To want a third baby? DH doesn’t and I am 10 wks pregnant

[lydiangel83]

No anti abortion haters please. DH and I DTD loosely knowing i was in my window and now I am 8-10 wks pregnant. I am one of three kids and my mum never had enough time for us, and I always said I just wanted 2 healthy kids and DH agreed. DD1 had severe health issues as a baby that she has luckily grown out of but the strain on our marriage was hard due to stress, anxiety of her health and years of lack of sleep: not to mention traumatic labour leaving me with broken coccyx.

We reluctantly agreed we didn’t want DD1 to be an only child, and ironically our own siblings have all been shit in the last 18 months so perhaps we shouldn’t have focused on giving her a sibling. But we did: and My DD2 was born with a genetic condition that is totally life limiting, she is registered disabled, and yet she’s the cutest baby around (aged 18 months but looks younger). We know the future will be hard - we have been told by professionals- we just don’t know exactly what it will look like. I’m so sick of people saying look at what you do have tho. We have lost our future as a couple; individuals and as a family - we know all the things we will never be able to do, and that she won’t work or live alone, for example.

Of course we are trying our best but we are devastated for her and for her sister who I fear will need to be her carer when we are gone. I look at DD1 sleeping at night and cry for her future; for the sibling she hasn’t got; and for everything I’ve done to keep her a happy healthy child. DD2 is our lifelong project, we love her dearly too and work really hard and spend a lot of money doing our best for her.

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2. Many parents I’ve come across with same rare condition found having a third / subsequent child very healing and selfishly I really want this too; to have all the cuddles and experiences I had with DD1 that I didn’t get with DD2 due to her horrific birth and NICU experience.

DH is totally in fear of it happening again/ anything else going wrong which I totally get. We argue loads and are not in a good place:

yet we are both turning 40 soon so time is really running out. I feel like I can cope with a third child but if DH not on board I don’t know what to do. AIBU to want It anyway and go against his wishes?

Ps DD2 condition statistically impossible to happen again and would be tested for in pregnancy

i would advise you to get a sheet of paper and divide into 4 columns.

put pros and cons for keeping the baby on the two columns, and use the other two for pros and cons of the other option.

honestly write everything down that’s in your your head and your heart and you will be able to make a decision then.

whatever you do will be ok. Good luck.

What an incredibly hard situation you are in.

When you conceived, were you actively trying to force this potential baby on your DH? Did either of you accept that pregnancy was a real possibility? Were you in your heart hoping to conceive and doing it in a 'passive aggressive' way as a fait accompli?

Did you effectively 'trick him' into conceiving and did he know it was that time of your cycle? It seems odd that you went ahead with this risk having already discussed a 3rd child and decided not to .

maybe start by putting aside any relationships three siblings will have.
You cannot control how they will interact. I know of a few families where the siblings have nothing to do with each other or where there is hostility.
The idea that just because siblings have the same parent they will be life-long friends is a fantasy sometimes - it doesn't always happen.

It's a very personal decision but don't underestimate the sheer hard work of 3 kids when one is disabled.

Don't assume your two existing kids will want a sibling or get on as adults.

Ask yourself why you wanted a 3rd child because everything you have written is negative about 3rd children- your mother's experience and your own with your siblings.

why is two not enough?

OP, this all sounds very hard.

No one, not even your husband, can tell you whether to terminate this pregnancy or not.

If you are going to terminate, you should do so as soon as possible because the longer you wait, the harder it will be, both physically and emotionally.

I think you need to do some real soul searching about whether you actually want this baby - not just for the role you think they might play as a sibling or the support they might be able to provide, but for itself, as a whole, unique, individual human which might also have their own healthcare issues or needs.

You also need to be honest with yourself about whether you and your husband as things currently are will actually be able to give this baby the time and attention they will need, what the impact will be on your existing children who already require a lot of time and attention, and how you will cope if it has a negative impact on your marriage.

In your shoes I would keep the baby OP but I know that’s easier to say from afar. I’m sorry you’re in this position

What a difficult situation to be in. Could you look at getting some support to separate your expectations from the life you thought you'd have Vs the life you do and see what your decision is then? I think really recognising that your life and those of your daughter's will be wildly different to what you expected now is the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your children.

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2. Many parents I’ve come across with same rare condition found having a third / subsequent child very healing and selfishly I really want this too; to have all the cuddles and experiences I had with DD1 that I didn’t get with DD2 due to her horrific birth and NICU experience.

This is where you are utterly wrong.

I know you have taken back these comments but they come over as so intense, that I wonder if, despite your denials, this is what you really felt?

You didn't get pregnant accidentally and if your DH was so much against a 3rd child I can't understand why he allowed you both to take a risk.

If i was you I'd have a harmony test at 10 weeks, but also know it only picks up some conditions. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

That all sounds very difficult, however you were both there when this baby was conceived and DH aware that was likely to happen, as much as you. Not sure what the conundrum is really,you tell him and you deal with it. Your expectations of the roles the siblings will assume isn't particularly realistic, they're individuals, you're not casting a play. I hope that you can work this through with DH and things work out for all of you.

Flipping hell you've both been through the mill haven't you.
I lost my DS to a life limiting condition so first of all, I'm sorry you find yourself in this difficult position.
I feel like your DH is maybe scared more than anything else. To look at just the logic, if you do test (is it amnio you would do? That can be done around 14 weeks iirc). In your shoes if I was unsure, I'd hold off for the amnio personally, and have a long chat with DH about what your worries are and making a plan about what you will do depending on the result. That's only what I would do through- that might not suit you.
I don't think it's fair to look at this new baby as a carer or support for DC2 so I'd bear that in mind if that's why you want to continue. I cared for my late sister (totally unrelated condition to DS- it was an illness) and though I wouldn't change a thing, I sacrificed so much of my childhood to look after her and I spent my 20s really dealing with those issues.
What i would say however is whether you keep the baby or you terminate, it has to be your choice. Men don't go through physical pregnancy and I know if I terminated my baby when I didn't want to but DH did, I don't think I could ever fully lose the the resentment.
If you want to pm me if you need more of a chat, please feel welcome.

OP, this sounds incredibly hard, and it’s not surprising that you and DH have come to different responses in a complex situation. It’s not a hypothetical situation, though. You are pregnant, and you get to make the choice about keeping this baby. If DH was completely opposed, he should have made sure this couldn’t happen. Please don’t let his opinion now force you into doing something you will regret.

Try to take a pause. Both of you take a deep breath and step back. Agree a time when you will discuss it again, hear each other’s fears and concerns. Try to focus on this pregnancy, not your older two children. And once the decision is mad, both of you need to commit to supporting each other through it, whatever that will mean.

You don't get pregnant to provide company and care for a disabled child. Your time will already be stretched caring for a child with additional needs. Can you honestly say hand on heart you can give all your children the time they deserve?

I can see where you are coming from and having seen a friend from my teenage years being in the position of your eldest and knowing what happened I would continue with the pregnancy. Not giving your eldest dd a sibling would be cruel

My friend had high hopes and had the potential to go far.
If circumstances had been different and he had a sibling then the least they could do would be to split the responsibility and lead a normal life with friends, going out having fun and eventually a family of their own.
Even just having someone to talk to and discuss the future with would have helped enormously.

@Kennykenkencat
'Not giving your eldest dd a sibling would be cruel'

There is so much wrong with this comment I don't even know where to begin.

Thank you we had this with DD2 and it didn’t pick up her condition :(

I don’t use any social media and yes admit we are in a not ideal situation,

DH and I DTD loosely knowing i was in my window and now I am 8-10 wks pregnant.

You can't 'loosely know' . You clearly knew but did he?

If you tricked him, that's cruel as you are now both in this awful dilemma.

How much have you both talked now about what to do next?

What comes over is that this baby was planned by you, despite what you both agreed.

That's the dilemma- he didn't want a child and you do.

It's absolutely wrong and unfair to have another child to act as a support to the eldest in caring for the disabled child.

It's not fair to lay such a heavy burden on the sibling at all, if you aren't capable of looking after your disabled child, then get outside carers in to do it.

It is utterly unfair to expect a sibling to be a carer, the oldest should be free to live their life as they want, without being guilt tripped into being a carer for a child that isn't theirs.

Crazy to be thinking about a third child , put all the resources into the two you have.

I’m in this situation and much further down the line . I had a third with middle child disabled . All now in their 30’s. It was absolutely the right thing for us , it enabled children 1 and 3 to have a “ normal “ sibling relationship, I thought it was so important for them all to be part of a biggish lively family . I didn’t want it to be one disabled child plus one not . I just wanted a happy family , and it is, we’re all very close .For us it has worked, although I do understand there are no guarantees. They are all wonderful, happy , caring young adults who adore each other and have great relationships.
As for the future , I don’t know . As with most of the parents of severely disabled children I know we are guilty of being a bit head in the sand . Largely because it is so painful to think about . I do have to take issue with those who say save money , make financial provision for the future . You would need to save hundreds of thousands of pounds if not millions to pay for care privately , way beyond most peoples means . So for now we’ll muddle along as a family , a happy family .
OP , I can’t tell you what to do but all this is based on my experiences of the last 30 odd years .

This sounds to me like ''Breeding an additional carer'' So wrong on all levels. :(

Please, please do not assume that one of your children will look after another when you are unable. You have made your own choices around this, but you have no right to make the choice for anyone else.

Totally unnecessary and rude considering OP has clarified what she meant about DC1 caring for their sibling. Bloody rude regardless of updates actually.

Ignore his fear. Have your baby.

What's the risk of child 3 having the same genetic condition?

So he's a total irrelevance in his own marriage ?.