To want a third baby? DH doesn’t and I am 10 wks pregnant

[lydiangel83]

No anti abortion haters please. DH and I DTD loosely knowing i was in my window and now I am 8-10 wks pregnant. I am one of three kids and my mum never had enough time for us, and I always said I just wanted 2 healthy kids and DH agreed. DD1 had severe health issues as a baby that she has luckily grown out of but the strain on our marriage was hard due to stress, anxiety of her health and years of lack of sleep: not to mention traumatic labour leaving me with broken coccyx.

We reluctantly agreed we didn’t want DD1 to be an only child, and ironically our own siblings have all been shit in the last 18 months so perhaps we shouldn’t have focused on giving her a sibling. But we did: and My DD2 was born with a genetic condition that is totally life limiting, she is registered disabled, and yet she’s the cutest baby around (aged 18 months but looks younger). We know the future will be hard - we have been told by professionals- we just don’t know exactly what it will look like. I’m so sick of people saying look at what you do have tho. We have lost our future as a couple; individuals and as a family - we know all the things we will never be able to do, and that she won’t work or live alone, for example.

Of course we are trying our best but we are devastated for her and for her sister who I fear will need to be her carer when we are gone. I look at DD1 sleeping at night and cry for her future; for the sibling she hasn’t got; and for everything I’ve done to keep her a happy healthy child. DD2 is our lifelong project, we love her dearly too and work really hard and spend a lot of money doing our best for her.

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2. Many parents I’ve come across with same rare condition found having a third / subsequent child very healing and selfishly I really want this too; to have all the cuddles and experiences I had with DD1 that I didn’t get with DD2 due to her horrific birth and NICU experience.

DH is totally in fear of it happening again/ anything else going wrong which I totally get. We argue loads and are not in a good place:

yet we are both turning 40 soon so time is really running out. I feel like I can cope with a third child but if DH not on board I don’t know what to do. AIBU to want It anyway and go against his wishes?

Ps DD2 condition statistically impossible to happen again and would be tested for in pregnancy

A relative had two NT children. Her third was ND - non verbal, very challenging. She had a fourth who has a severe disability. Non verbal, unable to walk, medically complex. I wouldn't risk it and it's simply not fair on the third child

OP please, please don't let people on here bully you into an abortion with their shitty attitudes.

Please go get some advice and think it through.
You need to make a decision you can live with, either way.

There is often no right or wrong decision, that's one of the things so hard about abortion I think. I found myself searching for the "right" answer, but there was no right or wrong answer, there were simply two possible paths and I needed to choose which one. Other people moralising about it is never helpful IME. (FWIW, I choose to abort the first time, and not the last time).

ARC www.arc-uk.org give good support for women going through antenatal.screening and trying to decide what to do. Although that isn't exactly your situation this time, I wonder if they may be able to signpost you for support or at least help you talk it through.

Would your husband consider couple counseling?

Good luck OP, sending you a huge unmumsnetty hug.

This is a very harsh post.

It is. I flagged that up at the start. Because OP is in some kind of dream-trance and if we all just say "sure you are absolutely right and you should definitely bring a 3rd child into this already stressful mix" she is not getting advice or comments, she's just getting handmaidens feeding into her pipe-dream

The OP is already pregnant. It's her body, her choice

And i have said that in every bloody post. And i have also said OP deserves sympathy and empathy, but she also deserves to hear some truths and not platitudes about how things work out in the end, or (heaven forfend, but it hasn't happened yet) "God only gives you trials you can cope with"

What she really needs is: to talk to DH, to get screening and good sound medical advice. And to go through all possible scenarios in her head and with her DH and honestly think about the impact of all this on 4 existing and one potential life. It's not a walk in the park, but OP needs to be realistic here.

This is a very tricky situation but I think it's really important to not prescribe 'roles' for your children's future. Obviously as you age, you'll want to know that your daughter is well cared-for but at the same time, your other kids need the freedom to choose their own paths in life.

Obviously you have to consider the future and I think it's lovely that you want your daughter to have an extra sibling where they can have a regular sibling relationship but I don't think it's fair to create an environment of expectation that they will both assume caring responsibilities. Maybe they will but they also need to feel free to pursue their own lives too.

I'm going to have a different view on this than most. I'm an eldest daughter with a profoundly disabled younger sibling. I was a child carer. My parents died young and I have been solely responsible for my brother for a decade now and it's really hard. I have a team of carers in place so this isn't about the day to day caring responsibilities, it's about being the only person the OT or social worker or consultant or equipment manager can talk to about decisions. Or the only person to make medical decisions and appointments. The only person to get the 2am phone call when something is wrong. The only person who gets what this kind of life is like.

I would love another sibling I could have an actual sibling relationship with, even if it's fraught or at a physical distance as I know there's no guarantee we would get on or live close. It would be good to not feel so alone in my responsibilities or to have felt that my whole family died once my parents were gone.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

This is so so hard. My heart goes out to you.
I totally undersand your feelings. My older one is disabled (autism), but we only found out after I got pregnant with the second one, so it was too late to think if we should ty again. We may not have decided ti have another one, but we did and I am so so grateful. It's fine to want another child, it's absolutely fine to want happiness and imagine it happen.
Are there ways to check if your third baby would have similar condition to your second?
Also, did your husband know, I mean, was he aware at the time of the deed that it could end in pregnancy (did you use protection etc).

Im one of 4 and i speak to one sibling. Sibling 2 speaks to none of us. Sibling 3 speaks to none of us and sibling 4 speaks to all of us.
We would not be “carers” for each other.
If you have a baby you have it for yourself knowing the likely consequences, it sounds like youll just split sooner rather than later if you go ahead. Id keep the baby tbh

DH is totally in fear of it happening again/ anything else going wrong which I totally get. We argue loads and are not in a good place

What sort of man has unprotected sex - when he knows the woman is ovulating, no less - and then expects her to have an abortion, if pregnancy is the result?

Unforgivable - and I say this as someone who is as pro-choice as it gets and who’s had an abortion myself.

I would find this sort of behaviour to be deal-breaker territory, but you obviously don’t seem that bothered by it, OP.

If he is indeed ‘totally in fear’, why has he not had a vasectomy?

OP, I understand where you’re coming from.
The hope that having a third could provide a healthy sibling for your DD1 and a healthy baby for you.

I still feel like I’d like a third.

What makes me unsure is what your DH is thinking.

However, if I ended up in your position, then I would absolutely have the baby. Umming and Aaahing about whether to get pregnant or not is different. I’d feel the need to take that shot.

Please ignore those berating you on the phrase of DD1 having to look after DD2. Even if DD1 ends up in a home when you’re gone, DD1 would still have to be consulted on decisions, she’d visit, etc.

I hope you’ve gone past the feeling guilty about this responsibility for DD1 because you didn’t choose it either.

All the best with your pregnancy, OP

I may be wrong but I think some posters are missing the point a bit.

I don't think OP is saying "We would like DD1 to be DD2's carer and this is our plan".

I think she is saying "Realistically no matter how many measures we put in place, DD1 is likely to be DD2's closest surviving relative eventually and will end up having a major role in her care decisions". I think OP is probably right.

Really difficult situation. I think it would be worth considering why you want a 3rd baby (the title of the post says you do), is it to still try to fulfil the idealised fantasy of what you thought family life would be?

I think if have an abortion, you would regret it for the rest of your life. I am not anti-abortion at all and in fact very pro-choice but in your circumstances I completely understand why you want this third child.

We are in a very different situation but after four years of trying to conceive and two IVF cycles I know the pain and desperation to have a sibling for your child. I would suggest doing counselling, maybe genetic counselling with DH to reduce his fears. But if you are testing and as you say and the statistics are extremely low of the genetic condition occurring again. It’s beautiful you are giving your DD2 her best life.

I really wouldn’t miss this chance to have a third. At 40 years old you might never get it again. Sending love OP, a very difficult situation

But ops DD will be a carer, because her sister will always need help and no matter how much you don't want her to be a carer she always will be. She will always have that responsibility.

Like a pp I am the elder sibling of a child with severe disability. I also wish I had someone else to talk to/share the load/just be a link to my family.

I told my dh when we met that two wouldn't be enough.

As for what you should do, if you were not pregnant I probably would agree with those saying don't add another baby to the mix. But you are and you sound like it is very much wanted.

Agree with this. But then if there's even the slightest chance for dd1 to end up in that position for both dd2 and dc3, that's a massively unfair burden. Looking at it as an outsider it's easy to say I wouldn't continue with the pregnancy, but I realise that's so much harder for you op.

Also agree with pp who said of dh is so vehemently against, why does he not have a vasectomy, or at the very least refuse to dtd if he knows you're ovulating?! (presuming he was aware of this and op had not made the decision to try for dc3 unilaterally).

What deception? Getting pregnant? It takes two!

Clearly you can't imagine being in OPs position, fucking lucky you!

OP you must talk to your DH.

If you don’t have the baby because your husband doesn’t want another child, how will you both get past that? It is the kind of thing that may destroy any feelings you have for him.

My DD has a disability that doesn't show up in testing and is not genetic, so unpredictable. Also, it is aggravated by Covid, yet another unpredictable factor. The fact is you don't know how DD 3 will turn out. It seems foolish to make life even more difficult for yourself when your marriage is rocky.

You’re prone to punishment 😂 why would you want a third child with the issues you’re facing already? if the third child will be born with severe health issues as well? will you be able to care for three kids if your marriage breaks down. Sorry but an abortion will be a non brainer for me. And maybe start looking at contraception???

He didn't haven sex with himself. There was another willing party who also knew the risks.

I don't think OP is saying "We would like DD1 to be DD2's carer and this is our plan".
I think she is saying "Realistically no matter how many measures we put in place, DD1 is likely to be DD2's closest surviving relative eventually and will end up having a major role in her care decisions". I think OP is probably right.

What OP and the DH should be doing is setting up care for DD2 so that DD1 doesn't have to. That can mean having someone have POA for DD2 so that the only thing DD1 might want to do is continue a sibling relationship. One of my DC has a friend who has a brother, and they both have an older brother who is profoundly disabled and lives in a care home. They visit him often and they and their parents (even though the older two are over 25 now) go for long weekends away with him. The parents have been very careful over the years to do things as a couple, as a couple with the older kids and various permutations of one-on-one time with all their children.
The result is that they all have great relationships with each other and the younger sibling is not left out due to resentment or anything. But the older 2 are not and never will be responsible, against their will, for their brother. He has his own advocate, and that will always be the case.

OP, its interesting how many posters with disabled siblings either are grateful for having other siblings too or wish they did have for someone else to share the responsibility with. Most posters with disabled family members seem to get where you're coming from. ❤️

I hope that gives you some reassurance or at least counters the posters who don't understand why you possibly would think it's a good idea.

I think if have an abortion, you would regret it for the rest of your life

And if she has a third DC and her family breaks down, she would regret that too. I don't think projecting into what she would regret is helpful really. As a PP said, it's about the DC at this point and this has to be a practical and clear-eyed decision, not clouded by fantasies of fixing her family or fear of regret. OP can get help to deal with any regret she may or may not have in future. It won't be easy, but it very much sounds like the reality of a 3rd DC will be much harder.

It's definitely a shit situation for you all.

However having a third child to provide support and friendship for other siblings isnt a reason to have a child, what if they don't get on as siblings? My Husband has 3 siblings and none of them talk to each other. No fall outs, they all went to Uni on different parts of the country and just don't keep in touch. It's a card at Christmas and on birthdays. They never have family get togethers and at weddings, they treat each other as guests and not family.

Your second child is going to take up more of your time as they get bigger and have bigger needs that meeting. Your first will already be sidelined because of this so a third child, who will also need attention could end up taking valuable time that could be spent on child 1.

I'm 1 of 6 siblings and time wasn't equal or fair and that was without any disabilities but we all had stuff going on at different times that required extra attention. We also went through periods where we needed extra support Nd couldn't have it because of someone else needing it.

My sibling has two disabled children and one of them gets largely pushed to the side as their sibling needs extra attention and she notices it and comments on it.

Personally I'd terminate. Your 40, getting older and already have two children, one with a disability. It's only going to get harder

@lydiangel83 what will an abortion do to you and what will it do to your marriage?
What will keeping the baby do to your husband marriage?

In your shoes, both Inc him knowing you were having unprotected sex, an abortion would kill my marriage. DH wouldn't walk out on us for something partly his own fault. So we'd end up with the third kid

You really need to do the "ultimate consequences" talk. Good luck x

I think just deciding not to have a third child is one thing and yes, may have been the right thing for your marriage.

But deciding to abort one and all that entails will strain your relationship regardless.

I think you've had a really hard time on the sibling expectations. It was seeing my lovely mother in law have to deal with the death of her parents all alone that made me want a second. I didn't like the idea that my child could be all alone in the world.

I'm not especially close to my sister and we live 350miles apart but there are things I can only talk to her about when and I'm so glad I have her.

You have an impossible choice but really, I suspect that you did the deed in this way because it is something you want but are both too scared to decide you want it (that was our scenario after DH had life changing injury and we were frightened about how life would be).
That little surprise has been the best thing we've ever done.

I don't think you'll regret a child who is here. Your life is already incredibly tough and you are coping.

Are you entitled to any counselling through work? I think you'd both benefit from talking to a professional