To want a third baby? DH doesn’t and I am 10 wks pregnant

[lydiangel83]

No anti abortion haters please. DH and I DTD loosely knowing i was in my window and now I am 8-10 wks pregnant. I am one of three kids and my mum never had enough time for us, and I always said I just wanted 2 healthy kids and DH agreed. DD1 had severe health issues as a baby that she has luckily grown out of but the strain on our marriage was hard due to stress, anxiety of her health and years of lack of sleep: not to mention traumatic labour leaving me with broken coccyx.

We reluctantly agreed we didn’t want DD1 to be an only child, and ironically our own siblings have all been shit in the last 18 months so perhaps we shouldn’t have focused on giving her a sibling. But we did: and My DD2 was born with a genetic condition that is totally life limiting, she is registered disabled, and yet she’s the cutest baby around (aged 18 months but looks younger). We know the future will be hard - we have been told by professionals- we just don’t know exactly what it will look like. I’m so sick of people saying look at what you do have tho. We have lost our future as a couple; individuals and as a family - we know all the things we will never be able to do, and that she won’t work or live alone, for example.

Of course we are trying our best but we are devastated for her and for her sister who I fear will need to be her carer when we are gone. I look at DD1 sleeping at night and cry for her future; for the sibling she hasn’t got; and for everything I’ve done to keep her a happy healthy child. DD2 is our lifelong project, we love her dearly too and work really hard and spend a lot of money doing our best for her.

I want a DC3 to be a sibling/ support to DD1 and a role model/ friend to DD2. Many parents I’ve come across with same rare condition found having a third / subsequent child very healing and selfishly I really want this too; to have all the cuddles and experiences I had with DD1 that I didn’t get with DD2 due to her horrific birth and NICU experience.

DH is totally in fear of it happening again/ anything else going wrong which I totally get. We argue loads and are not in a good place:

yet we are both turning 40 soon so time is really running out. I feel like I can cope with a third child but if DH not on board I don’t know what to do. AIBU to want It anyway and go against his wishes?

Ps DD2 condition statistically impossible to happen again and would be tested for in pregnancy

@lydiangel83 im sorry about the difficulties you've had/had with DD's 1&2. It is totally understandable that you want to 'try again' & hope for a well child without complications.

However, putting aside everything else, as it's not relevant, YOU are pregnant, this is YOUR decision. He stopped having a say in whether there was a DC3 or not when he had unprotected sex with you.

He might walk away, but he might do that if you terminate DC3 as well.

We fully plan on ensuring DD2’s life is as financially secure and independent and full as we can be without reliance on our biological family

Unless DD2 can live independently as an adult, you cannot do that, unless you are so wealthy as to be able to pay for all care, for the rest of her life! Even a cheap care home could be £1,000 per week - that’s £52,000 pa x her life expectancy! Way beyond what most parents can afford! Otherwise, she will be at the mercy of the vagaries of public funding for care, which depend on the ideology of the government - listening to the Tories, their rhetoric and squeeze on public spending, suggests to me, they would like to throw care back onto families!

Even if DD were to be in a care home, advocacy and support from the family is still likely to be needed in my experience, because otherwise the tendency is for everyone else in their life like the care home, Social Services and the NHS to think of their own best interests (ie saving money), not DD’s. Look at the last two years of Covid 19! Then there is the social and emotional aspect - residents in care homes still need a family life. The problem is that the healthy siblings are likely to be juggling (full time) careers, children, the housework, etc. They may not have the time and energy to have a sibling with a life limiting condition home for birthdays, Easter, Christmas, an annual holiday, etc!

In your situation I would side with your DH personally but as the pregnant woman, it’s your body so completely your choice. If I had a profoundly disabled child I wouldn’t want another child at all. You’re already placing unfair expectations on the unborn third child by suggesting they will be some sort of role model/support network for your existing children. They won’t be that, they’ll just be a regular human being with needs of their own.

Your marriage is already, shall we say, rocky so unsure why you decided to have unprotected sex but there you go. I think a third child would break you by the sound of things, not bring you closer.

@TheSummerPalace

Much of what you say resonates with me about the care system- however, I don't understand how that's meant to help the OP? Or perhaps it's more a general comment?

She has a disabled child already. She's explained she's trying to plan ahead for her care and I'm sure understands the vagaries and unreliability of the care system.

Ok the siblings may not want to have their disabled sibling home for Christmas- but they might? Equally, I might have time to see my (non disabled) sibling- or I might not?

I almost feel like in some posts, not yours Summers, that there's an implication that the disabled child is purely a burden for the family. A suggestion that the parents should place zero expectations on their other child developing a loving sibling relationship with the disabled child for fear that they will be involved, out of guilt not love, in their life as an adult in the way that a family member of a disabled adult in care is (worried about their well-being, involved in some decision making perhaps, having a family relationship...). There's no guarantee of knowing how the sibling relationship will work out but I do find some of the tone pretty ableist and unaccepting of the existence of disabled people within families.

It can be difficult having disabled relatives but it is also ups and downs like any human relationship.

He may, but in one scenario she’s ‘only’ looking at being a single parent to two children, rather than being a single parent to three. It absolutely is her decision to make, and part of making a decsion is considering the consequences.

at a time when the cost of living is through the roof, and in a world where men routinely manage to avoid paying maintenance, she absolutely has to assess her capabilities should the worst case scenario occur. People like to say ‘you’ll cope, you’ll find a way’ when they’re not the ones facing the situation themselves, and without any thought to the realities. ‘Following your heart’ can absolutely be disastrous and result in jettisoning a life that, whilst not perfect, was at least manageable. It’s not just OP’s life either, but the lives of her two children.

Do what you like but own your decision. You're having a third child going into one of the toughest financial crises we will ever live through. You're going to be paying for a family of five. Do it but don't moan if it works out as being more expensive than you thought!

This isn’t about only children v having 2 or 3 or more children

This is about primarily a certain set of circumstances that could come to pass.

A young adult having someone to talk to or discuss issues with that only those that are in the household would understand.
Even if the sibling wasn’t interested and gave an opinion that wasn’t something that sounded right. It would be an opinion that would produce a reaction. Or the opinion would produce a reaction of reassurance or a reaction of “that’s a better idea”
Or even if the relationship wasn’t close just to know if things got too much there was someone else there.

The word cruel was something that my friend used to describe their parents being too old to have another child (it wasn’t that his parents were cruel it was the circumstances and timing that was cruel for not being able to have a sibling)

Not having a sibling to step in for 50% of the week so they could both go out and do what 20 somethings do 3/4 nights per week each would have given him a different life from one where he was a prisoner in his own home after work. Not able to leave because there was no one else to help or step in. That was really hard on him

Others on this thread in a similar situation were able to establish a life outside of the family and even have their own families before they had to step into the role of parent and take responsibility for their sibling.

I wonder what would be the outcome if they had to step into f/t parenting role straight after Uni with no time off

Thankyou so much for saying this.
This is a sister a son a daughter a wife.they aren't a big bag of meat we're told to look after as it festers in the corner making life misery intruding on our lives .it may not look like the lifespan of other or the life plan. But god,you don't no love like it.a families much stronger