To want a third baby? DH doesn’t and I am 10 wks pregnant

[lydiangel83]

No anti abortion haters please. DH and I DTD loosely knowing i was in my window and now I am 8-10 wks pregnant. I am one of three kids and my mum never had enough time for us, and I always said I just wanted 2 healthy kids and DH agreed. DD1 had severe health issues as a baby that she has luckily grown out of but the strain on our marriage was hard due to stress, anxiety of her health and years of lack of sleep: not to mention traumatic labour leaving me with broken coccyx.

We reluctantly agreed we didn’t want DD1 to be an only child, and ironically our own siblings have all been shit in the last 18 months so perhaps we shouldn’t have focused on giving her a sibling. But we did: and My DD2 was born with a genetic condition that is totally life limiting, she is registered disabled, and yet she’s the cutest baby around (aged 18 months but looks younger). We know the future will be hard - we have been told by professionals- we just don’t know exactly what it will look like. I’m so sick of people saying look at what you do have tho. We have lost our future as a couple; individuals and as a family - we know all the things we will never be able to do, and that she won’t work or live alone, for example.

Of course we are trying our best but we are devastated for her and for her sister who I fear will need to be her carer when we are gone. I look at DD1 sleeping at night and cry for her future; for the sibling she hasn’t got; and for everything I’ve done to keep her a happy healthy child. DD2 is our lifelong project, we love her dearly too and work really hard and spend a lot of money doing our best for her.

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2. Many parents I’ve come across with same rare condition found having a third / subsequent child very healing and selfishly I really want this too; to have all the cuddles and experiences I had with DD1 that I didn’t get with DD2 due to her horrific birth and NICU experience.

DH is totally in fear of it happening again/ anything else going wrong which I totally get. We argue loads and are not in a good place:

yet we are both turning 40 soon so time is really running out. I feel like I can cope with a third child but if DH not on board I don’t know what to do. AIBU to want It anyway and go against his wishes?

Ps DD2 condition statistically impossible to happen again and would be tested for in pregnancy

I think that poster is referring to the unborn DC3, rather than DC1.

Still not really sure what she means by DC3 being a role model….

"Breeding an additional carer" - fucking insensitive and stupid and not at all what OP said.

Whenever anyone talks about having any hopes or dreams for the experience of having a future child they are totally jumped on on here. Despite OP having shown that even should the child be faced with significant challenge she will love it and that she has been dealing effectively with the practical problems thrown up by illness. Having positive thoughts about having a baby is not the same as romanticising - almost everyone on here will have done it, they just react badly to the language when someone else does it.

The likelihood of OP's third child also being unwell is not high. For everyone who says they aren't close to their siblings there's another who is - like me; I love my parents very much but in many ways my relationships with my siblings are more significant.

OP, if you want a third now and your family doesn't feel complete I would do it. If not all your thoughts are coming from a rational place, I don't think all your DH's fear is rational either.

I'm sorry, but I think you're being unfair to your oldest daughter with the assumption she'll just have to pick up the 'carer' status slack if needs must.

She has no obligation whatsoever to do this.

And to have a third child with the expectation/hope that she'll be there to support your first child is absurd. You and your DH's relationships with your own siblings should tell you that.

You already struggle to have enough time and attention and potentially resources to give to your first child because of her younger sibling's needs. To add another child to the mix because you couldn't be arsed to take precautions is mind boggling. Please think long and hard about proceeding with the pregnancy and make sure you know what it would look like as a single parent if you do. I'd also frankly look at what it would look like if your first born and third born opt to live with your husband in the event of a divorce....

I think that poster is referring to the unborn DC3, rather than DC1

She is. It's still an awful thing to say.

I'd also frankly look at what it would look like if your first born and third born opt to live with your husband in the event of a divorce

God, so nasty. Why do I even bother reading these posts, they're so clearly just an excuse for people to dump their own shit on vulnerable posters.

I'm so sorry OP, you sound to be in a terrible situation.

Sorry to reiterate that you are in this situation because of a total lack of real planning or forethought, but it's a factor here. It's no use just hoping it will all be okay because there is a reasonable chance it won't be. For a start it's not going to be easy to cope with a new baby with the children you already have.

You need to have a serious conversation and make a plan, and you must be governed by what is practical - let your head rule, not your heart (or your hormones) and you must absolutely listen to your DHs point of view, and if he gives good reasons for termination (which, let's face it is what we are talking about here) then you must give them a proper hearing at least.

Children are a responsibility, not a 'right', and you must give your two DCs the best life you possibly can, even if that involves a heartbreaking decision.

I guess @WudYouSayItInRealLife is expressing a ‘harsh but fair’ comment and of course termination remains an option

My experience is that having a third child really helped with the family dynamic as my middle autistic DS2 couldn’t ‘take over’ every aspect and made sure the other two were also prioritised. It gave DS1 a more typical sibling relationship. It gave DS2 role models and built in friends. It was good for DS2. These were the positives.

The negatives. It was really hard, really hard! Especially when DS3 was a toddler. I was pulled in so many directions. My whole life revolved around the boys. My H didn’t get a look in. He couldn’t cope with the constant drudgery and he left when DS2 was 11. So I’m now a single parent with no career, just a succession of jobs which I can fit in around my carer role.

DS1 and 3 don’t really like DS2, they tolerate him. No way will they become his carers. They both went to university, DS1 moved 100 miles away afterwards, DS3 still at uni with no intention of coming home. I’m stuck with caring for DS2, he doesn’t meet the criteria for a funded placement despite an EHCP and getting PIP. He’s just a bit too able. My situation has put off any further relationships.

Think very carefully. Look at the short, medium and long term.

I am generally anti abortion for reasons like this - your pregnancy was completely avoidable. The options you have left this poor baby with - a being killed because it's incompatible with your life

Why is it ok to 'kill a baby' if the op wasnt careless with her cycle?

I would suggest you take your forced birth views and go away, they're offensive.
Not your body, not your choice.

OP, what a thought situation you're in.

I can only relate to the decision whether or not to continue with a third pregnancy (against DPs 'wishes'). As an only child myself, my dream was to have a big loving family... so we had 2 DC and were thinking about a third and weren't using contraception, only calendar method.

I got pregnant, my DP was suddenly dead set against another DC and I felt tremendously guilty, torn, upset for getting pregnant AND I knew I wasn't going to cope mentally with an abortion for something I so desperately wanted.

DP (and his family) bullied me until the 24 week threshold to have an abortion. It was HELL. Still, I kept the baby, risking breaking up our whole family. It was scary and I felt so alone and I'm still shaking a when I think back to it, but I made a plan on how to cope as a single mum of 3.

I remember we were sitting in the abortion clinic or Marie Stopes center and the counsellor said: it's so sad you both love each other but either way you'll break up your marriage.

So it was a very difficult time and I feel for you and send you so much love and strength because your situation seems additionally complicated.

These questions stand out:

Can you cope as a single mum?
Can you get your DH on board?
Can you give all 3 kids the 1-0-1 care and attention they crave and need? (This is very hard with 3 kids...)
Are your finances in order for this? I'd want to have a substantial income to make all this more pleasant.

Look after yourself, you can get through this

I wasn't trying to be nasty. I have seen that exact scenario play out with a distant cousin's family. It was awful for everyone involved, and I think OP really does need to look at all the potential outcomes if she does/doesn't go through with a pregnancy in their current circumstances.

harsh? yes some posters seem harsh because it seems that what was required here was "oh you're so right, OP, your other children can be carers when you've gone and even though you're at the end of your tether already and your DH is against it you should totally have another child without a second thought"

The harsh reality is that this is not a good idea and at the very least what is needed is some very very good advice from experts.

But also, people , especially this poster

I wouldn't expect DD1 to be carer but I'm a doctor and I see a lot of siblings fill that role and it's lovely to see how caring and protective their relationship can be.

might want to read what @Chuckles19 wrote and ask themselves if they honestly wish that kind of life on their child. Hand on heart? I wouldn't. Much love to you, though Chuckles for doing it.

And much empathy and sympathy to the OP. Because whatever comes next is hard. Very hard.

It's clearly your choice.

You both had early options. Your DH a vasectomy, condom, you MAP.
DH should schedule a vasectomy if he is serious about not wanting anymore children. He is old enough to know better.

You chances of having a seriously ill or disabled child is pretty high. How risky is this pregnancy to your life?

I do think you're grieving in some ways and some counseling would be the way to go regardless of whether you have this baby or not. I think this is key for you.

Have you considered residential care for DC2 at all?

All the best OP

Good god. Stop with the " You are killing your poor baby" anti abortion agenda. It's a bunch of cells. OP has enough to deal with without being made to feel guilty.

Absolutely shocking, @FlyBe Why didn't your pig of a husband wear a bloody condom or get a vasectomy? How dare he put all the responsibility for that pregnancy on you.

I'd also frankly look at what it would look like if your first born and third born opt to live with your husband in the event of a divorce

God, so nasty. Why do I even bother reading these posts, they're so clearly just an excuse for people to dump their own shit on vulnerable posters.

Well, although it seems harsh - this is AIBU and OP really really needs to think very hard about all possible outcomes. we all know from friends, family and on here that a DH who is against having a child isn't always the best partner & father when that (unwanted by him) child arrives, although many do forge a relationship (that they have been forced into - notwithstanding all the "it takes too" etc, and it is every woman's absolute right to decide what to do with her body)

The saddest thing in your post is that you’re assuming your eldest daughter will be a carer. That’s so unfair. You need to make other arrangements for the future

I've reported the poster with 'abortion but only when I agree with it'

Ah we could be in Texas. Reporting your post.

wow look at you, you dont know when to stop do you?

I have reported as well

None of us can answer this question for you. It's up to you and your DH.

Yep that picture is “not in the spirit of the site” for sure. Hope it gets removed before op sees it.

Have you told your husband about the pregnancy OP, sorry if I've missed that you have/haven't. If not then I think that's where you need to start. It takes two to tango and he is as much responsible for you being pregnant as you are. You know that ideally you really need his support to make things work so you really need to start by talking to him.

You need serious genetic counselling and perhaps testing done. At the moment you do not have enough information to make a proper decision and you'll be as hormonal as get-out!