To think DH is being too harsh here?

[TheLostNights]

DD is 7. Baby of the family.
DH thinks she manipulates me. For example she gets upset if I can't take her to school even though I never really have done because of work. She will have a long crying fit the night before or in the morning meaning I am often running late for work. It's not because she dislikes the event or person sje is left with, she just wants me or DH.
DH says she should have grown out of this now and that I need to stop pandering to it. Aibu to say she is still a little girl and it's natural for her to do this?

7 isn’t a little girl? Now I’ve heard everything! 7 is really very little still.

I think though the important thing is to try to see what is behind it, and deal with that, so that she feels more secure. The only time children tend to behave in this way is when something is making them feel insecure. Friendship issues or something? Or the fact he had no sympathy with her?

Yes, children can understand these things by the time they are 7 or so but doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings that she might not necessarily understand.

@TheLostNights
”it isn't easy seeing your child so sad.”
Good Lord, OP; she’s not sad - she’s got you wrapped around her little finger and she’s playacting to get her way.
Which is working.
Which your DH sees, but you, for some unfathomable reason, do not.

Also, SEN or not, a child who is unable to self-regulate needs a trusted adult to help co-regulate them until they learn coping skills themselves.

You don’t teach someone to be “resilient” by abandoning them when they are distressed, or by “distracting” or “being firm.”

This!

Im not saying it’s “normal” or desirable behaviour, but there’ll be a reason that needs to be dealt with, not just manipulating Mum for shits and giggles. A 7 yo wouldn’t normally want to be seen crying, for example, unless it was something really bad - they like to appear grown up even when they aren’t.

Find the reason and you can solve the problem. Just “being firm” won’t help her to become and emotionally secure adult.

DH is right. I'd be embarrassed at that kind of behaviour at her age, barring special needs. It's the sort of thing they do when they're 3 or 4 but not at 7! You're doing her no favours babying her like that.

don’t forget that it’s also your job as a parent to teach her resilience. If she starts harping on about taking her to holiday club, a breezy “I wish I would could too, but I can’t. We have Saturday together though - shall we plan some lovely things?” And use that to change the subject. Don’t get drawn in to the drama cycles because it’s only feeding it.

I teach 15 year olds who will turn on the tears to get their own way! I’ve taught 11 year olds who will turn on the tears to get their own way! And 18 year olds! It has ever been thus.
Sometimes there’s no digging to do, and if the DC is fine in all other areas of her life then she can be fine being ignored instead of making her mother late to work and wrapping her parents around what she has decided are her needs.

“She needs you to be breezy, pragmatic and get on with things. Her behaviour is not the issue, yours is.”

This ^

I think you need to watch a few episodes of those nanny programmes op - any will do - they’re all the same - tantrummy ‘difficult’ kid suddenly becomes an angel when the parents actually stop reacting emotionally and decide to parent deliberately and rationally.

By just feeling sad for her, you are not actually helping her. Your DH is right.

Op please reframe your thinking here for DDs sake. She isn't sad or distressed. She is tantruming. Stop looking at it as if she's sad and needs comforting. What she needs now is boundaries and discipline. She knows you and her dad can't take her that's the end of the discussion. She's 7 she knows what's what in regards to the school run so going over it every night isn't on.

Your DH is right. Evidently she has no problems or crying fits at school, so she is wrapping you round her little finger.
Stop enabling this silliness before you finish up with a manipulative and very unpleasant teenager.

@Blossomtoes sorry should read boomers kids. And yes a lot of the 70/80's kids suffered under tough parenting and being expected to suppress their feelings. I still feel uncomfortable crying as it's associated with being 'a baby' the child isn't wining, if she's sad her mum isn't taking her to school , her mum taking her to school would be 'giving in' her mum empathising with her emotions but still havin reasonable expectations won't make her soft it will role model being an empathetic person. Clearly something some of the posters on here missed. Which actually explains their responses.

Or mum is her safe place to show her feelings

You need to remove her audience, @TheLostNights. If you aren’t there, looking worried and trying to placate her, she won’t have any reason to carry on.

@SnooozyTree has given you some excellent advice, based on her experience.

I would also suggest putting in place positive reinforcement for the behaviour you want - sit her down and tell her she is getting too old to have tantrums/crying fits over such minor things as her (presumably loving) auntie taking her to camp. Tell her that every time she gets past these things without making a fuss, you will put a star on her star chart, and X number of stars will mean a treat. But if she has a tantrum/crying fit unnecessarily, and doesn’t stop herself when you give her a warning, you’ll take a star off.

When she displays the behaviour you want, as well as the star, she gets lots of praise, but if she starts crying and won’t stop, you leave her to it - as I said, take away the audience.

Positive reinforcement is actually a great idea to encourage behaviours you want such as a reward chart, make sure it's achievable and then increase expectations gradually. Also agree be careful your not projecting your fears/concerns on to dd.

It sounds like you and dh have different parenting methods you need to find some compromise. It also seems like he is getting overwhelmed when dd gets upset probably because he feels frustrated he can't control the situation. I would do some research on your parenting methods and talk to him about why you parent the way you do and see if you can get on the same page.

you seem to have missed that OP doesn't have reasonable expectations. Trying to console her daughter to the point that she's regularly late for work, is ridiculous.

Saying "yes I'm sad I can't take you to school today, but we'll go to the playground later, now give me a kiss good bye" ... and then going to work, is being empathetic and age appropriate without molly coddling.

Also agree be careful your not projecting your fears/concerns on to dd

I suggest you take your own advice and stop projecting on this thread as this is EXACTLY what you are doing

But @Blossomtoes , the mum here hasn’t got reasonable expectations.
She’s letting her 7 year old make her late for work!
There is empathy (and a lot of what you said about 70s parenting did resonate), and then there’s overly permissive, liberal drama - which is what OP is allowing her DD to orchestrate.

She is not the baby of the family, she is the youngest of the family. She should be treated age appropriately. You wouldn't say a 10 year old was the grown up one of the family and expect them to behave as such

I actually don’t think her behaviour is particularly strange. Quite full on maybe but I think it’s really hard for a lot of children whose parents are working full time and need to put them into lots of summer camps for childcare. Imagine it yourself - term time life is nice and familiar (and she may well be missing you anyway as you’re working if you can’t do school runs much or she’s in after school clubs etc) - then a series of unfamiliar places and new people to get used to. 7 is still so little and if she’s emotional or sensitive or even just normal I think it’s a lot to manage. There may well be nothing you can do it as you need to work but it sounds like she needs the extra cuddles and reassurance from you. Her dad just doesn’t want to listen but these are her feelings

You’ve tagged the wrong poster! 😉

I’m the parent of someone who’s Gen X @autienotnaughty. He was brought up in much the same way as most kids were then, he cries at the drop of a hat because he was allowed to be in touch with his emotions. What he wasn’t allowed to do was emotionally blackmail me - which is what’s going on here.

Sorry, @Blossomtoes - tagging the wrong poster is my absolute specialty! X

No problem @drawacircleroundit, I do it too. 😂

My DD went through a period of being extremely anxious when she was 7 & it was down to the fact she had gone through her first proper bereavement. Honestly, it was so so difficult. She like your DD would cry the night before anything even happened & I would feel drained thinking about putting her to bed. However, I had to be firm with her. We had half an hour every night to talk about anything that was bothering her then we had to carry on with out night as normal. Her behaviour is showing that she is struggling with being apart from you both. She is 7 but happy kids don't behave like this so it sounds like she needs help.

Definitely her behaviour is age inappropriate, I think your dh is probably correct in that giving her loads of sympathy and cuddles probably encourages that kind of behaviour.
I'd wouldn't be cold but I'd definitely be more matter of fact with her with she starts wailing . It won't be good for her in the long run.

Help her to experience the disappointment without needing to perform the sadness.

This ^

@ZeroFuchsGiven no I'm given my opinion based on my own experience and knowledge. Exactly the same as everyone else here. And my experience and knowledge includes-

A degree in relational therapy
Ten years working as a counsellor
A diploma in children's education
Twenty years experience working with children in social services
Qualifications to deliver Solihull, Triple P parenting and Incredible years parenting classes

Not to mention being a parent to 3 children , I have spent a lot of time teaching parents to work with their children not at them. And a lot of time teaching parents to have feelings because they don't know how too.