To want a third baby? DH doesn’t and I am 10 wks pregnant

[lydiangel83]

No anti abortion haters please. DH and I DTD loosely knowing i was in my window and now I am 8-10 wks pregnant. I am one of three kids and my mum never had enough time for us, and I always said I just wanted 2 healthy kids and DH agreed. DD1 had severe health issues as a baby that she has luckily grown out of but the strain on our marriage was hard due to stress, anxiety of her health and years of lack of sleep: not to mention traumatic labour leaving me with broken coccyx.

We reluctantly agreed we didn’t want DD1 to be an only child, and ironically our own siblings have all been shit in the last 18 months so perhaps we shouldn’t have focused on giving her a sibling. But we did: and My DD2 was born with a genetic condition that is totally life limiting, she is registered disabled, and yet she’s the cutest baby around (aged 18 months but looks younger). We know the future will be hard - we have been told by professionals- we just don’t know exactly what it will look like. I’m so sick of people saying look at what you do have tho. We have lost our future as a couple; individuals and as a family - we know all the things we will never be able to do, and that she won’t work or live alone, for example.

Of course we are trying our best but we are devastated for her and for her sister who I fear will need to be her carer when we are gone. I look at DD1 sleeping at night and cry for her future; for the sibling she hasn’t got; and for everything I’ve done to keep her a happy healthy child. DD2 is our lifelong project, we love her dearly too and work really hard and spend a lot of money doing our best for her.

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2. Many parents I’ve come across with same rare condition found having a third / subsequent child very healing and selfishly I really want this too; to have all the cuddles and experiences I had with DD1 that I didn’t get with DD2 due to her horrific birth and NICU experience.

DH is totally in fear of it happening again/ anything else going wrong which I totally get. We argue loads and are not in a good place:

yet we are both turning 40 soon so time is really running out. I feel like I can cope with a third child but if DH not on board I don’t know what to do. AIBU to want It anyway and go against his wishes?

Ps DD2 condition statistically impossible to happen again and would be tested for in pregnancy

Like @MariaDingbat I have some experience of this.

DH is the younger sibling of a profoundly disabled guy. His DP divorced when DH was 13 and it affected him badly. His DM refused to allow his DF access for years and DBiL didn't see FiL again. DH got back in touch with FiL when we married. MiL died 9 years ago and DH (plus our DDs) are BiL's only family. DH really struggles and would love to be able to share the load even though BiL is in residential care.

We travelled to see DH's cousins in Europe in June. We knew their DD had a little girl but were amazed to see 4 grandchildren. Sadly their DGD2 has a genetic condition that is severe and life-limiting. The parents did not want their older DD to be the sole carer for her sister so decided to have another child - that was twin boys! Considering they had 4 kids under 4 when we visited, the parents were chilled and happy, but they get lots of family support.

Only you can decide what to do, but I think counselling might at least help you to get your thoughts in some sort of order.

I have a friend who had two dc's, one severely disabled, who was struggling to cope and found herself unexpectedly pregnant despite being on the pill. Her Mum persuaded her to continue with the pregnancy, and her third child is an absolute delight.
Her Mum also put the argument that the two non disabled siblings would likely be more supportive for each other as they will ultimately have to be responsible for their other sibling.

Hi OP I have 3 children. My eldest has quite a lot of additional support needs and can take up a lot of time. The youngest was a surprise. It’s very full on having 3 kids particularly when one has a lot of extra care needs. The first few years when my youngest arrive we’re full on and so busy. However he is about to start nursery and I finally feel like I can take a breathe. The eldest isn’t particularly close to my other 2 kids. He can be difficult to live with which means the youngest 2 tend to play together and are pretty close. Though the eldest does sometimes play with them. My eldest will most likely need extra support through his life but it has never even crossed my mind his siblings will be involved in this. I want them to have there own lives and not feel they have to support there eldest sibling. Also please stop thinking about the sibling relationships they maybe totally different people and just not get on. My dh has lots of siblings and isn’t close to any of them. I have one sibling and wouldn’t say we were particularly close though get on fine. Focus on can you and dh support and care for all 3 kids properly? Can you financially, emotionally and physically stretch to 3 kids? Also consider this baby may have additional needs too? Both my younger kids don’t have any additional support needs but we had to consider it was a possibility.

And that other willing party is quite happy to keep the baby. The opposite position from him?

And her choice is the one the over-rides anything else. What with it being her body, and all.

So now he is left with an unwanted (for him) pregnancy.

Again - what sort of man has unprotected sex with a woman during her fertile period, and then expects her to get an abortion?

Your first child had health issues which she thankfully overcame, but your second has life long limiting health difficulties. Knowing all this, you decided to have a third child? even though gentically you are more prone to having children with health issues.

I think you are a sucker for punishment.

By that logic men who don’t want children, don’t orgasm into a vagina, yet here we are…

Or they use a condom?

It's too late now of course, but you'd have been better off financially not having a third child and instead saving more for dd2s future. Now though, assuming the third child doesn't have anything wrong which given you're 40 the odds are higher that they might, then you've got two children to help through school, driving lessons, university, renting etc. It's a lot of money, twice. And saving for dd2 on top of that. I hope you both earn a lot and that your husband doesn't leave from the stress. You've also got the problem now too that inheritance needs split 3 ways, not 2, or is all inheritance going to go to dd2s needs and the other two get nothing?

As I say it's too late now, you're pregnant and not going to have an abortion. But I don't think you've thought this through, unless of course you are very well off (you're going to need to be!), then maybe finances aren't a problem. Although it's time with each child that will be limited too, especially with dd2s needs. Now any time dd1 gets with you will need halved for the baby.

I’m not entirely sure why the DH is getting all the blame here for the OP being pregnant?

They are both equally responsible for the fact they had sex during the OP’s fertile period.

Exactly. It’s pretty easy for a man to not get a woman pregnant.

Some real fucking pricks on this thread who can't grasp what it's actually like to have a child with disabilities and all the worries that keep you up at night when you do. I mean, flippantly comparing someone's obviously difficult life to a shitty novel? Disgraceful responses.

For what its worth OP, I wouldn't have a third baby in your situation, for all sorts of reasons. You might end up with PND which will make it really hard to give your all to your daughters.

I understand why you long for baby #3, but as PP have said There are no guarantees in life. I'm one of three and I don't speak to one at all, not close to the other either. Certainly wouldn't be the main carer in the absence of my parents.

You're not unreasonable to want your third and abortions are traumatic, if you are already emotionally invested which it sounds you are. It takes two and if hubby knew you this was a possibility he could have taken responsibility to avoid it too. I think having a third is a hot topic anyway with some people saying how hard it is while others find it a breeze, but your situation is unique and complex. Have a chat with Marie Stopes/Bupa counselling services maybe and see if that helps you? I'd be concerned if you terminate you might resent hubby.

Because he alone is responsible for where he orgasms. He decided it would feel nicer to orgasm inside her vagina. Now he doesn’t want to deal with the consequences, whereas OP has no choice, she either faces the potential trauma of an abortion, or goes through pregnancy and child birth.

I think you’d be mad to continue personally. I see voting is 50/50 though so I guess it really is just a totally personal decision that you’ve got to make. Sending you the very best wishes.

If you’re already struggling with DD2, a pregnancy and then another child will only give you less time for her and her needs.

Both of your previous pregnancies have resulted in children with significant health issues. I personally couldn’t risk it.

As usual people are picking apart and judging your choice of words. It's a really difficult situation for you to be in. I think if your DH is absolutely clear that he doesn't want another child, then the marriage is likely to break down if you go ahead. However, if pushed into a termination you do not want, it's equally likely that you will call time on the relationship at some later point. I'm just so sorry your life is so hard, really. All I can say on the subject of having three kids is that it can be very hard even with three fairly healthy kids, but it is also nice that they always have a companion.

Did you miss the bit where they each want different outcomes?

The OP would like the keep the baby.

The man who ejaculated without using protection does not want to keep the baby.

What did he (and you, for that matter) think was going to happen? That she’d just roll over and have an abortion each and every time?

How long have you know about the pregnancy for? You knew you was in your window and are 10 weeks. Was there a bit of head in the sand here or did you know about the pregnancy from missed period. I just ask because 10 weeks feels to me a long time to wait if you have know since week 4/5.

I have just myself been in the agonising place over trying to decide if to keep a pregnancy or not. I knew from 4 weeks. I honestly can't imagine the mental stamina going another 6 weeks would require and still not be at a decision. Are you just hoping to get to week 12 and then abortion isn't really an option?

Your family situation is complex and individual to you and your family. I feel you all could use help maybe via family therapy and learning to live and flourish with dd2 condition. I understand this costs money. Is there a charity associated with the condition that could help?

As to sliblings and their relationships pros and cons. This is outwith our control as parents. We should have children for ourselves. Not for our children. When we do it for them we do it with an expectation. Like friendship and support later in life. This is not something as you know due to disability of dd2 can be controlled.

I think you want this child. As previous poster mentioned why didn't DH get the snip if he didn't want anymore. He sounds like his primary concern is another disability. Talk to each. Arrange a therapy session together if you can't on your own. No one on mumsnet is living your life. Make the decision you and your family can live with.

I just don't understand why people here who think having a disabled sibling is so terrible. What's wrong with caring for a sibling? If they wouldn't be caring for a disabled person, would their life be perfect? No! Everybody has a something that has the potential to make them very very happy and other things, if focused on, to make them feel lowest of low. As human beings we have responsibilities in life and we make sacrifices.Your DD will be a better person should she be raised with some sense of duty to her sibling too. I am doing that with my disabled and able kids.
I had a third DC at 40 with the hope they will be a support to their two older siblings(one disabled) and am overwhelmed with the love they have for each other.
You'd have more support here if you were the one for the abortion and your DH was the one wanting to keep the baby!

IMO you’ve been a bit selfish. To have another child to get the cuddles and love like you did the first time around seems a bit self centred. It sounds like your life is stressful enough let alone with another child who even if totally healthy, will be hard work if your DH isn’t on board. What if they also have issues not found on scans etc due to you being older? Would you cope with a third child with issues? Also, if your DH didn’t want another and you say you’re in a bad place, why let it happen?!

I’d have a serious chat with your DH and consider your options before this pregnancy goes any further.

OP have you had any genetic counselling? There is some very dodgy statistics being used here, from what is posted your two children have unrelated health problems neither of which increase the risk for your third. Just extremely bad luck, which happens.

I know one women who had another child after her 2nd had a life limiting diagnosis, so there was hope, something to keep working towards. Having a baby in these circumstances is always going to be emotional.

You are pregnant now, your husband played a willing part in this (he could have used contraception but chose not to). Either having an abortion or not places risks to your marriage, you have to have some honest discussion, maybe with a counsellor to provide a safe space.

It’s not DD1’s job to be a future carer for her sister and it’s massively unreasonable to bring her up with the burden of expectation that she will be. That’s a recipe for resentment and dysfunction.

It’s not the responsibility of any child to care for a sibling. I understand you want to create a protected future for your dd2, but involving dd1 or potential dc3 as carers is just wrong. We don’t create children to fulfil our purposes for them.

I can understand both you and dh’s position, I don’t think there is a correct answer, but I do think you need to examine your motivations around carers for dd2

OP didn't get pregnant on her own.

Jeez. totally avoidable situation op.

I had my tubes tied when I realised the extent of my precious lads autism. I really wanted a third child as well not knew that another autistic child would break us. You have to prioritise existing children over the hypothetical you can’t always have what you want especially where’re it comes to other children’s welfare.

I think you need to look at the impact of
another child on your existing children and consider how a marriage breakdown works affect them.

We all have different reasons for wanting children. We live in fantasy worlds thinking it will be like this or that. You know more than most, life isn’t like that.
Try to accept life as it is now. Another child would be a blessing just for being who they are. Only you can decide what to do.