To want a third baby? DH doesn’t and I am 10 wks pregnant

[lydiangel83]

No anti abortion haters please. DH and I DTD loosely knowing i was in my window and now I am 8-10 wks pregnant. I am one of three kids and my mum never had enough time for us, and I always said I just wanted 2 healthy kids and DH agreed. DD1 had severe health issues as a baby that she has luckily grown out of but the strain on our marriage was hard due to stress, anxiety of her health and years of lack of sleep: not to mention traumatic labour leaving me with broken coccyx.

We reluctantly agreed we didn’t want DD1 to be an only child, and ironically our own siblings have all been shit in the last 18 months so perhaps we shouldn’t have focused on giving her a sibling. But we did: and My DD2 was born with a genetic condition that is totally life limiting, she is registered disabled, and yet she’s the cutest baby around (aged 18 months but looks younger). We know the future will be hard - we have been told by professionals- we just don’t know exactly what it will look like. I’m so sick of people saying look at what you do have tho. We have lost our future as a couple; individuals and as a family - we know all the things we will never be able to do, and that she won’t work or live alone, for example.

Of course we are trying our best but we are devastated for her and for her sister who I fear will need to be her carer when we are gone. I look at DD1 sleeping at night and cry for her future; for the sibling she hasn’t got; and for everything I’ve done to keep her a happy healthy child. DD2 is our lifelong project, we love her dearly too and work really hard and spend a lot of money doing our best for her.

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2. Many parents I’ve come across with same rare condition found having a third / subsequent child very healing and selfishly I really want this too; to have all the cuddles and experiences I had with DD1 that I didn’t get with DD2 due to her horrific birth and NICU experience.

DH is totally in fear of it happening again/ anything else going wrong which I totally get. We argue loads and are not in a good place:

yet we are both turning 40 soon so time is really running out. I feel like I can cope with a third child but if DH not on board I don’t know what to do. AIBU to want It anyway and go against his wishes?

Ps DD2 condition statistically impossible to happen again and would be tested for in pregnancy

Well, you're already pregnant so you need to have a serious conversation with DH.

That seems very short sighted and reckless and I'm
Not sure what you are expecting people to say.

If your marriage is rocky anyway why have you risked it by doing this? It's hard now but what if your husband can't forgive your deception. What happens if you have to raise three kids on you own?
I can't imagine being in your position.

You have an unfair expectation of your child / children to step into the parental shoes. Stop that, whether or not you have a third. They might not be able to, and they're entitled not to want to.

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2.

And you wanted DD2 to be a supportive sibling to DD1. I think before you decide what to do you have to stop imagining roles for your children before they exist. DC3 could move 5000 miles away, hate the other two, also have a disability, anything. You have a rocky marriage and very little spare energy and time. Do you actually want a third child, have time and energy and money? Can you give a third child a full, happy life? Even as a single parent because that may be on the cards.

It sounds like you both played Russian Fertility Roulette.

Was this helpful to the op? Do you think it’ll make her feel better to read it? Maybe your should take the advice of your username.

OP, neither you or your husband are being unreasonable. You’ve both been through a traumatic time and are processing it in your own way. The fact of the matter is, you are pregnant now, and it’s something you need to deal with together, hopefully supporting each other. Would counselling be an option? Hugs to you both. Take care.

Sorry for what you're going through right now, it sounds really hard and I understand where you are coming from.

But PP are right.

DD1 will not have to be a carer for DD2 when she is older. That is not her responsibility, she may want to, but she may also want to move to the other side of the world and only come home for holidays.

DC3, if they arrive will also not have to be a support system to DD1 if they don't want to. They could hate each other.

Stop pre-defining roles for your children, one who is not even here yet. It will only push them further away if you force responsibilities on them.

I would listen seriously to your husband on this one. Can you afford a third child without impacting the other two?

What would happen if he left and you had to care for all three children on your own?

It sounds like there is a space in your heart for the idealised fantasy version of DD2 and motherhood generally. Your mum had 3 kids and never had enough time for them. You only ever wanted 2 children and your husband agreed. A third child would certainly divert some of your time ,physical and emotional energy from DD2.This of itself might be a psychological boost to you, particularly if you are a SAHM. Whether it would boost your energy enough to be a benefit to you,your existing two children and husband is not certain.

Doing what? There's no indication that OP wanted to get pregnant; she acknowledges that she and her husband both knew the risks and were careless. If her husband was adamant that there be no third child, vasectomies exist and are easier, cheaper, and less painful than anything reliable that a woman can do to avoid pregnancy (plus reversible).

The expectations you’re already placing on your unborn third child are completely and utterly unfair.

I feel really sorry for them.

I think maybe you have already decided to keep the baby. How would you feel if you had an abortion? Would you regret it? Would you resent your husband. Really it's your decision, not his. People have had way more than three children before and managed just fine. I think as long as you stop assigning roles for them and placing unrealistic expectations on them then you just have to concentrate on what you want to do and how it will make you feel.

There are lots of people here flippantly telling you it will be too hard and to get an abortion. Well it's up to you. They have no idea how you will cope with a third. Your husband knows how babies are made. If he didn't want one he should have used contraception instead of impregnating you and then thinking you can simply have an abortion and all the pain / anguish that may bring you.

First of all do not assign DD1s role as carer. That is completely unfair and if I were her as soon as I were old enough I’d move out to uni and be just a little to far away so I could visit but not become a carer. Put plans and money in place for carers.

As for DC3, I can see why you’d go for it to be honest aa long again as there’s no expectation that they would become ‘support’ or ‘carers’.

Please don't groom DD1 into being a carer for your other child. That's not her job or responsibility. If she needs care after you are gone, start putting money aside for it now and think about options that don't involve your other child. Perhaps she will want to be a carer but just as likely she will want to live her own life.

No one here can tell you whether to go ahead or not. But I would be thinking very hard about whether I have the capacity - mentally, emotionally, physically, financially - for another child, and how life would look if I had to do it solo, and how that would affect my existing children as they have to be the priority.

Your husband isnt on board
You already feel overwhelmed with 2. And your baby #3 wouldnt be a friend/sibling to #1 in real-life. They could end up hating eachother. Just because they are siblings doesn't mean they will get along.

Look at what you have right now. How full your plate already is

Imagining adding a third child to that mix BUT MINUS a husband. ..

But may I add. That if your dh doesn't want any more kids he should get a vasectomy otherwise you'll find yourself in this position again in a years time

You have to completely jettison this fantasy of a DC3's future role in the family. It's utterly bonkers.
You already know that the reality of having DC can differ wildly from what you'd imagined !

I think the responses here are harsh. As someone who also had a dd with a life limiting rare genetic condition, I totally get what you are saying. I cried over the family life we wouldn’t have and felt a need to have more children. As it happens, dd1 died after a year, we had another child and I’m 37 weeks pregnant because I want them to have a sibling. It was a roulette for us as the condition is so rare it can’t be tested for.

In your shoes I would get the testing done asap as it seems that will make a huge difference to DH’s anxiety.

So hard for you OP. Are there any genetic tests that could eliminate the worries you have about DC3 before you make you’re decision?

Is this a Jodi Picoult novel plot?

siblings aren’t meant to be created to be their sibling’s keepers and carers.

Human beings aren’t meant to be created for the “cuddles and the experience”.

DD1 absolutely isn’t destined to be DD2’s carer. DD1 is free to move to Australia to study X or Y or to US to study Z and build her career and raise her family there. Accept and encourage her absolute free choices to be free. I cannot believe you are raising her with the notion that she will be a carer for DD2.

your time energy and resources are clearly heavily needed by your DD2. Splitting these resources further : well, splits them further.

so in other words - not sure what the thinking is.

DD1 absolutely isn’t destined to be DD2’s carer. DD1 is free to move to Australia to study X or Y or to US to study Z and build her career and raise her family there. Accept and encourage her absolute free choices to be free. I cannot believe you are raising her with the notion that she will be a carer for DD2.

The OP said she "fears" DD1 will end up being a carer for DD2 after she is gone, not that she is deliberately raising her to be one.

The reality of these family situations is that this is very often what actually happens, no matter what the parents say or do and no matter how hard the parents try to make the health sibling feel that they are not obliged to do anything in terms of care. The guilt factor and feelings of responsibility in the healthy sibling can create such a difficult situation.

People need to read the OP's post more carefully.

OP what happens if you have another traumatic birth or if DC3 has a life limiting condition too?

In your situation, I wouldn't have the third baby. I would fully focus on giving the two I already had the best lives possible. DD1 needs to know that she can have whatever life she wants to have, with your love and support.

It sounds as if all aspects of your life will come under intolerable strain if you proceed with the third pregnancy.

Having said that, you are already pregnant so it is now a huge and difficult decision that must be yours. if you feel that you must proceed, please do not place expectations on your third child and plan for the possibility of parenting alone.

I can understand your want for another child and also your DH's worries. However if he really didn't want another child he really shouldn't have been having unprotected sex.

I don't know if I'd go on to have another child though. We often paint this romanticised picture of all our children growing up happily together but the reality is many siblings do not get on in real life at all. And I do not agree with your view that DC3 will be DC1's support system because DC1 will become DC2's carer. That's so limiting and unfair on your children.

What a difficult time you've had. I can see why you're hopeful of a healing process but I'm glad you can see that is a selfish thought. It's not a child's responsibility to heal us. Seek counselling, there is a lot you're dealing with here.

It sounds as though you have a stressful enough time of it without having an extra child

Creating a fantasy in your head about how they might be friends with one and look after the other sister isn’t helping either. They might dislike both sisters or move to Australia

It’s your decision but whatever you decide you need to sort out reliable contraception in future

I suppose the question you have to ask yourself is how will you cope as a single parent? Because it sounds like there's a very real risk your marriage is going to break down.

Hard agree that your husband should have taken a lot more responsibility if he didn't want another child.