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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be realy put out by this from a friend?

207 replies

50mg · 23/07/2022 12:50

We've had a trip planned for months. It's to go to a specific event, I.e. there won't be another opportunity.

Friend has just messaged to say adult son is planning a birthday party for his wife that evening, so friend can't come. Apparently friend has only just been told. Event is in 2 weeks.

I know family is important, upsetting DIL can be a bit of a minefield (although they don't seem to have that issue here) but AIBU to think that if someone invites you to a party with 2 weeks notice, they'll have to accept you might have plans. Or are parents, even of adult children, not allowed to have plans?

Would you have cancelled for DIL's birthday? Should I be all understanding or is it reasonable to let them know I'm not entirely happy with the decision?

FWIW it's quite a niche activity, there's not someone else who would want to come with me.

OP posts:
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 23/07/2022 15:00

50mg · 23/07/2022 14:49

What's the friendship been like since?

Show quote history

Lasted a few more months, but then she left town, and we never saw each other again (she was a work colleague.) No loss tbh.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 23/07/2022 15:02

@50mg She said sorry about 10 times, (when I got back,) but tbh, I never forgave her. I tolerated her and was civil because I had to be, coz we worked together.. But when she left the area, she distributed her new phone number (no mobiles or internet then,) and her new address, but I never got in touch again. She never made contact either though... Knew her for 3-4 years in total.

Aprilx · 23/07/2022 15:04

Assuming she has not got form and is genuinely apologetic, I think you need to cut her some slack. It is not her fault that her son has only just mentioned the party. She probably feels like she cannot be a no show to her DIL’s 30th birthday, I don’t blame her really, it is a relationship she is wise to work on.

Your propelled response sounds petulant, please do not send that.

KosherDill · 23/07/2022 15:05

PinaColadaSunset · 23/07/2022 14:53

If people have let me down in the past I think twice about arranging anything with them in the future (unless I don’t care either way about it and there is no financial cost).

I’d respond in a very neutral way, “Thanks for letting me know” and leave it at that.

Agree with this. Grey rock her and seek new friends.

Original poster
50mg · 23/07/2022 15:06

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 23/07/2022 15:02

@50mg She said sorry about 10 times, (when I got back,) but tbh, I never forgave her. I tolerated her and was civil because I had to be, coz we worked together.. But when she left the area, she distributed her new phone number (no mobiles or internet then,) and her new address, but I never got in touch again. She never made contact either though... Knew her for 3-4 years in total.

This friend isn't even apologetic. Just putting it as having no choice. Clearly a decision was made, maybe the right one, but at least admit you made a choice!

OP posts:
Mary46 · 23/07/2022 15:07

Yes its not nice op. But maybe say you felt quite hurt. Yes people so flaky these days I find.....

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 23/07/2022 15:08

Sorry you have had to tolerate this @50mg And your friend is a shit for doing this! Flowers Is there absolutely no-one who could replace her? Can you go alone? (Not great I know!)

PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 15:12

I don’t agree - YABU and possibly about to lose a friend who hasn’t done anything wrong. She has given you two weeks notice for a free event. You have lost nothing.

I feel sorry for your friend that two things she would like to do came up in the same day. It’s obvious to me that she would want to go to the 30th birthday (that IS a big birthday). Unless you are travelling across the continents to see her, she is going to that.

OP, do you work/have a full diary? Because two weeks notice for a free evening event is actually pretty good going for people balancing children friends work and so on.

TedMullins · 23/07/2022 15:13

Of course she’s out of order, you honour the first thing you’ve committed to unless someone dies! The concept of inviting parents/in-laws to a 30th is bizarre to me tbh. I’d much rather have fun with my friends on my birthday. Will her son or DIL actually care if she doesn’t go?

Original poster
50mg · 23/07/2022 15:14

PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 15:12

I don’t agree - YABU and possibly about to lose a friend who hasn’t done anything wrong. She has given you two weeks notice for a free event. You have lost nothing.

I feel sorry for your friend that two things she would like to do came up in the same day. It’s obvious to me that she would want to go to the 30th birthday (that IS a big birthday). Unless you are travelling across the continents to see her, she is going to that.

OP, do you work/have a full diary? Because two weeks notice for a free evening event is actually pretty good going for people balancing children friends work and so on.

As it happens I haven't lost "nothing". I've had a personal tragedy, which friend knows about and have been "keeping busy" to cope, which friend also knows. I turned down two other invitations for that weekend because I was already committed....

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 15:15

And FGS do not send any of these pass-agg ‘I’m so hurt’ prissy emails or texts that other posters have suggested!

Take your disappointment with good grace. These things happen. Be cheerful and understanding and you may find you have more people who want to do things with you.

Perple · 23/07/2022 15:17

@PersonaNonGarter - being a doormat doesn’t get you good friends…

PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 15:17

I am sorry to hear you have had a personal tragedy. Your friend hasn’t cost you a ticket.

If you had two other things to do that weekend, why not pick up those offers?

ddl1 · 23/07/2022 15:17

I'd be annoyed too. But no point in sending snarky messages; just be cautious in the future about making long-term plans with her. An existing long-term commitment comes first. If someone was ill, or there was some emergency, that would be different; but not just to attend a spur-of-the-moment party. She could have paid a special visit to her DIL with gifts on another day.

Original poster
50mg · 23/07/2022 15:18

PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 15:15

And FGS do not send any of these pass-agg ‘I’m so hurt’ prissy emails or texts that other posters have suggested!

Take your disappointment with good grace. These things happen. Be cheerful and understanding and you may find you have more people who want to do things with you.

I have plenty of people who want to do things with me, thank you and I've been saying no to them because I was already committed to this event with this friend. It was their plan, it's not like they were doing me a favour!

OP posts:
Original poster
50mg · 23/07/2022 15:19

PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 15:17

I am sorry to hear you have had a personal tragedy. Your friend hasn’t cost you a ticket.

If you had two other things to do that weekend, why not pick up those offers?

Because frankly I don't want to say "remember that friend I couldn't cancel to come out with you, well they've cancelled...."

Plus they'll have made other plans now.

There are far more important "costs" in life than monetary ones imo.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 15:20

Urgh. This is not ‘being a doormat’ FGS. It’s called understanding. And yes it gets you lots of good friends.

Most of the advice on this thread either wants to 1) make the friend go to an event when we know she would rather be somewhere else or 2) make the friend feel bad about going to the party, just to make her feel bad. Or 3) some combination.

What is the point? This is how old women end up lonely!

diddl · 23/07/2022 15:21

I have to say that it's not obvious to me that she would rather go to her DIL's 30th that what she has planned with Op.

SalviaOfficinalis · 23/07/2022 15:28

I’d be annoyed. I wouldn’t fall out with her about it, but I wouldn’t pretend that it was fine either.

If it’s just the two of you going it’s really unfair - yes you can still technically go, but not many people enjoy going to events alone.

HyggeandTea · 23/07/2022 15:31

Your friend does not want to go to the event with you.
That's a shame, and she will be aware she has let you down and may, or may not, want to make it up to you.
Of course you feel annoyed; what happens next is in your hands. Personally I would go on my own or take up one of the other offers. Life is for living and often takes a bit of an unexpected curve.

PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 15:35

I’d be annoyed. I wouldn’t fall out with her about it, but I wouldn’t pretend that it was fine either.

Why not? Why not just let it go and let her feel good about the party (or at least not bad)? What is it going to achieve?

Easilystartled · 23/07/2022 15:36

I’m dying to know what the free niche event is!! Maybe someone on here would want to go too op if you share…..

Arenanewbie · 23/07/2022 15:38

I think @JustLyra got it right : either her DS forgot to tell her or to organise it and now she sees as her priority to rescue him. She might be a bit of martyr or maybe things are not good between her and DIL or DS and DIL. I think the fact that it’s a free event makes it more difficult to accept it as an important one for her family. She didn't apologised because she saw the commitments and priorities differently then you. She probably even thought that you would understand being her friend.

It’s not right to cancel plans with you but I wouldn’t hold it against her much.

JustJeans · 23/07/2022 15:38

My mum would do this.
I preface every invite with "do you have any plans on X date" and she always answers 'no'.
I'll arrange the activity, checking a few times whether she's sure she's free, only to find out later that she did have plans and has let someone down.
It's so frustrating because I could usually have rearranged in some way. When I pull her up on it, she will only say that 'family comes first' or some other rubbish.
I don't know what she tells the people she lets down.

ddl1 · 23/07/2022 15:40

PersonaNonGarter · 23/07/2022 15:35

I’d be annoyed. I wouldn’t fall out with her about it, but I wouldn’t pretend that it was fine either.

Why not? Why not just let it go and let her feel good about the party (or at least not bad)? What is it going to achieve?

Because this was arranged MONTHS in advance, and it's not really on to suddenly cancel it for a party. I wouldn't make a fuss -what's the point of doing so?- but it isn't great behaviour.