To be realy put out by this from a friend?

[50mg]

We've had a trip planned for months. It's to go to a specific event, I.e. there won't be another opportunity.

Friend has just messaged to say adult son is planning a birthday party for his wife that evening, so friend can't come. Apparently friend has only just been told. Event is in 2 weeks.

I know family is important, upsetting DIL can be a bit of a minefield (although they don't seem to have that issue here) but AIBU to think that if someone invites you to a party with 2 weeks notice, they'll have to accept you might have plans. Or are parents, even of adult children, not allowed to have plans?

Would you have cancelled for DIL's birthday? Should I be all understanding or is it reasonable to let them know I'm not entirely happy with the decision?

FWIW it's quite a niche activity, there's not someone else who would want to come with me.

OP my ex friend begged me to go to Glastonbury - I got the tickets, sorted train fare so we're travelling from her city and not mine, train tickets were to be collected from the train station.

1 hour before I was to leave my city for her city via coach - she messaged to say she couldn't go!!!

She left me no time at all to get someone else.
I couldn't go on my own as I missed the coach reading her message and in shock and couldn't catch the train - I would've gone on my own and waited for someone to meet me down there, whatever
But this b*tch friend didn't give me any options.
I don't know why she did it - she got a better offer but what was better than Glastonbury last minute? Must've been a man! (That's not worth missing anything for)

I’d be disappointed to in your position but maybe her son has arranged a proper party for that night and is going on the night that suits him and his wife. I arranged my 30th birthday for a night that suited me, I sadly couldn’t please everyone else’s social arrangements. If they couldn’t make it then that’s fair enough but she sounds like she doesn’t want to create any friction with her son and dil which is fair enough!
is there anyone else you can go with to still enjoy your night?
Im sorry it’s happened but unless you want to throw away your friendship, I’d just reply with sorry to hear that, rotten you’ll miss out and then I’d leave it like that.

Because OP has already committed to other things. Which then her 'friend' cancelled. I'd be furious and would be the end of a friendship for me.

Yes I'd be annoyed and would probably say "I'm disappointed especially given we have had this booked for ages and it's only two week away."

I’m quite surprised at the other posters responses.

You don’t just can out on friends for a better offer or for a late invitation. It’s doubly rude and thoughtless of your friend given that you have recently had a personal tragedy and are trying to keep occupied with friends.

If she felt pressured into going from obligation the polite thing to do would have been to ask if you minded and offered to make it up to at a later date. I hope you are able to go solo to your planned event. Even if it’s a niche thing, I’d ask some one to come, I’d accompany a friend to that if I felt they needed the company if I was free, I just generally enjoy my friends company and don’t mind what we get up to while I spend time with them.

Sorry your friend is so thoughtless.

Really not sure what the OP has to gain by doing anything other than replying ‘oh no, you’ll be missed! But have an absolutely lovely time at DIL’s 30th. See you soon x’

Just because it is disappointing does not mean it is a good idea to pass on bad vibes. It will weaken the OP’s friendship and upset the friend and will not make it less not more likely that they have a nice evening out together.

Absolutely this.

It's not entitlement to have the basic manners not to back out of an arrangement because something else comes up.🙄

Good gracious I taught this to my 5 year old children when things they preferred came up after committing to something else, and they were able to grasp it.

A DIL's party makes no difference.

I would be unimpressed, even more so if I had declined other invitations.

OP, perfectly reasonable for you to not make firm arrangements ahead of time with her again.

OP, can you share what the event was? Maybe someone from here would like to go.
If it's a poultry show, I'm totally in. (That's probably not too niche but nobody shares my passion for chickens around here. 😃)

@PersonaNonGarter she should feel bad though, it’s incredibly rude to cancel for a better offer.

I'm sorry you've been disappointed, OP, but it sounds like your friend may have a tricky situation with her DIL and feels caught between a rock and a hard place. She may feel it's necessary to keep the peace in the family no matter how much she'd like to honour her commitment to you.

I'm also sorry you've had a personal tragedy, I know things may still feel very raw. But that's not actually your friend's responsibility.

It may be that both of you are feeling a lot of emotional "weight," her in connection to tricky family politics, and you about feeling vulnerable due to your recent loss, that may be difficult to communicate to each other.

I hope you'll be able to continue being friends. Sometimes people disappoint us in particular ways or particular times, but if we can let go of that disappointment after a while, a valuable friendship can continue.

Sorry for your loss.

I'm really confused by this niche event btw, seems a bit late in the year for sheep shearing but it's all I can think of.....

FWIW it's only a party at home/in the garden. I'm sure it will be lovely, but there no fixed venue or anything.

It's a sports event where you can just turn up.

@PersonaNonGarter, I have zero interest in doormat friendships at all costs.

I value my friends and their time.

Likewise they value me.

We do not drop each other like this.

We are all busy people and whilst we would be 100% understanding of a genuine reason, a last minute party invite would not cut it in the case of a long held arrangement.

Basic courtesy and respect would preclude us from doing this, and I have friendships 45+ years in duration.

YANBU. Absolutely crap from your friend. She's only in a difficult position because of the son - he's given short notice, but if she were that essential a guest he'd have given her an option on dates.

He didn't, so she should have declined as already committed to you, and their event isn't important enough to let you down so late IMO. Sorry OP.

Those who say OP shouldn't let her friend know that she's disappointed because it will weaken the friendship, I don't get that. The friend already has weakened the friendship by cancelling. The existing engagement should be honoured unless it's a genuine emergency. A last minute DIL birthday party is not an emergency and could be missed.
If it was me OP, I would express my disappointment and in future, would not make any arrangements with this friend. I think sometimes people forget the importance of friendships. Not everyone has loads of family so friends are very important. Especially as you say you're going through a hard time at the moment. I don't have much family so when I've been let down like this it feels like a real slap in the face and shows a lack of regard for the other person. Have you at least been invited to the party?

And if there IS a backstory with the DIL which leaves your friend unable to decline the party then she owes you the courtesy of a big apology and explanation.

As it happens I haven't lost "nothing". I've had a personal tragedy, which friend knows about and have been "keeping busy" to cope, which friend also knows. I turned down two other invitations for that weekend because I was already committed....

OP what's she like generally? Is she usually reliable, or is she someone who expects you to be there for her but doesn't see the need to reciprocate?

I don’t see how the location of the party is relevant. It is still her DIL’s birthday party, she didn’t plan it, didn’t know about it until now and obviously feels she needs to show her face. There is also a full two weeks notice!

But what the hell, you seem determined to drag this out as if nobody has ever been cancelled on before. So send your snotty message and then block her, you will be much happier for it.

Billy same here. I have no time for time wasters or people letting me down. The poor op that was a long standing social thing. I hate going to things on my own.

I don't know if it's relevant or not, that's why I said Fwiw, but it's a last minute party at home, not in the actual birthday. If it's important that friend is there, date could surely be changed?

As for a full 2 weeks notice, there'd been a full month's notice of our plans

I wouldn't be annoyed it's family if she had made plans with another friend then yes but she can't really say no to her son can she.

Can't she? She couldn't say "I've already agreed to something else. So sorry to miss it, hope DIL has a lovely time"?

Full 6 months'

Yep this. ^ The woman is not much a friend to do this to the OP.

Good grief, calm down! You seem to be taking it very personally . Are you the OP's 'friend?'