To think this is the best option for the dc?

[Danceswithduck]

DH and I are in the process of navigating separation.
He massively out earns me (£150k + vs £25k) and I have had time out when our dc were younger. I’m not as ambitious as him though and although I’d likely be earning more than I do now I’d never be earning anything like he does.
I’ve been the main caregiver. Youngest dc is 5. Eldest is 12.
Dh wants them three nights a week. I really don’t think it would suit them, they will hate the back and forth and they’d probably rather be staying in the family home all the time.

I’ve concluded the best thing is that they stay with DH all the time. I can get a one bed flat for about £500 a month. I’d have maybe £1k left for bills after but I wouldn’t need much for food. The car would be the biggest expense and I need it for work.
I’d just see the dc maybe once a week for dinner if they wanted to. It would mean more consistency for them, he can give them much more than me. I feel like it would quickly be normal for them and like I didn’t really exist?

My best friend says this is mad but I seriously think it is the least disruptive for them in many ways and with the costs of everything going up they will never have to worry about money with DH.
i don’t want them to have to split their time 3 nights / 4
nights - I know they will hate it. I know they will be happier in the house.
It makes my heart hurt but I think it’s the only solution here.
AIBU?

There is a lot to unpick here. I do sympathise: it would be virtually impossible for me to end my marriage because autistic DS would never cope with shuttling between 2 houses. However, your post (if genuine) is screaming "mental health crisis" to me. Depression can do weird things to your brain that make you think that a truly terrible solution is actually a great idea. (Suicide is an example of this). You seem to feel you deserve to be punished.

Marriages break up every day. It's sad, but its' rarely 100% one person's "fault" ime. Be kind to yourself either way.

Ok so he's coercive then. Has he always been this way. Mine said the same fwiw.

I'll give you the benefit of doubt that this is real but if it is, why do you keep saying it's DH's house/money/children???

He was able to work because you were/are the main carer. It is also your house, your money and your children.

It's irrelevant if you're the one that wants to split.
You aren't the first people to be in this situation and you won't be the last.

I'd suggest you get legal and MH advice and support.

Please don't do this. I know it's utterly overwhelming but one foot in front of the other...
You are entitled to half and your children will want to be with you more than anything. They don't care about separate bedrooms or things like that. You make them feel safe and that's all they want.
I planned on staying until my daughter was 18 - she was nine at the time. But I left - it took a whole year beofre I had some kind of settlement in place and I could leave. My ex wouldn't leave the house and so we sold it. Couldn't have been happier leaving him and every day I am so relieved I did it - for her more than anyone.
We moved into a small place and we were happy - just the two of us.
I think even moving your children into a one-bed, even for a few years, is better than letting them go.
Sending love to you.
You can do it. One day at a time, one foot into front of the other. You will gather your strength and you will find yourself again.
But don't give up your children xxx

I don’t think it’s coercive - it seems reasonable. Why should I be allowed to keep a key and come and go if I’m leaving him?

Imagine if a father suggested he leave and 'maybe see the kids one night per week for dinner'

Parent your kids FFS OP, they don't stop being your children just because you're going through a divorce. It reads like you want the easy route and to just disappear and live your life unencumbered, maybe see them socially once in a while, because it's 'better for them'. Is it, really? Or is it better for you?

As others have said, you need to discuss this with professionals before coming to a decision. Talk to a counsellor and get legal advice. You can still make your own decisions but at least make informed ones. Right now you are making an impulsive, emotionally triggered decision and that isn't good for anyone. You owe it to your kids to get a little distance and insight into the options and then decide from there.

That isn’t how it works. You are entitled to a share of all the assets.

This is starting to sound like there is more to this - how can you think that your only option is leaving your 5 year old? Does he control you in other ways? Do you have to ask him for permission to buy anything?

This is one of the saddest things I ve read on mumsnet. It makes me wonder whats gone on to make you so deeply unhappy that choosing this way out is an improvement.

I don t know what to suggest...

Is your husband abusive? Controlling? Unpleasant? If so... If thats whats making you want to leave, then (and I am sorry to say this) it is wrong to leave your kids there. If he makes you that unhappy, its likely he is affecting your kids too.

How about you both buy a one bed flat and you share the house and flat? That way the kids don t have to leave their home.

Please think hard about this. Your choices now are important. I would also go see a GP. A bit of SSRI might make you see things differently.

My thoughts are with you OP!

X-post. You can see OP that people are doubting of this is a real post because it sounds so mad. Is he abusive then? A good father would want to come to an agreement that’s fair for both parties and the children not act like it’s all his money when you’ve been raising the kids as a family unit.

If he is financially or otherwise abusive there are lots of people on here who have experience and can offer help and support. Just deciding to give up and impact your kids this way is not the answer.

The home is a marital asset. Doesn't matter whose name is on the mortgage or the deeds. It is yours as well as his.

He cannot throw you out. He cannot refuse you access.

I tried to be kind in my last post but you're not listening. Get your head out of the clouds, grow up, toughen up and sort this out like a grown up.

You're not a dog crawling off to the woods to die
This bedsit nonsense is utterly ridiculous.

You're a mother with assets and savings. They are yours as well as his.

Get therapy. Get a solicitor. Get a fair split so you can both provide a home for your kids and have equal time being involved, loving parents.

Right now, you are simply choosing to naval gaze and wallow and slink off to a bedsit and hardly see your kids.... why? What possible proper reason is there? Because you've explained it all and I still dont see a proper reason to do that to your children.

You have got to be kidding me, are you having a laugh? You're basically abandoning your kids? How on earth do you think that's in any way okay? Are you unwell? Do you have health issues? That's the only way this could possibly make sense? Oh my gosh, your poor kids - dinner MAYBE once a week - that's absolutely awful, there's no words

There certainly are parents that just walk away from their kids after a divorce and choose not to be in their lives or not be in their lives in a meaningful way. You can make that choice but don't pretend you would be doing it for the kids. It would damage the kids, not protect them.

Oh stop it. You know find well what's wrong here. Are you trying to get back up to show him or something? To show how unreasonable he's being? I hope that's it. There's a weird tone to your posts, not ringing true, so I am out.

OP, a financial order is part of the divorce. And yes, a judge will need to sign off on it. Until that has happened, your divorce will not be complete, you will still have rights to the marital home and your husband will still have obligations. The divorce courts prefer a 'clean break' - and that means a completed financial settlement. What you are proposing will be refused.

Are you even reading anything people are saying?

This has to be bullshit. Or you are really depressed and going through a mental health crisis. Because this is not normal.

OP has started three v. different threads in 24 hours. I'm taking this one with a huge pinch of salt too.

Hi OP,

It doesn't matter why the marriage has ended. It's a misconception that that affects what happens with custody and finances after a split. It seems like in your marriage and in your separation you are trying to cause least bother. But that isn't what's best for the children at all. Mine split their time about 70/30 between me and their dad and they are happy. They would be so upset if they stopped having that time with either of us.

Your husband may not want to leave the house but then he will have to buy you out. He doesn't get to decide what he will or won't accept. Please go and see a solicitor and know that you are not taking his money. It is joint money and you have a right to have enough to take care of your children.

This is a reverse imo. DH posing as DW to see how his arguments stack up

I doubt it. Read OPs other posts. She is not in a good place emotionally / mentally and not in a healthy marriage. This fits with her other posts.

Please get some proper legal advice from a solicitor.

You say he won't leave the house, well maybe he will have to. You are married, the house is a joint asset, it isn't relevant that you instigated the split. It may be possible for you to stay in the home with the kids and it is agreed the home is sold when the youngest child reaches 18.

I don't think your current proposal sounds in any way best for the kids!

1. This is not real.

1. If this was real, you're right. You clearly don't care about your children so it maybe IS best they stay with the parent who wants them.

Ridiculous.

Surely this is made up?

I've only read OP's posts.

You sound worn out and resigned, almost just going through the motions.
You and your children deserve to be happy. Please seek legal advice, things aren't as bad as you're seeing them.
It might be a long and awful process but it will be worth it.

‘He says if I’m going he wants his key back and I had best take everything I want to take because I won’t be allowed back in.’

He can say what he likes. If you don’t want this, go to court. Stop agreeing with him.