To ask for your quotes from narcissistic mothers

[itsgoodtobehome]

Slightly tongue in cheek. My DM is a total narcissist which I'm mostly used to now, but every now and then she comes out with a new classic which makes even me wince.

So, next weekend, DM has invited me and DSis and our families for lunch to mark a family birthday. 9 of us in total, including kids. DM was telling me the other day what she was planning to serve for lunch. She mentioned a particular thing as a starter, which is quite an acquired taste. I know for a fact that my DDad and DH don't like it, and the 3 kids won't eat it. So basically 5 out of 9 guests don't like this dish. I told her this was a bit of a waste.
Her response: 'but I have planned this menu to look a certain way, and it won't look right if I don't make this dish'

So she is quite prepared to have most of her guests not eat something just so her menu 'looks good'. I give up. Has anyone else got batshit mothers who only think of themselves and nobody else?

Not my mum but my dads mum. Refuse to call her Nan because she's a nasty bitch in many ways.

She literally stopped me when I was about 15 and said 'you think you're so pretty don't you? But you're not and you never will be'.

Literally minding my own business. And actually I am not bad looking considering she looks like a wish version of Boris Johnson.

"Oh my god, that's all I need!"
"Fred (DF), you'll never guess what she done now!"

This was the reaction when I told her I'd started my period. I was 15.

I had actually started the month before but was too scared to tell her. My friend had given me some STs but I obviously needed more.

Late MIL like to be the centre of attention, it's all about me, me,me and when poor FIL had a terrible racking cough she complained that she couldn't sleep, never mind about poor FIL being uncomfortable and gasping for breath.

I think covert narcissists can be worse than overt ones.

Exactly my reaction ... 'I'd have given her a left hook' ... Aaargh!!!!

My biological father passed last year, unfortunately we were not very close. At the time his son from his relationship with his second wife was very poorly and awaiting a serious operation. We are very close. My mission was to stay strong till after my brother had his operation. Not the most healthly of things But I decided to deal with my dad’s passing after my brother was out of surgery. My narc mum decided this wasn't acceptable spent the whole day talking about my father said she needed someone to talk to (they had been divorced for nearly 40 years) went on and on all day. I begged her to stop and kept explaining why. She said at the end of the day; she was glad she got it off her chest! And I needed to be more aware of hers and my step dads feelings. I fell apart that evening. That, I suppose, was my wake-up moment.

I don't think it was truly narcissism but my Mum always told me to not make up stories when I mentioned my heart fluttering as a kid. Found out six months ago that I really do have a heart issue that causes palpitations and irregular heartbeat.

Perhaps, but perhaps trying to live within cultural expectations that you can't achieve because it's not in your nature or you were emotionally deprived yourself comes apart in this way for mothers and daughters particularly.

When I was 10 years old, my mother waited behind our front door armed with pair of scissors, grabbed me as I walked through and hacked off a huge chunk of my shoulder length hair - because of some ‘misdemeanour’ I was supposed to have committed and never found out what it was. I find the fact that she was armed and ready to attack me even more disturbing than had it just been a flash of temper.

I loved my late father deeply but looking back I realise how much he enabled her. He often used to tell me to ‘try not upset your mother’ or ‘please just do what she tells you to’ His way of dealing with her irrational and physical/emotional abuse was to leave the house and me alone with her viciousness. She used to then turn on me and accuse me of causing all the anger/ruining their marriage rather than her acknowledging that the issues were theirs, not a child of primary school age.

She was incredibly vain, believed she was drop dead gorgeous and expected to be constantly complimented but hated it if others’ good looks were discussed. She would invariably say how she wouldn’t want to look like XYZ and find some (imagined) tiny imperfection to criticise.

She told people she had special psychic abilities - she would tell fortunes which she literally made it up with generalities, but loads of people thought she was really good at it. It was complete rubbish and she got far more wrong than right, but she still had a huge willing audience who pandered to her need for admiration.

Theres a bitter irony that she eventually descended into Alzheimer’s - she had a Victorian morbid fear of anyone with MH - and died 2 years ago. I’ve never grieved and am now slowly peeling the years of abuse away like an onion skin.

Whilst this thread is shocking in revealing how commonplace NPD is, it has also become hugely and personally purgative as I struggled for years to try and unpick and understand her issues, often assuming her treatment of me was because I was somehow brought it upon myself. So many posts on here could have been written word for word by myself. Thank you all for being brave enough to open up and share your experiences.

Jeebus, that sounds like the real thing all right! Great you have managed to recognise it for what it was.

Hey @itsgoodtobehome

I’ve gone completely no contact with my narcissistic mother. Have not had contact since December 2021. It’s been tough but my life is so much better.

I honestly cannot just think of one thing that she used to say, there was always so many.

She did used to do similar food things to me growing up. She would make dishes and add ingredients she knew I hated then when I’d express how I felt I used to get “well I like it that way, stop being so ungrateful and dramatic” 🙄

I suspect my mother is top level narcissist, like actual NPD. She lives in a total fantasy land, quite literally. She won’t accept help though and I decided I couldn’t continue to be treated the way I was and walking on eggshells.

Her posting on Facebook joking about when I was raped aged 11 cemented my decision and she won’t ever have the chance to be in my life again!

When I was about 8 or 9 I had to have my head shaved. While I have my doubts, it's possible that it was needed. That's not the issue though.

It was the only time in my whole life when I was taken to a professional studio to have my picture taken. Not just that but I had to pose with my equally bald baby doll.

My mother constantly told us that she had only had kids so they could take care of her.
This was reinforced by my sisters and I doing all the housework and cooking as soon as we were old enough, while she told her friends we did nothing.
We were catering her dinner parties by the age of 13.
Even after she kicked us out of the house for not pandering to her delusions she expected us to spend all our time looking after her and doing her housework.
Just before I finally went no contact she told me that everything wrong in her life was my fault as I was jealous of her and that her diagnosed mental illness was my fault as well.
Despite this she still expected me to be at her beck and call, even leaving work just to pick up shopping or prescriptions.
When I went no contact she phoned my sister at work to tell her she was considering suicide because of what was going on but that she wouldn't really do that. Deeply upsetting my sister who asked her to stop but she refused and kept on talking about suicide and how she would never do that for nearly an hour before my sister could end the call. Basically trying to guilt my sister into getting me back as mums personal slave. My sister went no contact shortly after.
This is apparently my fault as well

I'm sorry, but I utterly disagree with your therapist. Those comments are DEF something that a narcissist would say.

I've got BPD resulting from trauma and my narcissistic DM, and would never dream of making comments such as these!

The suicide talk is a common one. Mine would threaten it if she didn't get her way and talk about all the different methods she was considering.

How awful @donkeymcdonkface.

Perhaps you could respond with 'we're so alike people think we're sisters!'

@ThreeImaginaryBoys love that!!!! Will give it a go next time :-)

My MIL…hard to pick one over the years of insanity. But my ‘fave’ was her telling my husband “I’m really surprised you’re a good dad, I didn’t think you would be” the first time coming to see her our first child, her grandson. DH so used to it I pointed out after that was an outrageous thing to say which he agreed and said it was most likely because she was jealous of how we seemed to have our shit together. True to form, she continues to struggle to praise us in anyway, only milder passive aggressive comments…”no wonder his hair won’t grow if he wears a hat so much” (about our cute little baldy 12 month old in the intense summer sunshine) …as if he’s some sort of photosynthesising plant that requires the sun to bloom his hair follicles…

@OrangeBlossomsinthesun @dragoncheeselady yes my Mum threatened suicide to my brother, said the GP had put her on suicide watch and that she had been told to ring up so he knew he was her next of kin. What she didn’t realise is if she genuinely was on suicide watch, it would’ve been followed up with a welfare call from somebody else to my brother to ensure he knew what was going on 🤦🏻‍♀️

Am nodding at lots of this (hadn't even considered the short hair and terrible clothes of my childhood!).

When I was still in contact with DM and we did some activities with my young DC (organised and paid for by me in a misguided attempt of happy families that went on for years and never reciprocated) my DM would always be really embarrassing at these things by say going to a kiddies activity and talking over the person doing it (think storyteller or person doing a science talk or even a volunteer in a museum). She'd cut in as they were explaining something. I.e ooo brass rubbing..when I was a girl we used to do brass rubbing blah blah blah (cue 3000 facts about this while volunteer trying to be polite steadily loses patience and other visitors get angry).
Kind of sad as she's one of the clever girls who never fulfilled her potential. But she's also very angry rather than proud that I have (never asks about my career. Doesn't even know what I do). One of the final straws for NC was when she started belittling my DD's achievements and DD got upset and was confused why.
In my more generous moments I feel really sad for all her unfulfiled potential and wasted life. She's full of jealousy and regret (my DF is a controlling twat too and that's not helped).

Yep. When I was offered a chance to move overseas I got the, “I might as well go and lay down on the railway tracks right now!”

For years she had everyone convinced she had a major heart condition - myself and my father included. She used it left, right and centre to get her own way, whether it was to get preferential service or get sympathy. She loved the fact that people would cluck around her and give her special attention. If I tried to stand up to her she would suddenly struggle to breathe and complain of a severe pain in her chest.

In her later years she agreed to a health and welfare POA. I don’t think she would have done it if she realised the implications, I think she just thought it absolved her of any personal responsibility and tie me even closer to her. Surprise, surprise, she never ever had a heart condition…

Every Xmas we went to my grannies looking at the pictures recently I noticed how awful my pudding basin hair cut was and how awful my clothes compared to my cousin's yet my parents had far more money and my mother was always the glamorous parent compared to my aunt's.

It's really quite wicked. I remember when I finally got a job and could afford pretty clothes one day I came home and found them all torn up and spread across my bedroom. She never said why

How could I have forgotten this one?

I had lost my job and been dumped in quick succession.

"You have as much luck with jobs as you do with men!"

On holiday with family, having got engaged a week before. At breakfast, discussing what type of wedding we were thinking of with my sister. DM sits down and says “oh god you’re not talking about weddings are you? Unless it’s a (certain extreme style) wedding we don’t want to hear about it. I hate weddings and I’m not wearing anything nice. I’m coming in my shorts and t shirt, so I’m comfortable”. “Are you going to bore us all week with weddings?”. Kinda rained on our parade.

or

To my husband, whilst laughing at her “joke”. “You’re just like that boring guy from the office, the one with the really dull voice”. Then when everyone looked shocked “oh ** sake, you lot need to lighten up, it was funny”.

or
When I had my first child and nearly died from a rare complication and then couldn’t get out of bed due to drains/ surgery/ blood loss… my MIL had to come over to help from another country as my DM was busy with gardening and various clubs/ going to pub and didn’t want to drive the 30 mins from hers to mine. She then came round one afternoon whilst MIL was here and asked me for a cup of tea, moaned about my traumatised husband being quiet and left a mess everywhere. She then talked non stop about herself to MIL and started asking them questions about their finances and bragging about hers. She charges us petrol money if she comes over to see the kids (sometimes she does look after them but she’s taken to asking for petrol money even if she just popping in).

or
when my DF got depression and she said after being asked if he was ok, as no one had heard back from him in a week…“what no one has asked is, if I’m ok, his illness has had a serious impact on my life and I am feeling * off by it all, ask him if you are so worried”.

or

when I was 11 and she started to tell me intimate details about why she was fed up with DF and she was thinking of having a divorce and I asked her not to tell me these kind of things. She told me I had to listen as she had no one else to talk to (shocker).

or

when my DS was in hospital aged 8 months and I wasn’t allowed in with him as I had covid and my husband didn’t. “God this is just all I need. It’s been such a stressful week. I cried for hours today” ( cue sobbing down the phone at me just after I said I needed to go to face time with doctor.

she’s quite spectacular really.

I actually never linked the hair and clothes thing but YES, I have very thick wavy hair and she used to make me cut it into a bob because it was "hard to manage" and she claimed I couldn't brush it properly.
I also had to wear my brothers old clothes, for example his winter coat, despite being a fairly well off family.
I wasn't really encouraged to look feminine or pretty but simultaneously berated for not being that way.