To think DH is being too harsh here?

[TheLostNights]

DD is 7. Baby of the family.
DH thinks she manipulates me. For example she gets upset if I can't take her to school even though I never really have done because of work. She will have a long crying fit the night before or in the morning meaning I am often running late for work. It's not because she dislikes the event or person sje is left with, she just wants me or DH.
DH says she should have grown out of this now and that I need to stop pandering to it. Aibu to say she is still a little girl and it's natural for her to do this?

YABU

The fact you are infantilising a 7 year old makes it clear up

Makes it clear your DH is correct about this

Sometimes when children do things like this there is something behind it - not necessarily something logical, but something that makes sense to them.

One of my children refused to go in the bathroom for a while and it turned out that they had interpreted the random pattern on the tiles as being something scary.

Has something happened with the other person who takes her to school? Perhaps she was ticked off for something?

Has he offered any ideas/solutions or is he just criticising you? What does he want you to do? He is her parent too, what is he going to do about it?

He says I need to stop pandering to it with all the hugs and that she needs to learn that unfortunately, we can't always be there to do the school drop offs and that we all have to do things we don't want to do at times. The other day, his sister came to drop DD off to kids camp and DD wouldn't come out of her room and was crying for us both. DH said it couldn't have been nice for his sister, where as I was more sympathetic towards DD. She is only 7.
He says he is going to talk to DD tonight again but says we as a couple need to start treating her more like a 7 year old rather than a toddler. I just found it harsh. She is as I said, still a little girl.

He’s right.

Team DH.

She's not a baby, she's a junior aged pupil. Stop treating her like a toddler, OP, it isn't good for her.

DH said it couldn't have been nice for his sister, where as I was more sympathetic towards DD. She is only 7.

I have a 7 year old DD and they do have big feelings in little bodies, but your DH is right here. You encouraged her to act up when her aunt was doing you a favour. It must have been very embarrassing for her and your DD is at an age where she's going to have to be taught to consider the feelings of other people. If you don't teach her that, she's going to find life very difficult very soon.

Is there an underlying issue eg she doesn’t get enough attention usually?

You aren’t being kind to her by enabling this emotional tsunami. Help her to experience the disappointment without needing to perform the sadness. She must get so tired and feel shame at not managing what is expected. Help her don’t reinforce the behaviour.

She isn't a 'little' girl

You are wanting to keep her one as she is your last child and seem to want to keep her a baby

She is 7 ffs

All children are different, some can be very sensitive with all sorts of worries and insecurities.

If she is 7 can you try and ask her to explain what is bothering her? It might be difficult but you will need to try and tease it out of her.

Yes, she might be a manipulative child, but you know her best. I say go with your instinct.

Reverse? The examples are just so obviously pandering?
If the OP is actually “OP’s” DH, good luck with the teenage years because unless you can encourage DD’s behaviour to stop now you are forging a self-absorbed, manipulative, petulant monster.

She gets a lot of attention. Especially from DH who works from home quite a bit at the moment. I just think he expects too much from her at times.

All the hugs? Yes he's right and yabu.

Too much sympathy and you just make the situation worse as you're reinforcing their belief that it's bad or unfair or sad.

I don't even do this with my 5 year old, let alone 7. Of course I sympathise massively (and try to distract) when needed - his friend has been mean, he's fallen over, his favourite toy has broken. These are 'sad' events, hugely important to them, I'm there to provide as much comfort as he needs.

But things that are just part of life and can't be changed - like holiday club, bed time, can't go xyz because school tomorrow, Auntie X taking you as mum and dad are working. Nah. Bright and breezy is the key and ignoring them if they tantrum over it.

Hugging and fawning over a 7 year old crying that her Auntie is picking her up? I'd say you need to knock that on the head now or you're going to have an absolute nightmare on your hands when she's an entitled teen!

This honestly sounds like the behaviour of a toddler.

My 3 year old nephew doesn't cry for mummy & daddy the way you've described, but he seems well socialised.

Part of you must get some emotional payoff from this behaviour - feeling needed in that mother role, wanting a "baby" to coddle, or you feel guilty for working & she is playing into that.

There is no need for kisses, cuddles & cajoling when they need to get out the door!

The more you pander to this nonsense the bigger you make this issue to be.

Your DH is right & at least one of you will help your daughter gain some much needed maturity.

I completely agree with your DH, she is 7 not a baby.

This!

A brisk “Off you go, see you later” every time will soon stop this. Team DH.

But that's all I do. Sympathise, talk to her and hug her to show I understand. I agree it goes on too long, it's just hard to reason with her at times. DH's method just seems more cold. Sometimes it also happens when she can't find her favourite shoes to wear which I agree is not not age appropriate but a lot of the time it's because she wants us to stay. We have rarely used help from family before or friends as work has allowed us to do drop offs and pick ups so because things have changed, I think she is reacting to that.

Yes, your DH has a point.

Stop feeding into her tantrums. She knows that everyone she has one, you will 'reward' her with a hug. She will end up being a spoilt brat and it will be your fault.

I am with dh
She sounds like she needs to grow up. She is 7. Not 3.
Her behaviour is bizarre for a 7yo but I guess you enable her so it won't stop...

every time*

So you are responding by fussing over her and dragging out goodbyes?

That is a problem, not her initial emotional response. She would calm and settle if you didn't feed the situation.

If that is what you are doing you need to stop and he is right to point out that your behaviour is inadvertently harmful.

She needs you to be breezy, pragmatic and get on with things. Her behaviour is not the issue, yours is.