To want a third baby? DH doesn’t and I am 10 wks pregnant

[lydiangel83]

No anti abortion haters please. DH and I DTD loosely knowing i was in my window and now I am 8-10 wks pregnant. I am one of three kids and my mum never had enough time for us, and I always said I just wanted 2 healthy kids and DH agreed. DD1 had severe health issues as a baby that she has luckily grown out of but the strain on our marriage was hard due to stress, anxiety of her health and years of lack of sleep: not to mention traumatic labour leaving me with broken coccyx.

We reluctantly agreed we didn’t want DD1 to be an only child, and ironically our own siblings have all been shit in the last 18 months so perhaps we shouldn’t have focused on giving her a sibling. But we did: and My DD2 was born with a genetic condition that is totally life limiting, she is registered disabled, and yet she’s the cutest baby around (aged 18 months but looks younger). We know the future will be hard - we have been told by professionals- we just don’t know exactly what it will look like. I’m so sick of people saying look at what you do have tho. We have lost our future as a couple; individuals and as a family - we know all the things we will never be able to do, and that she won’t work or live alone, for example.

Of course we are trying our best but we are devastated for her and for her sister who I fear will need to be her carer when we are gone. I look at DD1 sleeping at night and cry for her future; for the sibling she hasn’t got; and for everything I’ve done to keep her a happy healthy child. DD2 is our lifelong project, we love her dearly too and work really hard and spend a lot of money doing our best for her.

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2. Many parents I’ve come across with same rare condition found having a third / subsequent child very healing and selfishly I really want this too; to have all the cuddles and experiences I had with DD1 that I didn’t get with DD2 due to her horrific birth and NICU experience.

DH is totally in fear of it happening again/ anything else going wrong which I totally get. We argue loads and are not in a good place:

yet we are both turning 40 soon so time is really running out. I feel like I can cope with a third child but if DH not on board I don’t know what to do. AIBU to want It anyway and go against his wishes?

Ps DD2 condition statistically impossible to happen again and would be tested for in pregnancy

I think you need to be very matter-of-fact, even cold about this, OP.
Stop spinning cosy fantasy scenarios altogether.

Responsible parenting means you have to plan for all eventualities. Which might include a premature baby, another traumatic labour, more health complications, another child with significant additional needs.

How would you cope with any or all of these? How would it affect the wellbeing of your existing children? Your and your husband's health? The security of your marriage? The happiness of your family home? Do you have the practical, financial and relationship resources necessary to support you?

Think carefully about all possible outcomes - and then decide.

Thank you for your kind words. My girls both get what they need at the moment - and I will take on board what you said. Hugs to you x

I think its massively selfish to have a child in order for them to provide friendship and support for a disabled sibling. It's placing high expectations on them, ar you hoping they step in and take over when you no longer can't?

Sometimes you have to make hard decisions, knowing that the outcome isn’t one that will make you happy, but the outcome that will result in the least amount of pain all round.

In an ideal world your DH would fully support you to make the right decision for you, but this isn’t an ideal world and you have to ask yourself some hard questions. Could you cope with three children, one disabled (maybe even two disabled), on your own? Are you able to adequately provide, financially and emotionally, for three children?

I agree. I hated reading this:

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2.

Your children are unique people with their OWN wants, needs, personalities and lives to lead. You can't decide before they're even born what they are going to do/be!!! That's really toxic and frankly bonkers.

What if DC3 loathes the family setup and this pre-determined future and scarpers out of it asap leaving you all behind and goes NC?

Pretty certain if they came on here as a young adult and said my Mum expects me to devote my life to my disabled sister like she does, they would be told you are controlling and that they are complete entitled to go off and live their own life away from you.

The fact is that it isn’t DD1’s responsibility, no matter how much people may try to make it so. And it isn’t about her having a perfect life, it’s about her having the freedom to make her own decisions rather than having them made for her.

I have a friend who was ‘raised with a sense of duty’ towards her disabled sibling. She left home as soon as she was able to now has no contact whatsoever with her parents or sibling. She wasn’t expected to make sacrifices, she was the one being sacrificed.

Are you able to say what DC2 condition is? Is it genetic but not hereditary?

Are you under a geneticist?

How would DC2's condition be tested for?

Clearly my original wording was poor and sparked much controversy. I do not intend or plan for any of my children to be carers, we are raising DD1 to fulfil her own dreams and giving her all we have to support her independence. We are also financially planning for DD2 to live in care / sheltered accommodation when the time comes. I merely stated that I know what a kind and caring sister DD1 already is, sensing her sisters weakness and vulnerability, and I fear her innate kindness will lead her to feel responsible despite what we tell her and guide her. I am sorry if my wording did not come across as such. I know better than most that life does not go as you plan for and dream of. I just want to protect all of us as best as possible and give us the best possible lives.

You've said you want this baby, so surely there is no decision to be made?

I agree with PP that it was incredibly reckless of you and DH to not think having a third child through carefully beforehand, considering the responsibilities and pressures you already face... your disabled DC and the difficulties in your and DH's relationship.

But it's happened now, and him trying to make you feel bad about it, or suggest not having the baby, is very unfair...He was knowingly just as much a part of creating the baby as you were when you both didn't take precautions.

It must be a very scary and overwhelming time for you both, but he needs to accept what has happened, and you need to both unite, perhaps get some relationship therapy, think about additional support you might need to put in place for middle DD once baby arrives, and buckle up together for the ride.Your children need you to.

FWIW a mum of a child in DD's reception class has 3 DCs (middle one aged about 3ish has a life-limiting disability, think its a genetic condition) I don't know her well, or if the 3rd baby was planned, but on the face of it, whilst i'm sure she faces incredible challenges and mum guilt at times, she is coping well with everything and seems happy with the situation.But I suppose everyone is different.

Genetic but not hereditary happened by chance at conception. Can test for it and would definitely test for it.

As per other messages I absolutely do not intend for DD1 to be a carer. I just know how naturally kind she is and will feel like she should/ want to look after her sister no matter how we persuade her otherwise. We fully plan on ensuring DD2’s life is as financially secure and independent and full as we can be without reliance on our biological family

How old is dd1 that you know all this, Op? She can be kind and loving without wanting to be a carer for her sibling. I don't think that you are aware of the responsibility that you are putting onto your dd regarding this, and it's unfair.

I think some posters are skimming your answers OP or maybe not differentiating between being "caring" (adjective) and being a "carer" (noun, profession).

The OP has explained her plans for her disabled daughter. It's clear that her care as an adult is being planned for and that they're not expecting D1 to dedicate her life to sisters personal care.

It is not an unreasonable assumption to think that someone with a disabled sibling, even one living in care, will worry about their sibling and will possibly have to make some decisions at some point down the line. Of course D1 might not want to (like my relative who moved abroad partly to escape his family including disabled sibling). But they more likely, hopefully, will stick around and be as functioning and close a family as can be under these difficult circumstances.

My relative was in a care home, all seemed sorted for his future- then funding was cut and it shut down. There is always an element of uncertainty around care, and I suppose anxiety about having a disabled/vulnerable loved one. I know i feel a lot less pressured in my involvement for disabled relative knowing my sibling and I are sharing decision making, worries, ideas etc.

Gah, I've found this thread quite emotional OP, I can't imagine how difficult it has been for you to read. I really hope everything works out for you and your family.

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't go ahead with the pregnancy

Good luck with whatever you decide ❤

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2.

Do not bring a child into the world who already has a job. I understand why you feel how you do but that is not fair to that child.

You sound like a wonderful mother who would love and adore any child she has!! But please try not to have expectations of what they will be/do for their older siblings.

Sorry op. Just read your updates!

Thank you x

It sounds to me like both OP and her DH subconsciously wanted a third child, as they were both aware that they were having unprotected sex during her fertile time. If as the OP says, they were both truly of a mind that they didn't want a third child, then surely they would have taken steps to permanently prevent this happening, but neither of them did. So it seems to me OP that you need to speak to your DH and tell him that you want to keep the baby, and that if he really didn't want another one it was up to him to have had a vasectomy, he didn't, so now he has to take responsibility for raising another child. If he does walk away, then I feel sure that the fact that you really want this child will see you through whatever comes next.

Thanks Op. I'm another one who was moved to write my initial rather vitriolic post after reading your OP rather than the full thread so I apologise for not checking for updates first.

I appreciate you coming back to clarify what you meant.

I still think you need to think long and hard about ALL the possible negatives rather than the best case scenario of Dc1/3 having a great relationship etc and weigh this all up before you decide what to do.
And yes your DH needs to get the snip!!

DC3 might have different ideas about what he/she wants to do with his/her life.

And, it sounds like all your time and other resources are already invested in DC2.

*OP, its interesting how many posters with disabled siblings either are grateful for having other siblings too or wish they did have for someone else to share the responsibility with. Most posters with disabled family members seem to get where you're coming from. ❤️

I hope that gives you some reassurance or at least counters the posters who don't understand why you possibly would think it's a good idea*

Of course posters in the position of the child with a disabled sibling get where OP is coming from. Because they need to share the burden. But having another children to impose the burden on is massively unfair. Insulate the existing child from the burden, don't widen it

Absolutely this.

Children should never become the carers for their siblings. You're writing their future for them.

That's not fair now is it?

You need to find ways of healing that don't involve bringing another life into the world.

Whether you continue with this pregnancy is between you and your husband, but don't assume that your kids will get along. I don't know any one who gets along with their siblings, much less wants to care for them later in life.

People are moaning about hervtaking this on.growing up in a family such as this makes you different.gives you different roles and priorities.AND THAT'S OK.op I think ( not having a go) the "able" families folk on this forum just can't get it.
You become stronger,weirder,more attuned in so many ways.you crumble in others.you don't need what others need in life and need lots more in others.avfamily with disabilities are as unique as they come.
Your sister then,may very likely WANT and be determined and absolutely fine to step into mote of a Caring role.if it's done through choice or even half guilt it ok.its not the end of the world.i wouldn't have it any other way.amd would never ever leave my sister. I dont give a shit what life "others" say I need.things change.thwy are f tough but love is tougher.
It's about being open.syruggling together.what rocks you as a family would break others and vice versa.
Don't plan the next 30 years being in this role.trust me it will not go how you plan and will throw easier,better,fantastic bits.abd harder,worse traumatic bits. But can any family guarantee plain sailing?at least you have a semi idea of your journeys!
We had to just STOP being down and predicting or wondering what ifs and what could have been.bwcause no it couldn t.there is no life just given to people.shithappens every day.
Going forward you have to learn to literally take it as it comes.
Plan as u can for what you can control.
30 years in.trust me if laugh at that woman doing what you might think u need to now.and I'd hug her and just say go with it.somwhow you will be ok.
This current pregnancy is another matter.yiu need to discuss it.openly.lay it all out with your dp. Because you have to be able to be in this together.
Support is key.for special needs families it's essential.
You become an unbeatable army.
And the people her siblings have turned out to be are astounding.i no she's taught them alot.i see so much goodness from what they learnt from being in her life.
Yes everyone has had to do things no one should.but fuck it.love is love is love.its beaten all odds and shit.its held on.
Talk op.
And hold on.

And also get it's never a burden.ever.
hard.tough.f* impossible at times but never ever a burden.and never a choice of whether we'd be there or not.crawling on our hands and knees if we need to be.

I don't think anyone can guarentee that number 3 will care for/support their siblings; hundreds of threads here revolve around sibling dynamics, rarely in a positive way.
And how much time will you be able to devote to number 3 if number 2 requires so much care (talking about you and DH before anyone jumps on me for suggesting onlu OP will do caring)