" but you have to put them first.

LooneyToon · 22/08/2022 08:36

I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted

Really? This makes me feel so sad for them. This will have huge implications for their emotional wellbeing long-term. Can you not approach the council for a home for all of you? Will he really not move out?

Bellsbeachwaves · 22/08/2022 08:37

Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 08:32

I couldn’t have them overnight because I am looking at bedsits / one bed flats. There will not be space.
it isn’t what I want, believe me.
it just seems fairest when I am choosing this split.

You're looking at one bed flats because somehow you don't realise you have a right to be housed with the children from the family money. You don't get made homeless because you want a divorce. You might want a divorce for very good reason.

anotherpotoftea · 22/08/2022 08:37

You’re talking about abandoning your children, effectively. It will fuck them up for life, YABVU.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/08/2022 08:38

Well it's not a serious suggestion. You are trying to make some point here but if any of this is real, please don't let your children know you proposed this because it would cause massive anxiety.

Seemslikeaniceday · 22/08/2022 08:38

Have you considered the option of the Children staying in the same home and you & DH spending 3 & 4 nights in the main home and 4 & 3 nights in a shared flat - ideally 2 bedroom so you have your own space.

Starlightstarbright1 · 22/08/2022 08:38

Are you in an abusive relationship op.

If you took your entitlement from the house you would be able to buy something suitable.

SupposeItDoesnt · 22/08/2022 08:38

If you do this, your children will never get over this and never forgive you! It will be damaging them for life!

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 22/08/2022 08:39

dont feed the troll!

newbiename · 22/08/2022 08:39

You need to see a solicitor, do not walk away with nothing.
You would be actually depriving g your kids if money if you do that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread