To think DH is being too harsh here?

[TheLostNights]

DD is 7. Baby of the family.
DH thinks she manipulates me. For example she gets upset if I can't take her to school even though I never really have done because of work. She will have a long crying fit the night before or in the morning meaning I am often running late for work. It's not because she dislikes the event or person sje is left with, she just wants me or DH.
DH says she should have grown out of this now and that I need to stop pandering to it. Aibu to say she is still a little girl and it's natural for her to do this?

For example she gets upset if I can't take her to school even though I never really have done because of work.

We have rarely used help from family before or friends as work has allowed us to do drop offs and pick ups so because things have changed, I think she is reacting to that.

Come on op, stop backtracking, which is it?

I'm with your DH here. Obviously kids get worked up sometimes about small things, but massive crying fits that make you late for work, solely because she wants something she knows she can't have, is excessive.

She's absolutely acting like a toddler, and you are pandering to it and making it worse by validating it with hugs and sympathy. You say yourself that she's perfectly happy to do the activities or be in the company of people like her aunt, and presumably she manages all day at school without your presence. Presumably you have asked her why she wants you or DH all the time, and she doesn't have any reason other than 'I just want you there', so your DH is correct that she needs to learn that's not always reasonable.

I agree with DH.

Sorry, there are similar threads about toddlers with separation anxiety. This is not normal for 7yo and presumably not something you had with your older children.

Sorry I'm with your husband too and reading the replies from you OP, you're not listening and still protesting she's so little. She's not a baby, she's 7. She shouldn't be having massive crying fits because she can't get her own way.

We have a similar aged child in our family suffering from anxiety, particularly separation anxiety when away from their mother. No one has pandered to them, but it started when everything got back to normal again after Covid, they just couldn't cope. They have been in therapy, and are slowly getting better. Perhaps its worth a chat with teachers when she is back to see if they are seeing anything in school?
If it is genuine anxiety building up, then what she would see as withdrawn affection wouldn't help her to feel secure.

But you will feel that he expects too much because he feels you expect too little.

She will end up being 'that child', I'm sure you don't want that. Also, I think it was v disrespectful of you to have put your energy into your dds negative energy, when her aunt had kindly come to takeher to camp. If I was that aunt, I'd have thought fk it, and walked out the door.

Nobody has time for spoilt brats. Do something about it before it's too late. DD is playing you and annoying other family members. Clearly, you can see that this sort of behaviour is toddler-style?!

You are driving her behaviour and reinforcing it.

Change your behaviour and hers will change in time. Although it will take time because you have spent so long reinforcing it. That was your mistake and she is not to blame.

She doesn't need you to baby her, she needs you to step back and stop acting like she has a reason to be upset by "comforting" her over non-events.

Use your behaviour to reinforce that there's nothing to be upset about - by stopping the fussing and hugging and pleading.

The longer you continue like this the more you reinforce it and the harder it will be to change. Which is not fair on your daughter.

You don't need to reason with her

That's the key here

You can sympathise and then encourage her to move on

You sound like you want her to be the baby

@PseudonymPolly
“Bright and breezy is the key and ignoring them if they tantrum over it.”
☝️This.

OP, if “it’s hard to reason with her”, don’t! She’s deliberately pulling you into conversations and making you feel as if you have to reason with her - you don’t! This is classic pre-teen (and teen) manipulation - engage, engage, engage… because your attempts at explanations mean she’s getting more attention.
I see the end result of this a lot, even in older teens. “It’s a stupid rule”; “Why can’t I wear this?”; “Why do we have to…” They’re trying to engage in order to then manipulate.
Don’t let your DD become like this, otherwise you’ll be in touch constantly with her secondary school trying defend her actions as her “Just needing x”, or “Feeling a bit y.”

Indeed 🧐

OP, she isn’t acting in an age appropriate way and you’re very likely exacerbating that. It’s no exaggeration to say that in the situations you describe, my 3 year old could demonstrate more emotional maturity. You need to get behind your DH on this and stamp it out before it’s causing you bigger problems.

Your dh is completely right. I have a 6yo and I wouldn't even use the excuse that he is only 6. Keep speaking like that around her and she's going to manipulate you which she is already doing. She isn't a toddler and you are treating her as such. 7 is a big girl!

You ae giving her too much power.
Why are you late for work? You tell DD that you are going to work, give her a kiss goodbye and leave. Her crying is having the effect she wants i.e. keeping you at home. If you want to soften it say "I'm off to work but we'll do xyz together" when I get home. It's not a discussion point.

I meant DH was around more most mornings but now is not so much. She is reacting to that and I just want to be sympathetic to that as it's a change for her. I don't want to be a cold parent and she is wonderfully behaved at school and we hear nothing about this from them so she's not 'that child ' who everyone will speak about as she only does it at home. I know I asked the question so I accept the answers and viewpoints. Just hard when emotions come into play.

You are doing your child absolutely no favours. She's being babied to a ridiculous extent. She has to learn to deal with less than ideal situations and you are preventing her from doing that.

baby of the family
I assume that this means she has older siblings. Would they behave like this at 7? Unconsciously, are you treating her younger than her years?

I have 3 kids and sometimes I wonder if dc3 has been treated younger than dc1 and dc2 at the same age. I try and treat like a typical kid his age but he often seems less capable than his siblings at the same age.

It sounds like you might be making the behaviour worse. I wouldn't be surprised if a 7 year old had the occasional wobble but unless she's doing something wildly out of the normal like going to a new school then there's a risk that she's learning that crying gets lots of hugs and attention. I'm not suggesting that she can't have feelings or to talk about them but it can't be fun for her either.

My son isn't NT and would often be wobbly about going to school after half-term/holidays. It took until year 3 ish before he'd run in every day and not lay awake the night before.

If she can manage at school then the problem is most likely home related. You really do need to stop letting her manipulate you so easily. Do you really want to reinforce what she's already learning - that if you cry long enough you get what you want?
That's not going to set her up for healthy relationships in her future.

I am not sure this is about attention, but could be about anxiety; and as I said upthread sometimes children are anxious about something for no apparent logical reason - indeed the definition of anxiety is unfounded worry.

Is there something going on at home that makes her worry about being whisked away by someone else? Is there something she thinks will happen when she is not there? Has she seen something on TV that has sparked off a worry? Has she seen something about parents walking out? Or heard something from a friend?

I do agree with your OH that you will have to be firm and keep your sympathy as brief as is kind, but she is not necessarily being "naughty" and obstructive. When an adult posts on this site about their anxieties, we are all sympathetic and concerned, even though we know their fears are irrational - why should this be any different for a 7 year old?

I don't want to be a cold parent and she is wonderfully behaved at school and we hear nothing about this from them so she's not 'that child ' who everyone will speak about as she only does it at home.

If she doesn't do this away from home, and her father isn't pandering to her, he's right, it's definitely you. You're babying her and giving in to her. You need to treat her age-appropriately.

Yes because your behaviour is causing it.

Giving her what she needs by stopping your unhelpful behaviour would be the act of a loving parent, not a cold one. That's where you are fundamentally mistaken to class meeting her needs as "cold" . It's not, it's loving.

Does she find other changes to routine difficult? Could she maybe have some form of anxiety or even be ND?

Could you try a reward chart, e.g. if she goes to school calmly every day for a week then she gets a small treat at the weekend?

It doesn’t sound like there are ND/anxiety issues at play if the DD is completely fine with everyone but her mum.

She’s blatantly acting up to the attention.

Your DH is totally right. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill and encouraging this behaviour.

I would be somewhere between the two parents. Dh is quite cold, rarely emotional. I am very emotional. I find I’m the one to really show love to Ds but also discipline.
Im surprised the majority are so clearly more of your dh’s mindset.
I think 7 is still little! She has learned though that this gets attention, so I’d start lessening it but not overnight.