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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is the best option for the dc?

222 replies

Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 08:09

DH and I are in the process of navigating separation.
He massively out earns me (£150k + vs £25k) and I have had time out when our dc were younger. I’m not as ambitious as him though and although I’d likely be earning more than I do now I’d never be earning anything like he does.
I’ve been the main caregiver. Youngest dc is 5. Eldest is 12.
Dh wants them three nights a week. I really don’t think it would suit them, they will hate the back and forth and they’d probably rather be staying in the family home all the time.

I’ve concluded the best thing is that they stay with DH all the time. I can get a one bed flat for about £500 a month. I’d have maybe £1k left for bills after but I wouldn’t need much for food. The car would be the biggest expense and I need it for work.
I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted to. It would mean more consistency for them, he can give them much more than me. I feel like it would quickly be normal for them and like I didn’t really exist?

My best friend says this is mad but I seriously think it is the least disruptive for them in many ways and with the costs of everything going up they will never have to worry about money with DH.
i don’t want them to have to split their time 3 nights / 4
nights - I know they will hate it. I know they will be happier in the house.
It makes my heart hurt but I think it’s the only solution here.
AIBU?

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/08/2022 09:37

No judge will sign off on this. Get some therapy for your feelings of guilt and go after a fair split of assets. You have every right to end a marriage you are unhappy in, and the consequences of that are laid down in the law - everyone ends up worse off. What you are suggesting is not fair on you and not fair on your DC.

Idrisistheman · 22/08/2022 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Agree...absolute fucking bonkers....

LondonWolf · 22/08/2022 09:37

Unless you have some kind of MH issue going on or your ex H is abusive, then I think you sound martyr-ish and self flagellating and I can't fathom how you think this would be best for your children. Leaving the marriage isn't selfish, cutting your role in your children's lives down to the bare minimum is. You have resources from your marriage and you share children, you can be fair and still take what you're entitled to and what you need to in order ti provide your children with two stable homes with each parent. You will hurt and damage your children doing it your way. It sounds like you care more about proving to others (and yourself) that you won't take anything from your ex. Is he a pig about money? Is that what this is? My ex used to call me a "money grabber" and spend fortunes on himself and the kids while leaving me out as "you haven't earned it". I still took what I needed for my children when we split though.

Taillighttoobright · 22/08/2022 09:38

Blackoutglasses · 22/08/2022 09:30

But it sounds like OP doesn’t want to be the main caregiver - and that’s ok.

OP I do think you would need more contact than dinner once a week but aside from that if this is what you want and need to do then do it.

Show quote history

The DCs’ abandonment issues will make for interesting reading if the Op does this, though.

Greenstar22 · 22/08/2022 09:39

Assuming your dh has a busy job if he's on that kind of money, so who will look after thr children and bring them up, a nanny? So the children lose you, have very little time with their father and effectively being brought up by a stranger, all to make you feel better about the split? Sorry op this is mad. You stay in the house or alternatively dh stays, you get a flat and on the days you have the dc he stays in your flat and the days he has them you stay in the flat. Can't you sell the family home, split any profit and both buy/rent somewhere smaller each? There has to be another option, your idea is crazy

BlossomsOnATree · 22/08/2022 09:39

Well I left my ex and took his money (and still do) - because it’s his responsibility to provide for his kids, whether he was dumped or not. We couldn’t keep the house because neither of us could have afforded it, but we sold it and both bought new smaller and cheaper flats.

If you want to be with your kids and they want that too, then stay as their primary carer (as you have been already, that would be the default) and get a good lawyer to set out an agreement where you get either the house or a good split of the proceeds, and a good maintenance agreement (he’s a high earner so that’s worth having) and negotiate a schedule of visits to him.

My ex said 50-50 for about 10 minutes until I pointed out to him he wasn’t even available to do school pickups and was frequently away because of his super important job (that I had to play second fiddle to). I lost loads of earnings because of him refusing to parent equally and I have a much closer relationship with my kids than him because he didn’t pull his weight. Damn right I’m taking what money I can get, especially as he can easily afford it.

Mine only said 50-50 because he didn’t like the idea of me somehow getting more than him of something, despite it being something he didn’t actually care about much and shirked up till that point. The reality is he skives off and rearranges his contact regularly, even though it’s less than 50-50. I’d predict a similar progression for yours. Get a lawyer - ask around for a good family lawyer who stands up for women.

Isthatyourname · 22/08/2022 09:40

It would look like you are just abandoning your family tbh (although not being your intention). Either way it is disruptive to them but completely removing the main caregiver from being the ‘main caregiver’ doesn’t sound like a helpful idea.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 22/08/2022 09:42

Wow you are hiding behind being fair to you DH at the cost of innocent children. Marriages end and it isn't fair for him to keep everything. His money is family money. You were the main carer for the children and you should be thinking of how you can both provide a stable home for your children and that would be by splitting assets. Your children will not thank you for abandoning them and your dh will not thank you for walking away with nothing but leaving him to pick up the pieces of your children's mental health. You are being incredibly selfish with your thought process

LadyRoughDiamond · 22/08/2022 09:42

You need to speak to a solicitor OP, your concept of what is fair or not seems very skewed and I don’t think you’re in the right frame of mind to make decisions over what is best for you and your children based on what you propose.

Pinkishpurple · 22/08/2022 09:43

Absolutely not a good idea. You'll remove the ground beneath their feet and shatter their world...you seem to think this will provide stability but actually as primary care giver this is the least stability! You seem to want to punnish yourself for not accepting an unhappy marriage to apportion all blame to yourself and take away the children as sentence for your crime. You will only punish the children seeing them once a week, i can see you having next to no relationship with them going forward, i can see them need counselling and support if you continue this mad plan. It is perfectly ok to end a marriage when you are unhappy. I remember year's ago a friend was desperately unhappy with her partner she used to say 'he's a nice man, so i can't split with him' and i used to say 'but he's not the nice man for you'. Eventually they split found other partners and are both so much happier. Are you depressed? Your language used seems very flat? I don't think you are in any state to make logical decisions right now, so please don't be hasty.

CliffsofMohair · 22/08/2022 09:44

thelittleapple · 22/08/2022 08:32

‘Id not take anything from the house / savings because they aren’t mine. DH earned them all.’

That’s not how it works. Don’t make your children pay for this misunderstanding.

absolutely. This is not the time to go out in a blaze of self sacrifice. There’s no moral penalty due here.

SammySueTwo · 22/08/2022 09:46

There was a recent thread on here saying 50:50 was awful for the children as evidenced by those who grew up by that arrangement and professionals.
the thread said children loathed having 2 homes and schlepping all their stuff around - it felt like they never had a real home.
The theme was that parents should try to
do what is best for the dc even if not for them.
OP is trying to achieve this.
Whilst I would think her suggestion is a bit extreme, I do see what she is trying to achieve and why. Posters on the thread I mentioned - wonder what they think?

Beautiful3 · 22/08/2022 09:47

It's good that you're thinking of the children. Stability is important. I do think you could have them every weekend though. It's important, you still see them regularly, otherwise they're going to be devastated.

Mariposista · 22/08/2022 09:48

This sounds so hard. Good for you thinking about the children’s stability rather than what you want. I hope you can find a solution you can all feel ok with

Forgotthebins · 22/08/2022 09:48

Please see a counsellor as well as a solicitor. What you are proposing would be very traumatic for your children. There are better ways of managing a divorce than this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/08/2022 09:48

No please don’t. This would be incredibly detrimental to your children. If you care about them, you will get a very good settlement and have them live the majority of the time with you.

Do you have any to talk to?

jobbr · 22/08/2022 09:49

OP you are being a mug.

And quite frankly, if you did this, a bad mother.

Midlifemusings · 22/08/2022 09:49

It is possible that it is better for your kids to live with DH as their primary residence. It is not possible that it is better for them for you to basically drop out of their lives, not exist, and see them maybe for dinner once a week. You can be a great and involved parent without being the primary residence parent but what you are proposing isn't in any way in their best interest.

WeepingSomnambulist · 22/08/2022 09:50

@Danceswithduck

None of this is right. None of it.

Stop for a minute. Dont make plans right now. Dont make decisions right now.

No judge, no decent person, would ever agree with what you're suggesting financially or for the children.

You're in a marriage. If that marriage is ending then the thing that comes first is what is best for the kids. That means a fair financial settlement so the children can have a good life with both their parents. You are not taking his money. It is family money, you are a family with joint children and a fair financial split to allow you to buy even a small 2 bed place is the minimum you should be wanting here.

Abandoning your children and going off to live in a bed sit in just not reasonable. The fact you're suggesting this as the nest option is shouting out that you need some help.

Put the split on hold just now. Speak to your husband about a trial separation whilst living in the same home so that you can go to therapy. Not to save the marriage, be clear on that, but to allow you to work through this guilt you are dragging because it is causing you to make terrible decisions.

Stay in the same home for now, but be apart. Get therapy to help you come to terms with how you feel and your decision to end the marriage and to help you feel able to take what you need to start a good life.

You dont need to have the kids going back and forth all the time. Weekends with them and some evenings will keep a meaningful relationship going if do you decide that your husband is the resident parent. But 50/50 can work well if you live close enough to each other so dont rule that out.

Please do consider speaking with your husband about staying in the same home for now while you all work through things. You sound like something is very wrong; like you may be depressed. This isnt the right time to move out and change your whole life.

LondonWolf · 22/08/2022 09:51

jobbr · 22/08/2022 09:49

OP you are being a mug.

And quite frankly, if you did this, a bad mother.

I'm inclined to agree.

Original poster
Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 09:54

He wouldn’t allow me to leave him and stay in the home.
He says if I’m going he wants his key back and I had best take everything I want to take because I won’t be allowed back in.
a judge won’t need to sign if off because I’m agreeing to it?

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 22/08/2022 09:54

Aww, how can you even think your children will be better off not living with their Mummy☹️ You’ve been main caregiver.

I’ve split up with my DD Dad who she still sees twice a week. No way in the world would I consider her base not being with me.

DragonflyNights · 22/08/2022 09:55

Pretty sure it’s about what’s right for the kids and whether your husband wants to split or not the priority should be to sort out how it best support the kids between you. If you don’t want to be an active parent anymore then don’t hide behind ‘fairness’ to your husband.

ChristmasSirens · 22/08/2022 09:55

Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 08:29

Id not take anything from the house / savings because they aren’t mine. DH earned them all. I’m hoping we’d avoid a solicitor then. I have consulted one but I know they won’t advise what I am now considering.
he could afford to pay for childcare. Our eldest wouldn’t need it and get to and from school on their own.

I’ve never said this before but @Danceswithduck - you need to Wake Up!

He earned the money whilst you were caring for the children. And when you break up, generally assets of the marriage are split 50:50. See a solicitor and work out what you are entitled to please.

Shakirasma · 22/08/2022 09:55

You need to sit down properly with a solicitor, but before you do that you need to see your GP.
Nothing about what you are suggesting regarding the kids, house or finances is rational. I dont believe you are well OP and you must get yourself treated before you make any big decisions.

I wish you and your children all the best, but please get help x

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