To think this is the best option for the dc?

[Danceswithduck]

DH and I are in the process of navigating separation.
He massively out earns me (£150k + vs £25k) and I have had time out when our dc were younger. I’m not as ambitious as him though and although I’d likely be earning more than I do now I’d never be earning anything like he does.
I’ve been the main caregiver. Youngest dc is 5. Eldest is 12.
Dh wants them three nights a week. I really don’t think it would suit them, they will hate the back and forth and they’d probably rather be staying in the family home all the time.

I’ve concluded the best thing is that they stay with DH all the time. I can get a one bed flat for about £500 a month. I’d have maybe £1k left for bills after but I wouldn’t need much for food. The car would be the biggest expense and I need it for work.
I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted to. It would mean more consistency for them, he can give them much more than me. I feel like it would quickly be normal for them and like I didn’t really exist?

My best friend says this is mad but I seriously think it is the least disruptive for them in many ways and with the costs of everything going up they will never have to worry about money with DH.
i don’t want them to have to split their time 3 nights / 4
nights - I know they will hate it. I know they will be happier in the house.
It makes my heart hurt but I think it’s the only solution here.
AIBU?

Children will never forge their mum exists. They will be faced with reminders of you constantly. Every time they watch a TV show or read a book about a character with parents. Every wholesome TV advert showing perfect families. Every day when they get dropped off and picked up from school and see peers hugging their Mums goodbye. Every Christmas, Mother’s Day, birthday when they’re sending and receiving cards and gifts. Every play date when they go to a peers house and the mum brings them a snack. It’s heartbreaking for a child to lose their mum, to wilfully leave them just because you think it’s easier for you than dealing with the separation like an adult and sorting out a fair and reasonable split will be devastating for them. They will never feel enough if they think you were happy to leave them and just see them one afternoon a week, they will constantly wonder why you didn’t love them enough to want to fight for them and try to see them. You’re their primary caregiver and you want to just walk away because you think it’ll be easier for them?

If you truly think they will be better without you I would question your mental headspace. Could you be depressed? I think it would be worth going to the GP, it sounds like you are not thinking clearly. Maybe a course of anti-depressants would help lift your mood and the brain fog and help you to get into a headspace where you can make decisions that are truly in the best interests of your children and not feeling like you have to choose the option that will cause the most pain and punishment to yourself. You can’t remove yourself from your children's lives to try and punish yourself for your decision to leave without punishing them too so you really do need to stop thinking of that as an option and think about what is best for them emotionally.

Also this! 👏

This is a wind up surely!

You can’t leave your children with a nasty fucker…

OP Your husband sounds charming doesn’t he, do you really want to leave your children to be raised by mostly him?
Contact IDAS/ Womens Aid. They can advise about your mental health and legal/ finances. They have seen it all. Including circumstances where men threaten women in the way he has threatened you. Don’t brush over that, I notice it wasn’t in the original post but it’s v important. Of course you would want to leave a man who says things like that!
Do not feel guilty for wanting to instigate a split. You need to see it as caring for yourself. You can’t care for your children if you don’t also prioritise your own mental health and well-being.
I instigated a split with the father of my children, it was one of the best choices I ever made. I cannot imagine how damaged we would all be if I hadn’t done it. My children are all older now, ie. Teens. They can’t imagine it either.
Me and their father were not suited at all and he has some serious character flaws (a bully, abusive, manipulative).

please get legal advice and counselling for this

i imagine there are a lot of reasons you are leaving and leaving your children with him is the worse thing to do

the savings and the house are as much yours but it is going to be a fight but one your children need you to do

You really think that it would be better for you as the children's primary care giver to leave them with their nasty fucker of a father because he has more money?? I promise there are more important things to kids than lots of money.

Stop now, he has done such a number on you that you believe you don't deserve anything. You deserve at least half of everything. You want to leave him because he is an abusive, nasty fucker. You are not to blame for the split, he is just making you feel that way - because he's a nasty abusive fucker,

You have been together for a long time if the eldest is 12, there really is no reason to believe you are not entitled to half of everything just because he earns more. You desperately need good legal advice and you need to fight for everything you are entitled to for your sake and for the sake of the kids. It sounds like he has taken all the fight out of you over the years, now is the time to start getting it back. Get legal advice and start getting all your ducks in a row - and stop rolling over and letting this fucker walk all over you. You can do this.

Sounds like you’re massively trying to punish yourself for wanting to leave. You’re allowed to want to break up. You are allowed to have a fair split and have the children with you even if it’s you ‘choosing’ to break up

Then you call the police if you feel that means you feel that he could be physically unsafe and get a good lawyer and fight for your children.
Why would you leave them with someone who even thinks he would be a nasty fucker.
More than likely your dc will get the blame for you not being there. For him not being in control.

Friends exh threatened her life. Threatened to burn the house down and told her what a nasty fucker he was.

She is now owns the house he paid for.

Divorce is just maths. It doesn’t matter why the marriage ended or who decided to end it or who earned what, who’s name is on what property, car, pension scheme or savings account in a long marriage with children it is all marital funds. Everything is assigned a worth. Then divide by 2. The starting point is 50/50. It can then go up and down by about 20% depending on the needs for each party.
What you get isn’t about what your husband will give you. It is about what the judge deems each party will need.

Joint custody neither party pays child maintenance. Children live with each family aren’t 3/4 days per week.
Children living with you if you are on a low wage will mean you could claim benefits.

Children move house all the time. If they know they are loved then they are resilient to everything. Removing yourself from their lives will not build resilience.It will damage them.

@Danceswithduck your husband only earned all that money because you did the childcare at no cost to him.

Value yourself and what you have contributed, you have picked up on his not valuing your contribution and internalised it. Get counselling now.

Is this your second thread? Or is it just a complete coincidence that someone else had this exact dilemma last week?
Anyway, to summarise - most people will think your 'solution' isn't really a solution. You're prioritising staying in the one house when that won't be the main priority for your DCs. You're sacrificing any type of relationship with your DCs and confusing money with stability and quality of life and love. As adults, your DCs may never forgive you.
Now that's out of the way. I'm really surprised that so many wannabe absent mothers come to MN. In RL, it's very rare for a mum to just opt of parenting when a marriage breaks down.

its not in your kids best interests for you just to give them up - it is in your kids best interest to have as much good quality time with BOTH parents as is workable and to be flexible and considerate of everyone's time and feelings

You should not be walking away with nothing, but you can discuss and agree with your H what is fair and workable so that the kids don't suffer a huge disparity. He needs to see that monee he pays to you is for them and not 'yours' tell him that you want to earn more and will do so, but that it can't be that it's feast in one home and famine in another?

Does no one read the earlier posts? The OP is getting treatment from her GP and is seriously depressed, she has told her GP she is suicidal and is starving herself! She has started numerous threads about her family life, mostly on 21 August and seriously needs more help than an internet group can give.

OP, this was an insane idea the last time you posted it, and it remains insane now.

What a pile of sexist shit @SunnyD44

How on earth is the OP’s husband going to look after his kids while working all hours? And how will the kids be better off without their primary carer, who has far more time to look after them.

OP - you need to get some help and and woman up, you are be scared of your husband, and to want to walk off without the dealing with the messiness of separation.

But if you do this you are abandoning your kids. This is not on. Separation is always messy, but your job is to get yourself and your kids the best deal.

In the kindest possible way - you need to get help and support to act like and adult and a parent and fight for what is best for them.

You are the primary carer and you have more time outside work than your husband. The court is not going to allow your husband to stay in the house and turf you into a bedsit. Don’t be stupid. Either you will sell the house and buy two cheaper places, or you and the kids will stay until they are 18, at which point it will be sold and split. You’d husband doesn’t need to ‘agree’ to this. The court will decide.

so

Pull all your joint financial info now, pensions, salaries, savings, mortgage. Go and see a solicitor. They will tell you how the money will be split.

your husband can ask for 3 nights a week, but given the age of your youngest, the history of care, and the difference in your working hours, the court is unlikely to agree it. What they will probably do is give you primary custody, with your husband paying maintenance with the proviso it can be reviewed as the kids get older. You will either stay in the house or sell and buy two new places.

in the unlikely event he did get 3 days a week it would probably not last 5 mins as the kids would be unhappy and he won’t be arsed.

Living with him full time is not in their best interests.

Get some help now - from a solicitor, your friends, family, women’s aid - to do what you need to do for your kids.

and no, of course you will not be able to wander in and out of each other’s houses once you are separated.

No.

This isn't putting their needs first and a court would never agree to it as I'm sure a judge would come to the conclusion that the OP is being coerced into giving up her children and home. The dh sounds like a bully and would likely change the goalposts in order to punish the op for leaving. Revoke her being able to see the children at all. He certainly wouldn't support her being a 'disney mum'. He doesn't sound like he is interested in putting his kids first at all.

Op, you must go through a solicitor for this. You will regret it for the rest of your kids' childhoods if you don't.

Please contact womens aid

Please see a solicitor and take a friend with you. Get some counseling and don’t leave your children, children need their mothers far more than they need money.

OP, you have raised the kids, you are entitled to as much of the money as your husband is.

If you are the primary caregiver then it’s best the children stay with you the majority of the time. Imagine the effect it will have on them long term that their mother pretty much walked away.
Would your husband have been able to earn such a salary if he did an equal share of child rearing duties.
Get a solicitor and get proper advice.

Op you really need to find some balls and fight for your children...l am sure it would DEVASTATE then for you to leave them, they would be scarred for life....give yourself a shake.

Stop being so passive, he is a nasty Man you want to leave (you have every right to want to leave for ANY REASON)

Do not desert your poor children. Go and see a solicitor. You are entitled to half of everything as a starting point.

No this is not a commendable option.
You are the primary carer giver to a 5 year old. PLENTY of families navigate 50/50 or 3/4 nights a week with children younger than 5.
You would be entitled to half the marital assets also if you are divorcing.
Please don't abandon your child.

Is that coercive? If your husbvand decided to leave you, would you happily let him wander in and out of your house when he wanted, removing whatever he liked?
I wouldn't. There's nothing coercive about that.

YABU. You are not thinking logically and you’re scared of your DP.

You need to see a GP (I think you might be depressed) and a solicitor.

In terms of the finances, work out how much you would have charged, minimum wage, for the hours of childcare you’ve done. Even on your logic (which doesn’t reflect the law) you should be taking at least that much out of the marriage.

How this normally works is that you sell the big house, you take an equal share of the equity at least (more if you’re housing the kids), you can then get a mortgage to add to that. You then agree contact and maintenance as well and the court TELLS your DH what he has to do. No court or judge will care that you’ve ended the marriage.

More important though, you cannot abandon your kids- they need you much more than their dickhead dad, big house, or stability- you’ve got to fight for them.