To think DH is being too harsh here?

[TheLostNights]

DD is 7. Baby of the family.
DH thinks she manipulates me. For example she gets upset if I can't take her to school even though I never really have done because of work. She will have a long crying fit the night before or in the morning meaning I am often running late for work. It's not because she dislikes the event or person sje is left with, she just wants me or DH.
DH says she should have grown out of this now and that I need to stop pandering to it. Aibu to say she is still a little girl and it's natural for her to do this?

Not everything a 7 year old does has a reason behind it, let alone a malevolent one.

So many people seem to forget that sometimes kids just do stuff. And sometimes they get into bad habits. Maybe this child genuinely felt upset that mum wasn’t about for drop off and cried, and now she’s taking advantage of that. There’s no moral judgment to that because she’s a child! But we can still describe it as manipulation because it is.

She's 7!! YANBU bloody hell. Is she anxious or scared? Has she recently learned about death/bereavement and secretly worried one of you will get hurt and leave her?

I'd expect that sort of behaviour from a 3 year old going to nursery, not a 7 year old attending school in Key Stage 2. Time for you to help her grow up, and stop treating your DD as a baby; you're not doing her any favours.

Going to go slightly against the grain here, but it's very common for 5-8 years olds to have episodes of separation anxiety. I remember vividly at the age of 7 not wanting my mum to leave me at school, and then crying quietly in the classroom for ages once she'd gone (this was the 1970s). I also remember being very concerned with the idea of 'losing' my parents at that age too - I used to pray every night for the house not to burn down, for example.

And over the years, now with my own children, and friends with theirs, there does seem to be a pattern of separation anxiety around the early Key Stage 2 years.

I will say my mum never 'pandered to me' because she had places to be, but that didn't make any difference to how I felt at the time. TBH, even writing this in support of the OP, I'm remembering the tight feelings in my chest of the anxiety back then.

OP, I hope you find a way through.

One of my DDs read Charlotte's Web at about that age and became very clingy indeed, because the book had introduced the idea that mothers can die.

Needless to say I did not treat her as if she was being naughty and manipulative - I tried to understand and deal with it kindly.

If this child were behaving in a "manipulative" way in other areas of her life in order to get her own way then one approach might be appropriate. But this behaviour is limited to this situation, so maybe a different approach is needed. In either, an attempt to understand is the right thing.

Some posters are talking as if she is a dog to be trained.

He is right.she is not a baby.
don’t tell her the night before who is taking her to school.
I feel she is not really naughty, she has got into a bad habit.

Its you with the issue not her
Stop enabling her behaviour, be brisk and she will adapt

its parenting like this that is allowing the snowflake generation to grow. They never hear ‘No’ so can’t deal with it when they do. It’s called resilience - do right by your daughter and allow her to see that the world isn’t going to fall apart if you don’t mollycoddle her.

She is just acting out OP

You need to be jollying her out of it, not encouraging it. If she likes her aunt there’s no reason she should make a fuss about being with her,

As long as she’s getting a decent amount of attention there’s no need for this. But I would try humour over stern words.

Maybe you could speak to her teacher (or the ta) to see if there is an underlying need. Is she needy at school? Maybe you could create special time for the two of you? I loved school but hated leaving my
mum on Monday morning or after school hols. NB I was the youngest too.

Agewise I'm assuming she'll be going into KS3 in September. You are still treating her like a toddler. She needs to learn to be independent and realise she is making you late in the mornings. Plan how you are going to set her up so she can go into class on her own, and be confidently picked up at the end of the day.

Has it always been like this OP? I think at 7 unless it's a newish routine your DD should be used to different family members doing school drop offs.

Perhaps your DH is being harsh because he is fed up buy doesn't mean to come across that way.

Can you sit DD down and explain to her and take her for a nice treat with the understanding that she must not tantrum as you both need to work!

Stop indulging. Just be factual - ' auntie Anne is taking you today. See you later darling.' Quick kiss. Bit of tactical ignoring is necessary. My mum always worked and I never tried it on because I knew she didn't have time for it.

I’m here to say that whatever the whole world thinks/reasons, it is the mother’s gut feeling that really does justice to a child. Please only listen to your own instincts and feelings, and never stop showing compassion towards your daughter — even if this means being late to work or doing the totally avoidable school run. They don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Children will always remember how they are valued and cherished or dismissed — the feelings translate into self-worth or lack of it as they become adults.

That's not sad.

That's manipulating and you're letting her

She puts on such a big performance because you give her so much attention when she does it. NOT because it’s so distressing. Sometimes as a parent you do need to set clear boundaries to help kids feel safe, even if they do t like it.

I used to be an overnight camp counselor and 100% the worst thing parents would do got homesick kids would be to tell them they’d pick them up if they just stayed one more day, one more phone call etc. Kids would be distraught and unable to focus on camp and having fun. If the parent said, I understand you’re homesick but here are some great fun things you’re going to do, can’t wait to hear at the end of the week and that was the end of it, those kids quickly forgot about home and had fun.

indulging your daughters extreme reaction really isn’t doing her any favors. You say, it is different, and I would love to take you to school but I do need to go to work now. Love you, big hug. Sometimes you do need to physically unwrap arms and shut the door. 🤷‍♀️Literally toddlers are ok with this.

Maybe your daughter is autistic…? I have two (now teens) who would behave in similar ways and one who never did. People are always so quick to shout spoiled when they have no idea.

@Incognitomum11 - I previously suggested looking into autism in girls, as I have an autistic DD who presented in the same way before she diagnosed.

I was told off by several posters as “not every child is autistic” and apparently there was “nothing in the OP’s posts” to suggest that, just bratty behaviour clearly 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve worked in mental health settings with seriously ill young people and, sadly, I’ve seen some of the effects of late diagnosis and the trauma of being labelled as naughty or manipulative, throughout primary school 😞

I just can’t read anymore of the comments, the amount of judgement is making me crazy. Your child, your choice, do the right thing by her and you and you can’t go far wrong. What’s wrong with her wanting hugs and wanting her mum, nothing. She is growing up and has big feelings. You do you.

Just a different perspective. One of my DC became suddenly anxious around 7/8. Every time we left the house (even when we went to the loo!) she would panic and cry. It was very odd, came from nowhere, no incident. After a couple of months I took her to the doctor, as I had no idea how to help her and thought she might need counselling.

The doctor gently pointed out that she had a low grade fever, her glands were all up and that she had glandular fever. The anxiety was a symptom.

So, always accepting that you're probably a much better parent than me (who probably owns a digital thermometer and doesn't just rely on a hand on the forehead), you might want to check if there's a physical cause.

I'd struggle as well. I have a 7yo and I do feel they are little. My eldest (now 10yo) had separation anxiety at bedtime around that age. She cried and cried and cried. We tried gentle parenting, we tried stern and firm. The latter was worse and I do believe that she's now more insecure because of it. I regretted it and wished we sympathised more. As I see it, cuddles and showing you care about their emotions is perfectly fine and healthy, just don't backtrack on whatever the action was. We let her cry out at the time and we don't think it was good for her in the long run.

If she only does it with you, then your behaviour is leading it, though. If she does it with your DH as well, even when he is on his own with her, I'd be inclined to think something else is going on. I would personally look into this a bit more. Has it always been like this or is it now more pronounced? Is she worrying only about you leaving or both of you? Is this since school stopped or throughout the year? Are there big changes happening in her close circle (family, best friends) such as moving abroad, separations, changing schools, etc that she might be worried about happening to her family unit? I personally don't think they "manipulate" us at that age but they "cry for help" and cry for attention, meaning something goes on in their heads.

Couldn’t agree more more.

Have you had the conversation with her when she's calm about how you don't have a choice, you just can't take her to school, and that crying about it can't change that? Does she accept that? Perhaps you could start with a reward system for when she doesn't make a fuss?

I'm team husband as well. You are enabling her. Yes she is a little girl but she is not a toddler and can't dictate who drops off.

ALL behaviour is caused. Figuring out why this happens may be a good starting position.

That said, what are you unintentionally reinforcing? If you reward unwanted behaviour that will make it worse. If you remove distress you will also make the behaviour worse.

I'd say tell her what is expected and that you care AND at the same time it isn't happening.