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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is the best option for the dc?

222 replies

Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 08:09

DH and I are in the process of navigating separation.
He massively out earns me (£150k + vs £25k) and I have had time out when our dc were younger. I’m not as ambitious as him though and although I’d likely be earning more than I do now I’d never be earning anything like he does.
I’ve been the main caregiver. Youngest dc is 5. Eldest is 12.
Dh wants them three nights a week. I really don’t think it would suit them, they will hate the back and forth and they’d probably rather be staying in the family home all the time.

I’ve concluded the best thing is that they stay with DH all the time. I can get a one bed flat for about £500 a month. I’d have maybe £1k left for bills after but I wouldn’t need much for food. The car would be the biggest expense and I need it for work.
I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted to. It would mean more consistency for them, he can give them much more than me. I feel like it would quickly be normal for them and like I didn’t really exist?

My best friend says this is mad but I seriously think it is the least disruptive for them in many ways and with the costs of everything going up they will never have to worry about money with DH.
i don’t want them to have to split their time 3 nights / 4
nights - I know they will hate it. I know they will be happier in the house.
It makes my heart hurt but I think it’s the only solution here.
AIBU?

OP posts:
SuperCamp · 22/08/2022 09:06

OP, you seem driven by guilt, and to have no confidence in the importance of your role.

Primary Care Giver is the cornerstone of your kids lives. He wouldn’t be able to care for them without employing someone else, or massively dropping his income. In which case he might as well use that income to support you to care for his kids.

If you do this your older ones will feel rejected and that you abandoned them and chose a life without them, it’s such a tricky age. Your youngest could well be traumatised.

Are you depressed? Has he been emotionally abusive and undermined your self esteem?

Everyone is allowed to end a relationship. It is always difficult for the children. But I don’t see this suggestion as being in their best interests at all.

Maymaymay · 22/08/2022 09:08

Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 08:32

I couldn’t have them overnight because I am looking at bedsits / one bed flats. There will not be space.
it isn’t what I want, believe me.
it just seems fairest when I am choosing this split.

Why are you punishing yourself so much? You are allowed to leave an unhappy marriage. If you earn 25k and have also been the primary care-giver it isn't all his is it? It sounds like there is something else going on as this doesn't make sense, where has the idea come from that leaving your children and walking away with nothing is a good idea?

medianewbie · 22/08/2022 09:08

My Mother did this. Left an unhappy marital home (for her there was another man involved). She felt such guilt she legally gave all her half of the family money & house to her exH. Kids ended up abandoned (left with exH) & 1 of them (long story) later with no family money either.
She taught us: you have no right to try to be happy in your life, if you do you must 'pay' (financially at least). We felt abandoned by her too. This dynamic went on for decades (continued by her).
I don't think you are a 'troll'. I think you feel guilty enough to make a decision that you think is best for your kids but actually may harm them lots. Stay in your current house with them. Make exH welcome there to visit of you must. This provides the best stability for them & a happy (er) main caregiver.

LAMPS1 · 22/08/2022 09:09

You are punishing yourself unnecessarily out of guilt for wanting to leave your marriage.
But you shouldn’t inflict this on yourself and certainly not on your innocent children if you can help it.

If you want to keep the children in their home then how about renting the one bed flat as you suggested but you and your husband find a way to take it in turns to be at home with the children so there is minimum disruption to them and they aren’t suffering the loss of a parent. If they are used to him being away at work all day then you can both largely carry on as normal with the use of the flat between you.
Could you make that work ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/08/2022 09:09

You’re in a big strop over him wanting shared care so are blackmailing him by saying fine you’ll barely see the kids at all.

You're having an affair and want a new kid free life.

You want loads of people telling you that you’ve a right to ditch your husband and take the kids and keep the house.

Not sure which.

HoppingPavlova · 22/08/2022 09:10

Any solicitor would tell you that you are being absolutely bonkers. Also, I imagine this would be traumatising for the kids with long lasting effects versus living between two houses which is what many kids do as their normal and are fine with.

nimski · 22/08/2022 09:11

This!!

AmIbeingTreasonable · 22/08/2022 09:11

If you do this you are setting your kids up for a lifetime of at least unhappiness, if not mental health issues, don't do it.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 22/08/2022 09:12

What kind of mother are you?

You don’t even want to get a place big enough to have them and you only want them one evening a week for tea?! Why even bother, just abandon them completely.

User354354 · 22/08/2022 09:14

This is either a reverse, or you have been absolutely brain washed by this man.

AldiLidlDeeDee · 22/08/2022 09:14

Your thinking is all screwed up and doesn’t really make sense and will definitely screw up your children if you go ahead with this bonkers plan.

You actually sound like you’re suffering from depression and probably should prioritise seeing your GP rather than leaving your family at this stage.

Don’t make any rash decisions until you’ve seen your GP and got help for your mental health issues.

Original poster
Danceswithduck · 22/08/2022 09:17

I’ve not posted before but I’d be interested to see the other thread? I wasn’t aware there had been one recently on a similar situation.

No, there’s no other man.

id not considered a house share. That could be even cheaper.
It’s the only way I can see to get out of this marriage. How would it be fair to take dh’s money, house and children when he’s not choosing to split?
The only fair solution is he just keeps it all.

OP posts:
Beachbreak2411 · 22/08/2022 09:22

This will ruin your children op. You are their mum! They need you more than 1 dinner a week. For a time I lost custody of my dd. I saw her once a week and she was so miserable. She changed completely. The guilt I felt was like nothing else. She was with family who are incredibly wealthy and wanted for nothing. Except her mum. After a year of fighting she came back where she belongs and is back to normal. Please don’t chose to do this to your children.

MrsWooster · 22/08/2022 09:22

He has only ‘earned’ the house and possessions because you facilitated this. You are equal partners in the marriage.
If there’s something going on for you that makes you feel you want or need to step away from the children, then address that because this financial ‘justification’ doesn’t ring true at the moment.

Familylawso1icitor · 22/08/2022 09:24

As a divorce lawyer, this is your guilt talking. Please get some therapy before making any major life shattering legal decisions that will break your children. And it will break them. Do not put your guilt at ending the marriage and making amends to your husband above your children’s future happiness. I would send you out of my office to a therapist if you came to see me. I would also say after 20+ years of seeing divorcing couples it is very rarely the fault of just one - there is always a back story and two sides to a narrative. So I very much doubt the level of guilt you feel is justified. Again, do not let your guilt placate your husband by throwing your children under the bus. You are married. You both have financial claims against each other. It’s not a prison sentence. You are entitled to separate and house yourself and the children from marital assets and income. If you must, give some assets back after the children are grown up and you are more financially dependent. But do not sacrifice your children.

also, children adapt very well to shared care. They just need a stable routine and time with both parents.

oviraptor21 · 22/08/2022 09:25

Assuming your DH is not abusive:

Get legal advice regarding the division of assets.

Get the divorce - stay in the house while this is happening. Do you have a spare room to sleep in? If not the sofa will have to do.

Get mediation where you calmly discuss child arrangements and the division of assets. You've been together at least 12(?) years - you should get at least 50:50, arguably more due to his greater earning power.

Get the financial order. Depending on the equity in the house this may have to be sold.

Do not any account go ahead with your plan of seeing them once a week for dinner. This will fuck them up forever.

mamatoTails · 22/08/2022 09:25

But they are your children as well! They would be devastated at you no longer being in the home, but to know they can't go and stay with you will be even worse for them!
Your home should always be their home too, they should always have a place with you, with both parents.

You and your husband should make sure you have a suitable, safe place to live, for you and the children. Their needs should come first, not his.

I'm sure they'd manage moving from one house to another, hundreds of kids do it. You are their mother, they will need you and want you.

Cantthinkofausername01 · 22/08/2022 09:25

Have you not posted about this twice before? ..........

JustCheckingItsYou · 22/08/2022 09:27

Totally a reverse

TeenyQueen · 22/08/2022 09:27

My DH are probably in a similar situation financially and have two dc. We're not divorcing and definitely not planning to, but no way would I walk away with nothing after supporting his career and business for years, looking after our dc and running our family home.

Perhaps it would make sense for dc to stay in the family home but I'd definitely want more contact time with them, so if I were you I'd get a big enough financial settlement to afford to buy a 2/3 bedroom house so dc could stay over.

Don't punish yourself and your children.

DappledOliveGroves · 22/08/2022 09:27

I can't see a Judge agreeing any consent order where you took nothing financially. My SIL and her husband divorced - no children, amicable divorce, and the Judge queried the fact that the husband was taking a smaller share of the assets and wanted to make sure he fully understood the implications. In that case the husband was a solicitor and there were valid reasons he was taking a smaller share of the assets. In your case, there is no valid reason so I can't see that what you're suggesting would be accepted by any Court.

Please go and get some legal advice.

Blackoutglasses · 22/08/2022 09:30

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 22/08/2022 08:20

You need a good lawyer. You should get to stay in the house as you are the main caregiver.

But it sounds like OP doesn’t want to be the main caregiver - and that’s ok.

OP I do think you would need more contact than dinner once a week but aside from that if this is what you want and need to do then do it.

georgarina · 22/08/2022 09:30

I'm sorry, I know you must be going through hell, but this 'poor me' act isn't just about you. It's going to hurt your kids.

Your kids don't want to see you suffering in a bedsit. They don't want to be torn apart from their primary caregiver. It will hurt THEM and teach them terrible life lessons.

You want to teach them women are worthless? That they will be abandoned? That you have no right to be happy and must stay with a man for your life to be secure?

That is what you will teach them if you insist on punishing yourself.

Prunel · 22/08/2022 09:32

Do you want out of motherhood and you’re trying to frame it as a positive for them to ease your guilt?

or are you just determined to Martyr and punish yourself?

or genuinely are you not ok right now? Is there more to this

i can’t think of any other reason besides these 3 that you would do this

emmathedilemma · 22/08/2022 09:36

Does he even have the capacity to have the kids full time? Most people who earn that sort of money work long hours and often travel for business, definitely not conducive to doing the primary school run twice a day and taking kids to after school activities in the early evening.