To think this is the best option for the dc?

[Danceswithduck]

DH and I are in the process of navigating separation.
He massively out earns me (£150k + vs £25k) and I have had time out when our dc were younger. I’m not as ambitious as him though and although I’d likely be earning more than I do now I’d never be earning anything like he does.
I’ve been the main caregiver. Youngest dc is 5. Eldest is 12.
Dh wants them three nights a week. I really don’t think it would suit them, they will hate the back and forth and they’d probably rather be staying in the family home all the time.

I’ve concluded the best thing is that they stay with DH all the time. I can get a one bed flat for about £500 a month. I’d have maybe £1k left for bills after but I wouldn’t need much for food. The car would be the biggest expense and I need it for work.
I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted to. It would mean more consistency for them, he can give them much more than me. I feel like it would quickly be normal for them and like I didn’t really exist?

My best friend says this is mad but I seriously think it is the least disruptive for them in many ways and with the costs of everything going up they will never have to worry about money with DH.
i don’t want them to have to split their time 3 nights / 4
nights - I know they will hate it. I know they will be happier in the house.
It makes my heart hurt but I think it’s the only solution here.
AIBU?

To echo PP, I hope you're ok? This is a very stressful and upsetting time for you and I worry your OP about the children being better off only seeing you once a week is a sign of depression.

Your children need you OP. Seek proper professional advice on this. You need your kids and your kids need you. Please don't rush into any decision.

I’m with you on this.
For all reasons you mentioned I’ve chosen not to leave until DD herself sees divorce as a sensible option. I know it might take ages but I just live my life in my home until then.

Obviously this is possible becoz theres no hostility or abuse in my house.

Are you okay OP?

Not many mothers in the world would be comfortable with the idea of going from primary care giver to their children to relinquishing them completely and being okay with the idea that it would become "like I don't exist".

I'm really worried about you, please seek some urgent support. A break up must be really hard but you deserve to come out the other side of this and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

And again it sounds like you are going through a really hard time, but if you are scared of him do you really think it's fair to leave your children in his primary care.

Please contact Women's Aid, today. You need real, concrete advice. Do not make any custody/financial arrangements until you have robust help in place.

Please just remember that children need a hell of a lot more than just money to thrive. You're their primary caregiver. They need you more than you know. Good luck OP

Take the emotion and your guilt out of this OP:

If you are married then you get a share of the house and the savings. It doesn't matter who brought in the most, it doesn't matter who worked the most.
When you got married you entered into legal contract with your husband. And like legal contracts there is a get out clause/withdrawal option - in this case divorce.
Which is why there are courts of law, with judges set up to make sure you come out of this legally binding contract in a way that is fair to both parties.

Now think of your children:

It is in your children's best interests for:
Them to see each parent a fair amount (one dinner a week for the previously primary care giver is not sufficient)
Them to have room to stay in both parents houses, even if that means sharing rooms etc
For their primary caregiver to be able to afford to look after them

It sounds like life, or your DH or they way you were brought up has brainwashed you into a list of priorities that looks like this:
DH
Children
You

Where as now you priority list needs to look like this:
Children and you

Your DH has already made it very clear you are not on his list of priorities, so stop prioritising his wants and needs.

It doesn't matter who instigates the split up when you have the legal right to do so and the legal protection of a marriage to protect your assets.

And honestly, if he is saying what he is saying, and behaving how he is behaving, did you instigate the divorce or did you get so sick of his behaviour? Because if its the latter why are you blaming yourself anyway?

every divorce gets sign off from the judge and should include financial split what you are suggesting should be flagged as all kinds of wrong

I think in your posts there is a lot of him talking what you deserve and what is reasonable indicating I think a high level of control and abuse

The fact that you’re scared means it is coercive. I can understand where your logic is coming from and a lot of the incentive to go the way you’re proposing is to avoid confrontation and stress. I understand and sympathise with that but when you both married you made a contract and you are entitled to more financially. Please see what you’re entitled to and negotiate from there - it will impact your life. When it comes to dc I can understand your reasoning - on that point there isn’t a correct answer. Their needs should be put first.

@Danceswithduck Yes you are the one instigating the separation, but this does not mean you have to give up your whole life. Separation may be what you want, but you haven't just woken up one day and decided on a whim you don't want to be with your partner any more. There are reasons behind your decision, and most likely he has driven you to feel like this over many years. I know EXACTLY how you feel. It has held me back for years, feeling as if I have to punish myself, or take on all the negatives and let him off with everything scott free. All I want is to stay in the house with my boys and for H to leave, but I feel as if it's completely wrong of me to kick him out when he does not want this at all. No matter how much support I've had from my family, friends, even his family, I still feel like the most unreasonable person in the world. However, any solicitor will tell you, as the main caregiver, you stay. Do not leave your children and suffer in a bedsit, you do not have to do that. Please get some advice and be strong. I know it's hard. I still haven't done it. But you can do it.

Your suggestion of being the main care giver to seeing your DC once a week is just not a viable option.

It sounds like you may have mental health issues - please sort this out before making any big decisions.

Also, be very clear, half of your marital home is yours, it doesn't matter about how much he earns. He will also need to pay maintenance.

You need to see a solicitor when your mental health is strong enough.

I was thinking the same

If you did end up in a 1 bed flat, you should get a sturdy triple decker bunk bed so that all your kids can stay with you overnight. You are the primary caregiver and they would not recover from permanent separation from you.

I would not do this, take some time and get proper advice. What you are effectively suggesting is leaving your kids and choosing a situation where you can’t afford to accommodate them. You need to make a settlement where you can afford a house / flat where you can accommodate your kids 50% of the time. I think you sound desperate and should talk this through with someone impartial. Your kids will feel abandoned as you have been the primary cater

I feel as though you sound like someone who has been coerced/brainwashed. Get some good advice before you make any choices you can’t come back from.

Get a good solicitor. Get your fair share, don't let guilt drive you to such a terrible settlement.

OP you sound like you may be having a mental health crisis. Your other thread reads:

'I think I have an ED but it’s not to do with wanting to look thin, it’s to do with just wanting life to be over.
I keep thinking that eventually my body will just give up.
I am just so sad all the time and I’d sooner not be here. I am definitely underweight and my heart races too fast a lot of the time'

This is really worrying. Do you have anyone who can support you in real life? What does your GP say? You can call Samaritans 116 113. Please take care of yourself OP, you matter and your children love you.

Why won’t you be taking anything from the house or savings? They are a shared asset from the marriage, you have a right and an entitlement to a share of them.

I think it's best for them to stay with their mother, my mother died when my sister was young I am eighteen years older than her, I have always had to be there for her emotionally my dad was not good at that.
My sister loves our dad but we both feel she would have had a better life, if mum was still here. X

Have you got a new partner. ? X

I really feel you must be depressed or something to give up like this without a fight, your baby is only five and they will both feel abandoned.
You are entitled to half at least and you maybe entitled to live in the house for years.
Please do not give up on your children they will be emotionally scarred x

Don't worry about what is fair to your husband worry what is fair to your children, they need you. X

Are you ok op? Like 2orangey said it sounds like your dealing with a lot on your other thread and I hope you can speak to someone. MH can really play tricks on you and make you believe things that aren't true.