To want a third baby? DH doesn’t and I am 10 wks pregnant

[lydiangel83]

No anti abortion haters please. DH and I DTD loosely knowing i was in my window and now I am 8-10 wks pregnant. I am one of three kids and my mum never had enough time for us, and I always said I just wanted 2 healthy kids and DH agreed. DD1 had severe health issues as a baby that she has luckily grown out of but the strain on our marriage was hard due to stress, anxiety of her health and years of lack of sleep: not to mention traumatic labour leaving me with broken coccyx.

We reluctantly agreed we didn’t want DD1 to be an only child, and ironically our own siblings have all been shit in the last 18 months so perhaps we shouldn’t have focused on giving her a sibling. But we did: and My DD2 was born with a genetic condition that is totally life limiting, she is registered disabled, and yet she’s the cutest baby around (aged 18 months but looks younger). We know the future will be hard - we have been told by professionals- we just don’t know exactly what it will look like. I’m so sick of people saying look at what you do have tho. We have lost our future as a couple; individuals and as a family - we know all the things we will never be able to do, and that she won’t work or live alone, for example.

Of course we are trying our best but we are devastated for her and for her sister who I fear will need to be her carer when we are gone. I look at DD1 sleeping at night and cry for her future; for the sibling she hasn’t got; and for everything I’ve done to keep her a happy healthy child. DD2 is our lifelong project, we love her dearly too and work really hard and spend a lot of money doing our best for her.

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2. Many parents I’ve come across with same rare condition found having a third / subsequent child very healing and selfishly I really want this too; to have all the cuddles and experiences I had with DD1 that I didn’t get with DD2 due to her horrific birth and NICU experience.

DH is totally in fear of it happening again/ anything else going wrong which I totally get. We argue loads and are not in a good place:

yet we are both turning 40 soon so time is really running out. I feel like I can cope with a third child but if DH not on board I don’t know what to do. AIBU to want It anyway and go against his wishes?

Ps DD2 condition statistically impossible to happen again and would be tested for in pregnancy

It doesn't come across very well trying to rationalise the "pros" of having this baby, and the ways in which it might step up and save your whole family.

I know ultimately there's no "good" reason to have a baby, but I feel like if you are going to keep it, it has to be purely because you'll love this child for themselves, like any other child.

I have read it carefully thanks @user1477391263 . The OP says “her sister who I fear will need to be her carer when we are gone”

DD1 will not “need to be” her carer. Parental resignation/acceptance of this as a “will need to be” certainty will not help DD1’s life chances.

This sounds like one of those ghastly Jodi Picoult novels like ‘My Sister’s Keeper’. Please don’t raise your daughter with the expectation she will be your other child’s carer!!! And definitely don’t expect her to be a carer or assistant in her siblings care while she grows up.

If the disabled sibling is unable to ever live alone you will have to start planning for that eventually now, and looking to getting her set up in a residential care home when she is older. Her sister CANNOT be expected to take up this role.

I would say keep the baby, but your motivations for having it are really unethical. I think you need some counselling alone and joint therapy. You cannot raise your poor daughter with the expectation she will be her sister’s carer, that’s beyond awful.

But you’re already pregnant so it is a different dialogue. I didn’t want a 4th child. I wanted to go back to work and my relationship with my ex wasn’t in a good place. But I got pregnant and couldn’t abort. I did consider it but couldn’t . I’m glad I didn’t.

It sounds like you really want this baby so I can’t see how you can terminate it.

And I can also see how you want some siblings to support each other but please don’t make it their responsibility to do so.

Totally agree with this.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but I find it disturbing how you are planning out your own children's futures which are to just be there for their other siblings... That's not why you have more children.

Thanks all for your responses and sorry if the original post wasn’t clear: in no way to I expect DD1 to become a carer for her sister, we actively are planning for that not to happen and financially planning/ worrying about it already. But as others have said this can happen in these situations and she is already a gentle, kind and loving big sister. I would actively encourage her to move to a Australia or do anything she wants as an adult, she deserves to be happy.

I also don’t ‘expect’ anything from an unborn child. The question of ‘what happens if something goes wrong’ is the one that we can’t get our head around though. I think I’d be totally broken. I guess I had the same images of family life in my head as everyone else, but it was not meant to be for us. My DH fears that DD2 will get less resources but I guess I feel able to give her time and energy even if we had another.

Ultimately I don’t want to be a single mum of 3 kids, one of which has real additional needs. I guess I will have to always live with a what if scenario and focus inwards on the two beautiful girls that I do have.

What a difficult situation.

I know it's hard but I think you need to try to unpick being pregnant from your situation with your two children.
Counselling is a good idea, by yourself and possibly with your partner?
You definitely need to talk to him. It is your body and your decision ultimately, but of course there's a chance that what you decide will affect your relationship and everything going forward. This could be very difficult with a disabled child I imagine?

I have a disabled relative who has one sibling. The sibling was involved in care/decisions about relatives future in their twenties. But being the sibling of a severely disabled person definitely impacted their childhood/adolescence and ultimately relationship with their parents. They moved abroad in their thirties and now their parents are old, my sibling and I are having to take on some of the responsibilities for disabled relative (which we're happy to).
I've said all this as a way of saying- I think I get it OP. It's really difficult being the sibling of a severely disabled person. Especially if you're the only sibling perhaps. I know there's a chance child 3 and child 1 won't be particularly close, but they may well be.

I think if you do proceed with the pregnancy, in fact either way, family counselling is really important. As is time for your first child to have space away from their sibling, as so often the entire family dynamic is dominated by the disabled child understandably but that can be difficult for the other child.

You’re right I used the wrong words I should’ve not said ‘need to be’ as we will work hard to ensure this won’t happen and I would never ask it of DD1. I wrote it in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep.

First of all, I’m so sorry for the difficulties and pain that you’ve gone/going through OP. Bottom line is that you’re already pregnant so really the question is could you go it alone if needed? Keeping a baby against your husbands wishes, in an already rocky marriage, is likely not going to end well. It is absolutely your choice, he knew the risks too, but it may not lead to a positive outcome in the long run for your relationship.

In terms of the other things you’ve said regarding your children's roles, and the reasons for wanting another child, I think your pain and upset over the reality of your situation Vs what you wanted/thought it would be is clouding your judgement somewhat. Children are not born into roles you define or determine and life will already be incredibly difficult for both of your children for different reasons. It would no doubt be hard for DC3 also. Gently, I think therapy would be really beneficial for you to work through some of these complex feelings.

Thank you for reading my message as it was intended and for sharing your experience

If you want your baby, keep it, otherwise you will regret it and the bitterness might break up your marriage anyway.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through but sounds like you're coping amazingly. GL x

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2

I'm going to be blunt: that is a shit thing to do to a child. When you die are you expecting them to have the millstone of siblings to look after?
Very irresponsible to DTD knowing your chances of pregnancy were higher. slow handclap

Wishing you luck though.

I would not have this baby in your position. I have a disabled DD and a DS. You may feel gung- ho now but think of how you will feel in 15 years, with elderly parents, work and possibly menopausal issues, plus yr DDs. I am relieved I stuck with two. As it is DD's issues have consumed our lives and been financially very difficult. DS has not had the attention he deserves. Neither will your third child perhaps.

I agree with this.
Pp should not be encouraging you to have an abortion when it is not what you want in your heart. You are pregnant, the choice is yours and only yours. you must do what feels right for you or you will live with the pain of aborting a wanted pregnancy forever. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
you sound incredibly brave and a wonderful mum. Sorry for all that you have been through/ are going through
x

Sorry for the stress you have had.

I think having a child with the idea that it will fulfil a carers role and provide (cannot guarantee this) a positive birth experience for you is a terrible reason. I can completely understand the desire but with two children already, you know the strain that brings.
I would begin testing immediately and if you go ahead with the pregnancy, seriously adjust your expectations of that child because they will feel it and resent you.

Children shouldn’t have to bear the responsibility of adults contraceptive mishaps.

Pp should not be encouraging you to have an abortion when it is not what you want in your heart.

Nobody is saying "you must have an abortion" but if we are not allowed to give the OP any kind of advice or information, she has to hear the uncomfortable truths of the position. Her DH doesn't want a 3rd child, and I'm with him. they got pregnant, practically predictably and that is their fault. But they are already in difficulties with 2 children, one of whom may or may not be being brought up (even subconciously) to see themself as their younger sibling's keeper when the parents can't. That is no life for a child. And now DC3 might have to be an emotional support human for them?

Abort or not, that is down to OP, but pie-in-the-sky thinking helps nobody. Sometimes a bit of straight talking, even while we have deep sympathy for and empathy with the OP.

@Paslaptis don’t be naive; people who don’t want to be pregnant won’t be having unprotected sex during their fertile window.

This is a very harsh post.

The OP is already pregnant. It's her body, her choice. She is an extremely difficult situation with her disabled child and strained marriage. It is understandable and human that she is confused and not sure what to do. It's also understandable for her to think it would be good for her family for there to be two children who aren't disabled. In my experience, single siblings to disabled people can feel extremely isolated. I don't see why there's something more troubling about that than any person wanting to provide a sibling to existing children. And yes, it's more complicated with the rocky marriage and care for disabled child, but OP is pregnant and it's her choice- and whatever she decides to do will be the right choice and they will make it work.

I find the "slow handclap" comment shockingly lacking in empathy.

OP, I think maybe it's easier for people with experience of living with family members with disabilities to understand your thoughts. I do hope you research getting some counselling as soon as possible (online counselling means it's much easier now to find someone quickly).

Also wanted to add, I grew up with a family of 4, with one profoundly disabled child.

I think it was a lot easier on the other kids having a disabled brother (whom they loved!) because they also had each other. And when they are older they can help out/decide on care together and it won't just fall on one person.

Having a sibling could well be easier on DD1.

*4 children

DH and I DTD loosely knowing i was in my window and now I am 8-10 wks pregnant

what is the deception? Looks like dh knew as well as op on her timings.

And guessing as he has 2 dc, he knows how it works

You need to totally not think about what you want and instead think about the children here.

You have a dd1 who is consciously or unconsciously going to be expected to fall into the role of carer. You are expecting a dc3 who will consciously or subconsciously be expected to fall into the role as carer.

Even if you have made provision for your child’s future when they’re an adult, the fact is that your other children are going to fall into caring roles, the very fact you all live under the same roof makes it impossible for that not to happen.

And what about them? Will they be able to have childhoods? There are plenty of posters on the SN boards whose dc’s disabilities are so severe that their NT children are unable to e.g. ever have friends over, ever go on a family holiday. And there are plenty of adults on MN who have been the siblings of disabled children.

And you already have one child who was seriously ill as a baby, and another one who has severe life limiting conditions. It sounds to me as if you’re hoping for the perfect baby this time, but life isn’t perfect. You could end up with another seriously ill baby, or one with a disability which can’t be tested for, or one which is perfect as a baby but who grows into a resentful child/adult because of the childhood they have been born into.

People who say that you will regret having a termination are possibly right. But at the moment this is no longer about what you want. If you have this baby it needs to be because you feel this baby will have the chance of a wonderful life. Simply wanting another baby in these circumstances just isn’t enough.

I think you should do what you want to do, knowing that you could be doing it alone.

That’s assuming though that dc3 isn’t also disabled.

The OP’s first child had some serious illness as a baby and her second child is profoundly disabled. The odds are stacked against her at this point.

What a difficult position to be in. I think you need to find someone compassionate to listen to you and to work through this with you. Both for now, so that you can make the right decision for your family and in the long term so that you can have the support you need to come to terms with the situation you find yourself in. Having a baby will an illness takes a toll on parents and their relationship. Having a child with life long challenges is a whole extra level of burden to bear. It can be important to have somewhere totally outside of all of this where no body needs anything from you and you can be truly open about your thoughts and feelings. You and your husband need each other to play a role to support the family structure and it can be really hard to be totally honest and open especially when those thoughts might be hurtful to the other person. It can be useful to take space and tease those thoughts out, work through them and only share when you have played it through yourself.

Wishing you wise counsel on your journey.