To be realy put out by this from a friend?

50mg · 2022-07-23T11:50:58+00:00

We've had a trip planned for months. It's to go to a specific event, I.e. there won't be another opportunity. Friend has just messaged to say adult son is planning a birthday party for his wife that evening, so friend can't come. Apparently friend has only just been told. Event is in 2 weeks. I know family is important, upsetting DIL can be a bit of a minefield (although they don't seem to have that issue here) but AIBU to think that if someone invites you to a party with 2 weeks notice, they'll have to accept you might have plans. Or are parents, even of adult children, not allowed to have plans? Would you have cancelled for DIL's birthday? Should I be all understanding or is it reasonable to let them know I'm not entirely happy with the decision? FWIW it's quite a niche activity, there's not someone else who would want to come with me.

Perple · 23/07/2022 12:51

Yep I’d be annoyed!

TalkingToMyselfAgain · 23/07/2022 12:52

I'd be very annoyed.

gold22 · 23/07/2022 12:53

You're not being unreasonable to be annoyed but your friend is in a bit of a sticky position! I imagine she doesn't want to cancel you but probably feels like she has to go to DIL birthday for the sake of family relations!

RhubarbCheekbones · 23/07/2022 12:53

Is it not something you can do or attend alone?

I’d probably be mildly annoyed if you actually need another person.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 23/07/2022 12:54

Are you sure that your friend wanted to go to this "niche activity"?

godmum56 · 23/07/2022 12:54

I think your response depends on how much you want to keep the friend and how apologetic she was, so I won't vote...

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 23/07/2022 12:55

It’s a really specific situation, not sure anyone can say what they would do. Depends on the relationship with her son and DIL, whether it’s a big birthday and basically how much she wants to go to the birthday vs how much she wants to go to your event.

It’s annoying given you were looking forward to it with her but she’s given as much notice as she could. I wouldn’t kick off, it wouldn’t achieve anything. Maybe a ‘Oh that’s a shame! Hopefully next year instead’.

Original poster

50mg · 23/07/2022 12:57

TheLadyofShalott1 · 23/07/2022 12:54

Are you sure that your friend wanted to go to this "niche activity"?

Yes definitely, it was their idea.

The story I'm getting is that they're devastated to miss event, but can't do anything about it. I think (and I also have adult sons) they could have said "sorry son, that's really short notice, I can't make it".

OP posts:

pictish · 23/07/2022 13:00

I agree with you. She could have politely declined the party if she wanted to. No one would have held it against her.
She’s had a better offer. Rude.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 23/07/2022 13:02

50mg · 23/07/2022 12:57

Yes definitely, it was their idea.

The story I'm getting is that they're devastated to miss event, but can't do anything about it. I think (and I also have adult sons) they could have said "sorry son, that's really short notice, I can't make it".

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Sadly the fact is she'd rather go to the party than the event with you. At least now you know how little she values going with you.

misskatamari · 23/07/2022 13:04

I'd be really annoyed to.

And also kind of sad that she doesn't feel able to say no to her adult son! Because she can still go with you, it just requires her to put her own wants and needs first, and say no to people pleasing her family. Maybe that's not what's happening, but would be my first instinct take on it. I'm sorry, I would be really annoyed and disappointed too. It's really not fair of her to let you down like this

Candleabra · 23/07/2022 13:05

That’s really rubbish of her. Of course you honour existing plans.
Is there anyone else you could invite? Presumably she will let you have her ticket as well now?

AmyDudley · 23/07/2022 13:09

In my opinion you honour the first made arrangement and don't accept any clashing invitations that come afterwards (apart from stuff like funerals obv.)
I think your friend is very rude and has let you down badly.
Are you happy to go on your own ? I wouldn't miss out because of her. I go, then when I got back say I'd met a better new friend 😀

Original poster

50mg · 23/07/2022 13:11

misskatamari · 23/07/2022 13:04

I'd be really annoyed to.

And also kind of sad that she doesn't feel able to say no to her adult son! Because she can still go with you, it just requires her to put her own wants and needs first, and say no to people pleasing her family. Maybe that's not what's happening, but would be my first instinct take on it. I'm sorry, I would be really annoyed and disappointed too. It's really not fair of her to let you down like this

This is the one thing that's letting me give a bit of sympathy. Probably does feel that there's no choice.

I'd have no problem saying no to my sons and TBH who wants their MIL at their 30th birthday anyway? 😆

I'm glad I'm not completely unreasonable to be feeling really quite annoyed though.

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pictish · 23/07/2022 13:16

“Would you have cancelled for DIL's birthday? Should I be all understanding or is it reasonable to let them know I'm not entirely happy with the decision?”

See this is what I most HATE about these scenarios…you’re damned either way. Go along with it, make the understanding noises and feel like a complete mug…or address it and be made the villain. These people know what they’re doing. Excuse makers, liars. Suit themselvers.
I have little tolerance for it.

SeasonFinale · 23/07/2022 13:19

misskatamari · 23/07/2022 13:04

I'd be really annoyed to.

And also kind of sad that she doesn't feel able to say no to her adult son! Because she can still go with you, it just requires her to put her own wants and needs first, and say no to people pleasing her family. Maybe that's not what's happening, but would be my first instinct take on it. I'm sorry, I would be really annoyed and disappointed too. It's really not fair of her to let you down like this

Maybe she is putting her own wants and needs first. Maybe she wants to be included by her DS in his celebrations he is organising for his wife.

Original poster

50mg · 23/07/2022 13:20

OMG I've just had a message about another, entirely different event, where train strikes will make things difficult (and which I'd already thought probably won't go ahead).

I typed out the response "never mind, you wouldn't have come if you got a better offer anyway" but I haven't sent it......yet.

I wouldn't want to destroy the friendship, but things like this do alter a friendship anyway, I find.

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BabyofMine · 23/07/2022 13:23

It’s rubbish and she absolutely could have said no.

I know you said it’s a niche activity that no-one else would be interested in, but I think it’s worth putting a post on Fb or any friend/family WhatsApp chats etc saying what the event is, and that someone has let you down and if anyone would like to come along for company? I would definitely be willing to go to something I’m not that interested in if it meant my friend was going to miss out on something they really wanted to do, you might be surprised and find one of your friends or acquaintances might go with you.

BellePeppa · 23/07/2022 13:25

50mg · 23/07/2022 13:20

OMG I've just had a message about another, entirely different event, where train strikes will make things difficult (and which I'd already thought probably won't go ahead).

I typed out the response "never mind, you wouldn't have come if you got a better offer anyway" but I haven't sent it......yet.

I wouldn't want to destroy the friendship, but things like this do alter a friendship anyway, I find.

I wouldn’t send that.

MatildaTheCat · 23/07/2022 13:26

I really hear you. I’ve got friends who definitely do prioritise anything to do with their adult children. However this time you had a firm commitment and I’d would be very disappointed and I’d say so. Could you message her or talk to her and tell her you really are sad about this and could she maybe celebrate with DS and his GF at another time? Lunch/ dinner? Likely to be more opportunity to chat anyway than a party.

I had a friend who was going to leave my very significant birthday lunch early so she could collect her teenage kids from the bus stop and give them their tea. I let it be know I was disappointed to hear that and she changed her plans.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 23/07/2022 13:27

I'm on the fence. I understand you feeling upset, and I would too, but I couldn't imagine wanting to miss a party my ds was throwing either. Had you spent any money with tickets etc, and is it really a once ina lifetime opportunity?

pictish · 23/07/2022 13:29

They do. I have had similar in the past and am much better at letting these people drift now. The regard, thought and effort is not being reciprocated and that’s fine…it doesn’t have to be…but I won’t be expending it any more either.

I’d reply, “Thanks for letting me know.”
Nothing else. It’s polite enough but doesn’t offer anything by way of sympathy either. Then I’d leave it up to her.

Original poster

50mg · 23/07/2022 13:29

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 23/07/2022 13:27

I'm on the fence. I understand you feeling upset, and I would too, but I couldn't imagine wanting to miss a party my ds was throwing either. Had you spent any money with tickets etc, and is it really a once ina lifetime opportunity?

No, there's no cost other than travel/refreshments. This particular event will never happen again. There will be other similar things, but not until next summer.

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PutinIsAWarCriminal · 23/07/2022 13:31

OMG I've just had a message about another, entirely different event, where train strikes will make things difficult (and which I'd already thought probably won't go ahead).

I typed out the response "never mind, you wouldn't have come if you got a better offer anyway" but I haven't sent it......yet.

This update doesn't do you any favours.

StClare101 · 23/07/2022 13:32

How odd…… she could easily have said she had plans.