To think this is the best option for the dc?

[Danceswithduck]

DH and I are in the process of navigating separation.
He massively out earns me (£150k + vs £25k) and I have had time out when our dc were younger. I’m not as ambitious as him though and although I’d likely be earning more than I do now I’d never be earning anything like he does.
I’ve been the main caregiver. Youngest dc is 5. Eldest is 12.
Dh wants them three nights a week. I really don’t think it would suit them, they will hate the back and forth and they’d probably rather be staying in the family home all the time.

I’ve concluded the best thing is that they stay with DH all the time. I can get a one bed flat for about £500 a month. I’d have maybe £1k left for bills after but I wouldn’t need much for food. The car would be the biggest expense and I need it for work.
I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted to. It would mean more consistency for them, he can give them much more than me. I feel like it would quickly be normal for them and like I didn’t really exist?

My best friend says this is mad but I seriously think it is the least disruptive for them in many ways and with the costs of everything going up they will never have to worry about money with DH.
i don’t want them to have to split their time 3 nights / 4
nights - I know they will hate it. I know they will be happier in the house.
It makes my heart hurt but I think it’s the only solution here.
AIBU?

I’m scared of him though.
He said I’d see how much of a ’nasty fucker’ he can be.

YANBU

It’s so refreshing to see someone who put their children’s needs in front of their own.

Many people use the children as a weapon after a split and they’re always the ones to suffer worse because of it.

Can your DH work as much as he does if he’s looking after them full time though?
If not they may not be able to have the same lifestyle/ stay in the home.

I do think it’s best for the children to stay in their family home, especially if it’s a decent size and they don’t need to move schools etc.

I think a good solution would be if you move out and get a job that means you can pick the children up from school and give them their dinner, help with homework etc.

You could take them to the family home after school every day instead of paying maintenance and it means DH gets to still work FT and they get to stay in their home and see you much more often.

On the weekends you could share the days and be the Disney mum where you can just do fun things with them.

Of course this all depends on whether DH will go along with this.

I completely understand you think you are giving your children the better option financially but what mother actively gives up their children?

I can't get my head around that.

OP, you need a solicitor and a friend. Your children need, more than anything and more than ever, to know that both their parents love them. Your solution is setting them up for major emotional issues for the rest of their lives as they cope with being abandoned by their mummy. Don’t do that.

OP, on one of your numerous other threads you talk about being on max dose anti depressants, feeling suicidal - and having talked to your G P about this and being in such a poor state of mental health you can’t even cope with going on holiday. You are in no fit state to be negotiating a divorce settlement and no judge on earth would sanction your proposals. Please get some effective help - MN can’t support you through this.

He was able to earn the savings and pay for the house only because you have sacrificed your career by being a sahm & working part-time.
You are entitled to 50% for this very reason
Take it from someone who's been through it.
His earning potential/career prospects will be higher because you have done the bulk of the childcare
Please re-consider your options, otherwise you'll end up bitter & resentful further down the track &; you'll end up alone as the children will very v.confused

OP - you can be a nasty fucker too?

It doesn't matter who is leaving who. The fact is that in your eyes it's over. No one is guilty or innocent it's just something sad that has happened.

If you're married then all assets (including the house) are joint assets.

A judge would definitively award you more than a bedsit and seeing the kids one evening a week. So why are you accepting this?

Your salary is low because you are the primary carer and have had time out bringing the kids up. So you are financially invested in the house.

A 3 night/4 night pattern could work (assuming he will get some childcare in place as presumably he can't do school pick ups /drop offs etc) - that's what he suggested. Go for that?

You can’t leave three children with a man you're scared of, can you?

@Danceswithduck

I have read this thread and the others you currently have and it is obvious you need help with your mental health, you are in a really bad place and now is not the time to make life-changing decisions as your thought process is compromised.
You need to go back to your GP and tell them exactly what is going on. Are you still going on holiday? That sounds like a very bad idea.

OK but it's not just up to him? That's why there's a court system?

I do understand you're scared of him but you'll have to deal with him regardless. And it will be a lot fucking easier if you have your own assets.

Go to court. Get a fair deal. Just concentrate on that for now. He's bigging himself up to intimidate you but it's not reality. The courts have seen this a million times.

if you GENUINELY think this then you need to speak to someone, do you have some form of undelt with PND?

Oh lovely, this is so similar to how my mind worked when I was ill with depression except that I was convinced that if I killed myself, my dh and dc would be free to be happy without me in their way and dragging them down.

Your thinking is skewed. It’s logical but it’s not right. One of the most important things I ever learned is that our thoughts can lie.

please, please, please see a gp before you make any major decisions.

Your dh is indeed a nasty fucker, and no doubt getting away from him will improve your mental health, but you might need some medical support in the meantime to give you the strength and clear sightedness to do this right.

Don’t be afraid that getting anti depressants will be used against you as evidence of mental instability - if he tries that line a judge will see him for exactly what he is.

But voluntarily leaving your dc will be a very hard obstacle to overcome when you realise what a mistake it is. He is setting you up here - DO NOT WALK INTO THE TRAP.

It’s an awful situation but you have an army of MNetters to your back, here to support and advise you. You’re not alone in this. There are thousands who have been through similar, who can give you advice, support and a handhold.

you can do this.

Why should I be allowed to keep a key and come and go if I’m leaving him?

Because it’s half your house at minimum.

In a weird move for a mother that loves their children your preference is to essentially cause them life long trauma of abandonment by acting like a martyr. Who do you think is going to give you a pay on the back, certainly not your kids!

Who cares who leaves who. This doesn’t matter at all. What matters is the kids are taken care of physically and emotionally which will need YOU to get what you are legally entitled to in order to benefit them. So stop with the martyr crap and start working with a solicitor for goodness sakes. Until a legal distribution of assets occurs (and not some dodgy agreement by you to walk away with nothing) the house is half yours and so is the key. You can seperate and no need to even leave the house at all until finalised.

Sorry you are having these issues but I think you are depressed or hurt or something and it's making you want to abandon everything. But you can't do that. They need their mum. Money/house/stuff isn't as important as love.

Don't let guilt colour your judgement. This solution is crazy and you will regret it.

If this isn't just an excuse to abandon your children and you do just genuinely for whatever reason want to walk away with nothing financially, take your kids and go down the social housing route. Why you'd rather leave your children with a self proclaimed nasty fucker and live in a bedsit/shared house instead of just applying for a council house I have no idea.

The situation here is that the family should stay in the family home. And you get to the centre of it when you say you're scared of him.

Talk to a solicitor. The children will never forgive you if you abandon them and they will have a point.

Wtf

genuinely I only got as far as this.

Do you hate your children and only can stand to see them once per week because you won’t even get that. They will come to the conclusion after years of thinking that they must have done something wrong that you must have hated them.

It will impact their whole life. Stop with the pity party and start looking after your children otherwise they will spend their whole lives thinking that their mother, the one person who they thought was there for them must have really hated them.

if you are so big on consistency then why are you throwing a bomb into their lives.

Why aren’t you taking what you are entitled to from the divorce? You have earned it. 50% of everything is yours. Do you think your husband could be where he is today if he had to look after 2 children as well.

You sound depressed.
Might be a wild shot in the dark but what contraception are you on. Have you changed it recently.

Now you’re making sense op

He is abusive - this is abusive language. He has made you think that you have no rights and should bear all the guilt.

You need professional help, don’t sign anything

If he's abusive even more of a reason to see a solicitor. And contact Women's Aid.

This!

Irrelevant who instigated it, no bearing on the financial settlement

OP, I’ve joined specifically to comment on this post (longtime lurker). My mother did something similar when I was 10 and my sibling 7 as she thought it was for the best financially. Although almost 30 years ago and with far lower salaries (dad was sole earner, she was primary caregiver).
It honestly caused untold damage to me and my sibling, that we’re still working through today. it completely tore our imperfect but stable world apart. We mourned our mummy almost and fumbled through with major abandonment issues. We both have difficult relationships with both parents now. Dad because he didn’t deal well with the situation he was left in and mum because of the damage her absence caused to two small children.
honestly, please, please try to find another way around this. They need you more than you know. If you absolutely feel you have to follow through with this, please ensure you find top quality therapy for them now.

What makes you think in a divorce he has any say on who gets the house.
That is up to the Judge.

Friend’s Dh said if she went through with the divorce he wouldn’t give her a penny. He would burn the house down that he paid for rather than see her living in it and she would be on the streets and he would take the children. (They we’re over 18 at the time and were at university)

She is still living in the marital home which is in her sole name with a chunk of cash from when everything else was sold and he got to keep his business and a place to live
Friend was awarded 60% of everything even though she was the one instigating the divorce.

Telling you how nasty he can get doesn’t sound like someone who is blameless in this divorce.

What other little subtleties has he dropped in to conversations over the years to make you think you are so worthless.

If you go ahead with this madness then I wouldn’t expect that your children will be falling in line with your expectations.
I would say goodbye to the children as you will probably only see them a few times before they refuse to see you.

Your Dh could remarry and decide that he is going to leave out his dc in his will in favour of his new wife. (It has been known to happen) If anything then did happen to him your dc would be out on their ear and be in a childrens home or living with someone who they think hates them.

Of you love your children then at least fight for them. Consistency isn’t consistency if you yourself aren’t consistent.

Here we get to the truth of this. OP, I mean this as kindly as possible, but you are not in your right mind. You are entitled to end a marriage and still have a share in the assets - who ended it or why does not change that. You have put a lot into the marriage and the children, your labour has enabled your husband to rise to his high earning capacity. He does not get to keep it all just because you were unhappy.

You need to get a proper perspective on this, and stop listening to the nonsense your husband spouts. He sounds vicious and abusive. Get some help from a therapist, and see a solicitor - both should be able to reframe this situation for you.

As for your kids, they should not be left in sole care of someone who self-describes as a 'nasty fucker'. Why can you not see this?

Please get help.

Wow, even before taking into consideration the feelings of the children...

how can you be ok with this? How can you happily hand over your children and turn your back?

I'd walk through hot coals and fight off a pit of cobras before anyone would take my children from me.

As for your children, no, this is not best for them, one night a week at best with their Mum? Don't kid yourself, you will damage those children more than you can imagine if you do that.