To be realy put out by this from a friend?

[50mg]

We've had a trip planned for months. It's to go to a specific event, I.e. there won't be another opportunity.

Friend has just messaged to say adult son is planning a birthday party for his wife that evening, so friend can't come. Apparently friend has only just been told. Event is in 2 weeks.

I know family is important, upsetting DIL can be a bit of a minefield (although they don't seem to have that issue here) but AIBU to think that if someone invites you to a party with 2 weeks notice, they'll have to accept you might have plans. Or are parents, even of adult children, not allowed to have plans?

Would you have cancelled for DIL's birthday? Should I be all understanding or is it reasonable to let them know I'm not entirely happy with the decision?

FWIW it's quite a niche activity, there's not someone else who would want to come with me.

You are 100% right to be really really annoyed.

If I'd booked a non-moveable trip to say, a cookery course with my friend, and been looking forward to it, I would of course say 'oh I'm so sorry, son, I'm in London with Diane on that day, could we make it the Friday instead?'

Really bad form on your friend's part unless there is a deeper issue or reason.

Don't send that unless you want to really cut off the friendship.

I'm not going to send the message, but it is what I'm thinking

For me it would depend on her apology and if she has form for doing this sort of thing before

Sounds like she's trying to smooth things over if she's messaging about future events.

I'd be brief or even non-responsive on that for a while. You do want to be clear that she's upset you.

By sending a message about another thing that won't happen?

Unfortunately despite being the one let down, that message would just be deflected back on you, with you being marked as the unreasonable party and left feeling sad and foolish. You are right not to send it.

YANBU, your friend has proven her unreliability and I wouldn't be relying on her again for anything. I get that she might have felt put on the spot by her DIL, but with 2 weeks notice against a ticketed event that's been in the diary for ages, your friend should have prioritised the event. She obviously wasn't overly bothered by going.

I wouldn't send that text you suggested, I'd make your point by finding someone else to attend these things with, or if she is going with you and it is something you don't want to go to alone, include someone else in the tickets so if she pulls out again at the eleventh hour you still have someone to go with. I know she isn't doing it all the time, but the fact that she has prioritised a non-urgent event over going with you to something you were looking forward to means she can, and probably will do it again.

I can understand that you're disappointed, but she is in a really awkward position here- She doesn't want to miss her DIL's 30th birthday, which is understandable. I've been in your position before and really don't judge my mates for it- It's ok to feel disappointed but I don't want to cause them extra stress or make them feel guilty.

@50mg

I meant if you're friend is messaging to say 'looking forward to XYZ in a few weeks' she's trying to connect with you and forget about where she's let you down.

Unless she's saying 'I guess XYZ won't happen either?'?

I don’t really understand why you are so annoyed, tbh. You can still go, right?

Totally flaky. I'd not be seeing her again

Yes, that's exactly what shes saying.

There's always one. Yes, I can still go, but it will be an entirely different experience and doesn't change the fact that I've been let down over plans made long ago.

Me either unless you want to end the friendship.

being none responsive isn’t a good way to deal with problems and borders on manipulative.

Use words, say you are disappointed and you just need some time to process, or better words to that effect. Communication is always better even if the other person annoyed you

she preferred to go to her sons party over going out with you dosent take much working out! Hope you can still go.

Yes it's kind of rude.

Just reply something back that makes it clear that you've seen her message but aren't too happy about it.

Eg "Noted".

I suspect there’s a bit more behind this if it really is a 30th organised with 2 weeks notice. Possibly her ds may be in a panic because he realises he’s left things too late and she needs to help bail him out, especially in holiday season

She has to piss off her child or her friend. It's going to be the friend. Though she could have told him, 'I had promised 50mg I'd go out with her that night, so if you are inviting me out of politenes sbut DiL would actually be more relaxed in her own friendship group I'll stick with plan A.'

But if it isn't a big ticket event and similar events will come along another time, I'd let it be. I would think that a friend's family member's milestone birthday trumps a free event, however much in advance the date was planned.

I'd be tempted to send that . . . but I wouldn't

I bet her son wants her to make the sandwiches and do the dishes at the party….

She can't win with that event. She knows it'll cause drama if she doesn't go and it's probably best for her sanity she attends her DIL party.

Yes it's shit but ultimately she may well have grandchildren etc eventually and understandably wants to keep her family happy.

In your position, I wouldn't discard the friendship but I also would assume that she is flakey when making any future plans.

I'd be pissed off privately, because of the disappointment, but her DIL's 30th celebration obviously for her and for whatever reason trumps the event with you, even if it was booked in advance. And her DIL is never going to have that particular celebration again either.

She may well have preferred the event with you, but a family event took precedent.