To ask my sister to not walk around our house in states of undress!

[JenGin]

My younger sister often stays with us for a few days at a time as she lives fairly far away and we like to spend time together and have always been a close knit family.

The last few times she's obviously getting more and more comfortable and has starting coming downstairs in the mornings and evenings wearing her, really quite skimpy, pj's. I guess they could be described as lacy hotpants and a crop top. She's now even go as far as strolling around in just her underwear after her shower!

I have no insecurities about my husband being interested in her or checking her out but for some reason I am finding it a bit uncomfortable. Am I being unfair to consider asking her to at least put on a dressing gown? The most I've said is along the lines of "aren't you a bit cold in just that?" but she obviously didn't see it as a hint and continues to do it.

Is it really too different to her being in a bikini when we're all at the beach or does it cross some sort of boundary? I know that if I did bring the topic up she'd laugh it off and tell me I'm being a prude and genuinely not understand what the problem is. Maybe it isn't a problem and it's something I need to get over? I just don't know.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. The kind of intimacy you might have as sisters is different to the intimacy you have in a wider context. I don't think it denotes an insecurity with your husband either that you aren't comfortable being totally the same with your sister alone as when the three of you are together. They are all different relationships. To put it in a very different non-sexual context, I have seen my parents naked and vice versa over the years, of course. That doesn't mean I'd be comfortable if they turned up semi naked with my partner there. I wouldn't think there was anything sexual about it if they did! But there are recognitions of different sorts of boundaries of familiarity and comfortableness that are drawn. The fact she is wandering around in this way makes me think she might view your husband is so familiar to her as she's known him for ages. She might be extending a kind of familial intimacy that you might have had when younger in your parents house for example and not be thinking about it. (I'm imagining here something like when you're all younger in your parents house sort of thing.) But in your own house it might feel different because you are no longer the informal ones altogether in your parents house and now have different more grownup relations with different boundaries and you want those more recognised. I think that is fair. But it needs a careful explanation to not offend her or make it sound like you don't trust her in some way. She might take offence thinking she's not being any different to how she's ever been and has no ill intentions. She might also be offended by an insinuation that she's being inappropriate in front of your husband. Which she probably isn't, particularly if she's not changed her behaviour in any way. So neither of you may be being unreasonable, but I'd think carefully about how to discuss it with her if you want it to change.

I normally judge these things on 'can a man do this without comment?' and the answer is no I think. If my BIL sat around in his undies in my house I'd think he's gone feckin mad. Just no - it's weird.

Id ask her to put a nightie on or a dressing gown. Im always telling my teenage son to put a pair of shorts over his boxers when wandering round the house.
Exceptions were given for heatwave and its not strictly enforced either but id be annoyed if a guest that didnt even live here was wandering around in their undies.

It's very disrespectful. She's making you uncomfortable in your own home - your husband isn't interested, but he's a man, and may feel that he's experiencing physical reactions he can't help and doesn't want, which is embarrassing for him.

Tell her to cover up or stay somewhere else.

And you are right about the "bikini" thing - she may not be showing any more flesh physically, but psychologically it is completely different - it is provocative.

She lacks social competence.

She may not be trying to 'nab' him. But she absolutely gets off on showing everyone and probably your husband, her body.

She's definitely enjoying herself.

Sound's like she's testing her powers of attractiveness and secretly wants your husband to desire her.

You could try demonstrating how inappropriate it is by the next time you stay with her & her husband cavorting in a peephole bra and crotchless knickers as though it's the most natural thing in the world. A few minutes after arriving, ask first if it OK to change into something comfortable (oh, and leave your husband at home).

Beat her at her own game.

Is her partner ok with her (not) dressing like this in other people’s houses?

By that logic it would be totally fine if she was walking around naked.

I do think it's a bit disrespectful to be honest.

Having visitors, no matter how close they are to you, changes the dynamic of the household and I think that would only be worsened by the visitor wandering around in their underwear. She's YOUR sister, not you DH's.

It's too much.

Nonsense. Would she wear skimpy clothes to work or to just go out to the shops? Would she be comfortable if your DH was walking around in just his briefs?

If it was just the two of you - fair enough. But your DH is around as well, and deserves to feel comfortable. The same way you or she wouldn't be comfortable with a half naked man wandering around your home (unless a romantic partner or blood relation) - your DH shouldn't have to tolerate it either. He may not say anything but no man should have to see the shape of his sister in laws ass cheeks or nipples, ffs.

Why do people have such a problem with nakedness.. we were all born naked ultimately! We all have a body, it's nothing to be ashamed about. I was raised by parents who were sometimes in 'a state of undress' as you put it 😂I am now the 'naked neighbour' I'm sure, and zero f*cks are given.. life's too short!!

Doesn't mean you have to put it all on show does it? I'm sure you put clothes on before going out even though we all have bodies?

Not in my house when I'm going for breakfast in the morning I don't (I live with my sister). That's why my perspective is like that. But to be fair, this is OP's house and sister not mine, and her own perspective. If my sister walked from the shower to her room in underwear I wouldn't even blink an eye, but it's normal here. Other people's houses may have different rules.

Also I wasn't really answering with her husband in mind as the initial post downplayed the husband, and neither my sister nor I have a husband - I'm not really into that sort of thing! ;)

@carrotsfortea I think you've hit the nail on the head. In her mind she's doing what she always does and feels that she's in a family environment and her BIL is an extension of that family. That's not to say it's appropriate and after reading the responses I am now certain it's not. I guess I already knew that but needed validation before bringing it up with her? It'll be fine, though. She may try and make me feel a little silly but it'll be a friendly conversation and I'll just ask her to wear normal pj's. Maybe I too need to cover up a bit more when she's staying so as not to appear hypocritical, even if I don't fully agree that just because I do it means that she can too in my own house.

Watching your parents in a state of undress is very different to anyone having to see their partner's sibling (who is not a blood relation) in a state of undress in their own home. The same way nakedness in public is different to nakedness on a nude beach. I'm not sure you'd like tradesman rocking up to your home in just briefs, or to have your boss rock up to work in her negligee. Context matters.

This is a tough one, as she isn't doing anything wrong, and if you say something it could make her think your husband had been paying too much attention, but it would irk me to be honest.

25! I thought you were going to say 14 tops. I thought we might excuse her innocence.

No. At 25 there's no innocence. She's putting her sexuality on display. She knows you won't want it. Who else is in the house? Stop being so gullible. Put a stop to this nonsense.

A thong? No ma’am. I don’t want your naked butt cheeks on my furniture, thanks.

This sort of reply is so disingenuous. You wouldn't walk round Asda in just your knickers would you? I'm assuming you wouldn't visit ya gran in just a thong? Like it or not society has norms/rules of what's acceptable and what isn't, why pretend otherwise? It's not body shaming, it's recognising appropriate behaviour in different contexts. If I went to a job interview wearing a ballgown it would be inappropriate - same with the OPs sister having her arse cheeks on full display in the OPs kitchen.

I know you know this, I just don't get why you want to pretend otherwise? It reeks of 'cough' cool-girl 😬

'FFS sis stop showing off and put a dressing gown on' should do it.

It would not surprise me if she was enjoying trying to attract your husband attention. I am not saying your sister would ever try to sleep with your husband but, some women do get a kick out of doing this.

It is disrespectful.

I think the world has gone mad.

Are we no longer allowed to say that men like looking at women? And it is natural for them to do so particularly if said woman is barely dressed?

So no, actually women do not have the right to walk around barely clad in the home of another woman when her husband/bf is present.

It’s quite frankly completely stupid to say that a normal, heterosexual male will a) not notice and b) not have some sexual thoughts/feelings. It’s called testosterone.

It’s also completely stupid to think a woman walking around like this has no idea she is being noticed. Yes she maybe completely comfortable with her body and yes she is unlikely to be looking to sleep with the husband, however part of the reason she likes wearing so little is because of the ego boost that comes from (subconsciously) knowing men do actually look at her twice.

I’m perfectly comfortable walking around with very little on, however I have enough respect for the people around me that I would not walk around as a showpiece.

Just to clarify, the thong and bra combo is very rare and it's not for extended periods of time. It's mainly her pj's which would be completely normal - it's just that she happens to wear revealing pj's!

That’s just normal pyjamas if it’s warm. I mean what do you wear?