To think this is the best option for the dc?

[Danceswithduck]

DH and I are in the process of navigating separation.
He massively out earns me (£150k + vs £25k) and I have had time out when our dc were younger. I’m not as ambitious as him though and although I’d likely be earning more than I do now I’d never be earning anything like he does.
I’ve been the main caregiver. Youngest dc is 5. Eldest is 12.
Dh wants them three nights a week. I really don’t think it would suit them, they will hate the back and forth and they’d probably rather be staying in the family home all the time.

I’ve concluded the best thing is that they stay with DH all the time. I can get a one bed flat for about £500 a month. I’d have maybe £1k left for bills after but I wouldn’t need much for food. The car would be the biggest expense and I need it for work.
I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted to. It would mean more consistency for them, he can give them much more than me. I feel like it would quickly be normal for them and like I didn’t really exist?

My best friend says this is mad but I seriously think it is the least disruptive for them in many ways and with the costs of everything going up they will never have to worry about money with DH.
i don’t want them to have to split their time 3 nights / 4
nights - I know they will hate it. I know they will be happier in the house.
It makes my heart hurt but I think it’s the only solution here.
AIBU?

I've seen this post repeatedly in the last couple of weeks, seems like the poster is just trying to justify her wanting to leave her children as no matter how many people tell her she shouldn't and the children will cope with a split the same thread pops up again a few days later phrased slightly differently.

Of course you have have them overnight. They can take your room and you can sleep in the sitting room. A lot of parents have to do this. They won’t care, they’ll just want to see you and at that age it will be an adventure. Then when you’re earning more you can look for a bigger place.

The house needs to be sold then.

Money is NOT the most important thing. There is no way your kids would cope worse with a 3/4 night split than seeing you once a week for dinner. Is it your dh you’re leaving or your kids? Because in your suggested scenario your kids will assume it’s them, be very careful.

You were a partnership. Your DH progressed in his career and had children because your career took a hit. You deserve at least some of the house and savings.

See a solicitor and listen to them.

Also maybe see your GP? You sound very low / resigned.

If this is true, which I highly doubt, you need counselling tout suite and on a practical level to stop being so ludicrous.

How do you think your high flying, high earning husband is going to find the time to meet the needs of two young children when their lives have been turned upside down?

How do you think your high flying, high earning husband could have got to that position if you hadn't been raising your (and by your I mean your and your husband's) children?

You need to give yourself a good shake.

You've posted about this recently?!

"A mum leaving her children behind"

Sorry OP, but it sounds like your guilt for splitting up the family is making you make bad decisions.

you are entitled to half the house and half the savings. He earned the money while you were at home caring for his children. I understand you feel guilty, but you also can’t stay where you’re not happy. Please do not shoot your self in the foot like this.

you are the childrens main care giver. You walking out and only seeing them briefly once a week will affect them far far more than them splitting their time between two houses. Either you need to stay in your current home with your children and your exdh move out. Or if you feel your DH won’t leave (and I do understand you feeling it should be you) you need to take enough from savings for a deposit and first months rent on a home suitable for your children. My dds friends mum walked out and only saw the kids occasionally for quite a while. I can tell you it was not the best option for the kids and it really badly affected them.

you need to try and get past your guilt and do what really is right. Good luck.

You are not thinking rationally. You need a counsellor and a good solicitor. If you don't take their advice your children will suffer for the rest of their lives as they struggle to deal with abandonment by their mother.

Don't do this, please.

Honestly, the fact you're even considering this makes me think you're not very well and need some mental health support.

It is not in your children's interests to lose their relationship with their mother, who is also primary carer. You might think it's giving them consistency but it will be experienced by them as abandonment.

Um, op, see a solicitor. It's more likely to be the other way round with where the two parents stay.

You are clearly in shock and not thinking straight at all, so just wait at the moment.

Myself and my ex were in a similar financial position (him £150k, me (then) £10k) and it's me (and our girls) who've stayed in the family house, and it's now my name on the deeds.

OP you're not thinking straight.

You're married which means everything is shared - all that I have a share with you.

I agree you need to see a GP now. It sounds like you want to punish yourself for not being happy in your marriage.

Is there a OM in this situation OP?

From the kids perspective, their main caregiver will be leaving them, unexpectedly. Your role will have to be outsourced to a paid stranger if your DH works a lot. They will feel do rejected if there's no room in your house for them.

However down or guilty you are feeling, this is not the way to go. Suggest you hire a really good lawyer and let them navigate the situation if you're struggling .

I’ve said the same if DP and I separate. He outearns me by a humongous amount. The only way I could afford to live is to go into a house share so allowing him to raise the children would make the most sense.

my main question to you would be would he be able to facilitate bring the main care giver and would you be able to cope with taking a huge step back?

Op this is a bonkers suggestion - so much so people are calling troll!

Don’t feel guilty about a fair financial split - you allowed him to earn the 150k by beating and raising HIS children

Bearing!!!! That was an unfortunate typo 😬

If one parent provides finances, and one childcare, then it is clearly family money, not 'theirs'. Joint money. The flip side would be like saying the children are only yours. Which would be bonkers.

I wonder, and this is speculation based on the submissive nature of the ops posts, that the reason for the split is possibly gas lighting/emotional abuse to the point that the op has completely forgotten her worth.

Counselling/solicitor/doctor op. Talk to people. As you are currently so far off the mark.

Are you ok op? You sound incredibly unhappy and desperate to leave a situation at any cost. I'd suggest you tread very carefully and avoid making any radical decisions about the children until you feel a bit more stable after the separation.
Whilst co-parenting can be tricky and difficult for the children, the sense of rejection that would come with your plan will be far worse and would stay with them for life. Being suddenly rejected by their primary caregiver (and they will see it like that and wonder if they are somehow at fault, no matter what you tell them) will stay with them for life.
If you have to leave them with your ex as resident parent then you need to come up with something much more robust than dinner once a week. They could spend weekends with you (yes even if it was snug and meant sleeping on an air mattress) and visit them several times a week in the family home. Like I say though, avoid anything permanent until you have taken advice from a solicitor and talked things through with a counsellor.

What you are suggesting here is going to do more harm to your children and cause more trauma than shared care with their father.

Honestly, they will feel abandoned by you. It will be very confusing for them. It will impact on them forever and their future relationships.

Please get some help, speak to someone and be there for your children, when they're lives are being turned upside down they need you most.

Just because you’re the one choosing to leave you don’t need to martyr yourself.

You are married. You are entitled to 50% of the wealth in your financial partnership (aka marriage).

You are the primary caregiver. Can your husband hold down his high-paying job and look after your young children well himself, 7 days a week? Emotionally and practically?

To be fair it's difficult to provide a decent home for children when you're living under a bridge

This reads as if you don’t like your children or caring for them, which might be the case. However walking away from the family like this will have practical and emotional implications for the children. Would your DH even be happy with such a setup?

This sounds very much like the detached thinking of depression talking.
Or at least rock bottom self-esteem where you are failing to recognise the contribution that you make to the household and your children's lives.

My salary and career have been hit heavily by family life (SAHM, DS is autistic and hates formal childcare, no family support). To financially replace my contributions to the household in 1:1 childcare for long hours, cleaning and other domestic jobs would be ££,£££. DH can randomly work long hours, go off on site, be on the other side of the world for two weeks because I am there and while my work is unpaid, it has value.

OP, you need to recognise your value. What you've facilitated your DH to earn/ achieve. What your emotional value is to your children.
We don't live in an equal society, but even access and financial agreements recognise the importance of the usually female primary care giver.

If your children remain with you, he is obliged to continue supporting them.

If you walk away and have the children once per week for tea, that will cause them harm. We live in a society where it's assumed that a mother is present and it is doubly hurtful for children that lose their maternal prescence.

OP, you need to address your mental wellbeing before doing anything like this to your family.

This is really sad OP. Surely you leaving the kids is not the only answer? I too agree this is not better for them at all and could seriously damage them emotionally

Your babies need you, you're their mum