To think DH is being too harsh here?

[TheLostNights]

DD is 7. Baby of the family.
DH thinks she manipulates me. For example she gets upset if I can't take her to school even though I never really have done because of work. She will have a long crying fit the night before or in the morning meaning I am often running late for work. It's not because she dislikes the event or person sje is left with, she just wants me or DH.
DH says she should have grown out of this now and that I need to stop pandering to it. Aibu to say she is still a little girl and it's natural for her to do this?

Bright and breezy is definitely the way.

Walk to school, quick kiss, wave and walk away smiling.

I agree that your DH is probably right here.

You see this sort of thing in toddlers at nursery drop offs. And it’s why schools are often firm in setting boundaries anxious parents don’t want when children start reception.

The parents who pander go the clinging and screaming and such like at drop off are often the ones who find themselves dealing with it throughout the whole nursery period. The child’s behaviour and emotional state often flips like a switch as soon as the parents are gone too. The transition is much easier when the parents positively and authoritatively pass the child to the staff. For everyone involved.

The other issue is quite how rude you let your DD be to her aunt. It’s just not ok for a 7 year old to respond to a family member taking her to camp like that. You’d be much better to concentrate any talks on how her behaviour makes other people feel, rather than reinforcing the idea that she should be upset that you aren’t taking her.

She is not a tiny baby any more. You’re going to have to accept this and treat her in more developmentally appropriate ways.

Surely by joining in with the emotional acting up by your DD you are reinforcing the idea in her mind that being taken to school by someone else is something to be concerned about? A brisk and breezy approach from you would help her manage, is it last minute changes she finds difficult, if so get her to make a chart saying who is taking her to school and picking her up each day then she knows the plan. If she frets about not having the right shoes or similar have a designated place where she keeps them so when she gets in say “DD put your shoes in the box/ on the shelf/whatever because you’ll want them tomorrow” she’s 7 that’s more than old enough. From a purely practical point if you don’t get this sorted how are you going to get her to school? No one offering to help out with this is going to want to hang around listening to all the drama and then have to take an emotionally distraught child to school ( parents at the school gates are going to be thinking your DD’s aunt is doing something to her and want to report it). On the other hand if your DD behaves well for her aunt once they are out of the door then the dramatics are all for your benefit.

I very much work on the idea that as a parent you have to teach them to be the age they are not hold them back at the age they were.

It definitely sounds like you're babying her a little too much and DH appears to be suggesting it's time to not do so. It certainly sounds like she's playing you a little - you say she's fine in school etc - she's trying it on because she knows it's workers before.

My thoughts would be - is she getting enough of your individual attention at other times in the day/across the week? It could be her way of trying to grab that time with you and if she can grab time through tantrumming it’s better than nothing.

I understand what everyone is saying, and pretty much agree, but I think I'd just want to rule out anything serious - could anything have happened with her Aunt, or on the school run that has scared her?

I don't understand why you are having long conversations about it with her though, you tell her what is happening, if she says she's not happy about it then you need to tell her that it's what is happening and that she will spend time with you later doing X/Y/Z. My niece was treated like you treat your DD, she is 17 and is spoilt and entitled, still throwing tantrums when something happens she doesn't like. It's awful
.

Omg what is it with some SN being mentioned everytime someone behaves badly?? FFS.

I know someone who still says 'he's only 15'. The 'child" is a little horror and it's too late. Rude, speak to the parents anyhow, cannot cope with being told no and just awful to be around.

Mally100 - exactly, unfortunately by this stage the parents can't see it, they seem to be drawn in by the child and its almost like they are gaslighted by them. Everything revolves around them and the parents can't see this, there are always excuses. Its their 18th coming up and the drama is honestly embarrassing. 6 weeks notice for a get together so people are away/working/busy and the tantrum over how none of her family care about her etc is ridiculous. In no circumstances would I allow my DCs to behave in this way, even my DS who has additional needs.

Stop continuing to "reason with" and placate your daughter, and start putting down firm, compassionate boundaries. That is how your daughter learns to reason and to self-regulate.

She is completely manipulating the situation. She whines like a baby and she gets what she wants which is attention from you. Grow a backbone and treat her according to her age and she will soon cut out the bullshit. Your husband is dead right.

The thing is OP - what you are doing is obviously not working, so it's time to try something new.

How does DH deal with it & what new approach has he suggested?

If he is simply criticising without offering alternatives - ask him exactly that question.

You dont make yourself late for work for a start. You give her one hug then go

Yes he’s right.

DH just tells me that I am being manipulated by her. The other night, she was crying to me saying that she wanted me to take her to camp, it went on for hours and I was naturally concerned. DH said to her that it wasn't a possibility, that we wouldn't be able to, that other kids have childminders and other family members looking after them etc. He then told me to leave her be. She just seems so distraught and as a mother, it's so hard to deal with. She loves her aunt, just doesn't like it when she's there in place of us. Just feels hard seeing her in so much distress. She has always been an emotional child and I'm hoping she will just grow out of this.

Well that's not going to happen if you carry on the way you do. You are indulging her into behaving badly.

How will she grow out of it when you refuse to help her deal with these emotions properly?

You are seriously failing your DD and I'm not surprised your DH is annoyed with it

She won't just grow out of it if you keep rewarding her for it with hours of your time OP.
it went on for hours and I was naturally concerned

Of course it's hard seeing her in distress, but your job as her parent is to teach her resilience & self-sufficiency.

And YES she is manipulating you. You have taught her that it works. That doesn't make her a bad child or you a bad parent. But it does mean that DH is correct & you need to change your method.

What frustrates me about your posts op is that you aren't actually concerned with doing right by her. You are concerned with your emotions that you don't like seeing her upset. Frankly this is quite a selfish parenting response.

Ds at 6 went through this last year. I knew why , I knew the changes that he had been through. Thing is I hated seeing him upset so wanted to give him all the hugs etc etc. It is natural to feel like that but as parent she shouldn't be putting our feelings first.

If I had done that it would have made that phase three times as long. He was getting upset and if I had done the fluffy bit it would have confirmed there was something to be upset about. So I sucked it up and put my own feelings to one side. There were a lot of breezy " Come on kiddo we got this " with a quick squeeze. Ranging to a clear boundary. Anything else would have prolonged his distress.

His need to adapt and feel secure with a change and know that the adults had him covered was more important than me performance wailing or smothering him because I didn't like him being upset.

Ultimately you are making these incidents take longer with your pandering to it.

It comes to this is your need to baby her and show her your feelings more important than helping her through this stage in a way that causes least distress ?

Most of your posts have been about you and your feelings which is very telling

I just want to be sympathetic to that as it's a change for her

But that's just reinforcing the idea that change is a negative thing

Well your not helping the situation by hugging and responding to her the way you do. Its quite simple, as you know mummy works and i cant. No need to feed into the sobbing narrative, She is emotional as you haven't made any changes to your own response to her. She knows you work, she is old enough to understand that and you wont be taking her, You are the person that needs to change your response and you may find your DD will change hers. Sobbing and getting hysterical and it leading you to be late is ridiculous. I have a 7yr old and he doesn't sob and cry and isnt 'little'. I can have a conversation with him.

Op it is entirely normal that she prefers her parents to do stuff for her. As a stepmum i have had to grow a thick skin around this kind of stuff 😞.
But your daughter’s reaction and how long it goes on for us completely out of proportion. Your DH is right.

I think it must be really hard if you've been able to take her to school for a few years and now can't. I know I would have really hated that as a child and having worked in before and after school club I know some kids (older than yours too) that struggled with it. For some it's a breeze and for others it's really tough and just feels like a really long day.

If there's no other choice then the best thing you can do is to help her make it ok for her, there are lots of things that people do for separation anxiety that might help. A hanky with your perfume on it, or something else of yours to keep in her pocket and look after for you - obviously nothing that you don't mind possibly getting lost!! Taking something else that is comforting to her to childcare, a favourite soft toy. Or perhaps having a special toy that is only for when she goes to child care. Planning what you are going to do together when you get home from work - a lovely routine, perhaps reading her a bit of story, a game and having a snack together. You can then chat on positively about how you can't wait to do this with her, what you'll read, what's happening in the story, what game you're going to play etc any time that she starts getting anxious/upset - just make sure you always follow through of course. You need to stay positive and talk up the good stuff and that will hopefully help her be more positive about it.

I really wouldn't just 'leave her be'. Much better to try distracting her with a game or a story. I really wouldn't get annoyed or angry with her that will just make her more upset, lower her self esteem and/or make her feel she has to keep her emotions to herself.

You need to help her look for the positives IMO - you might not be able to take her to camp tomorrow but you can play a fun game with her right now! If she isn't interested in anything you suggest THEN you can 'leave her to it' by saying 'well if you change your mind I'll be downstairs doing x'. As soon as you gently walk away you might then find she suddenly is up for that game.