To be realy put out by this from a friend?

[50mg]

We've had a trip planned for months. It's to go to a specific event, I.e. there won't be another opportunity.

Friend has just messaged to say adult son is planning a birthday party for his wife that evening, so friend can't come. Apparently friend has only just been told. Event is in 2 weeks.

I know family is important, upsetting DIL can be a bit of a minefield (although they don't seem to have that issue here) but AIBU to think that if someone invites you to a party with 2 weeks notice, they'll have to accept you might have plans. Or are parents, even of adult children, not allowed to have plans?

Would you have cancelled for DIL's birthday? Should I be all understanding or is it reasonable to let them know I'm not entirely happy with the decision?

FWIW it's quite a niche activity, there's not someone else who would want to come with me.

I don’t understand it when friends fall out so easily if it was me I would have said it’s not a problem I hope you have a lovely time at the party and wished your friend well. If the role was reversed would you want your friend to understand your point of view. I know it’s a disappointment especially at the last minute but it’s life it happens all the time so take it in your stride and either go alone or see if anyone else wants to join you it’s not worth ruining a friendship for.

Can you invite yourself to the DIL’s party, might be fun

If it was her DS's birthday she should go but she should not cancel for DIL.

I’m thinking she’s putting family first. Don’t hold it against her. She’s your friend. Be a big girl and be happy for her hanging a son that wants her their.
So sorry if you felt this harsh but really be a good friend and accept this unplanned situation.

‘Having a son’

I had similar with my hen party, my closest friend pushed me to have a hen party, so I organised and invited a few people, then the morning of my party she cancelled on me with some stupid excuse, when I said to her I was only having this night out because of her she said 'I'm so sorry, I will definitely go out the next time with you'. I just said,im never going to get married again so there wont be another hen party. That was 7yrs ago now, I've never been out drinking with her since, definitely affected our relationship. We are no longer close.

Seems like a lot of people pulling out on trips from my experience with friends it’s normally that money has become an issue. Not surprised with the current climate and obviously too embarrassed to tell you so they’ve made an excuse

It could be that DS chose that day because he knew she wouldn’t be available & it’s backfired!
or is that just too twisted 😀

Is this a comic convention by any chance?

No No Don't do that unless you absolutely want to fall out beyond repair with your friend

Be a good doormat, rather.

That "family first " twaddle as an excuse for rudeness really gets old.

@PersonaNonGarter exactly this! Not sure if OP has said - does this friend cancel a lot. Is this her first time cancelling? You can’t just write someone off because they cancelled on you that one time. Maybe she doesn’t want to rock the boat with her son and knows that as her supposed friend you’d understand better.

just let it go. If she does it again and again then yes, friendship is not valued. I have had a friend who cancelled on me a few days before because her brother decided to have a birthday party for his son after all. She felt awful and apologised, I was gutted and annoyed and told her she literally owed me. I didn’t just cancel her out and regard her as an unreliable friend. These things happen!

YANBU, but neither is friend. It wouldn’t go down well I would guess if she says she can’t make the party for her DIL, although if I were her I would gently suggest to her son if there was a chance of changing the date. I can understand your disappointment though, and wouldn’t be happy about it.

Ok - so it's not really a big deal then. You were accompanying her to something she wanted to go to and has now made a decision, (which may very well have been difficult for her) that she needs to go to the party. You are disappointed, especially as you wouldn't have done that to her and you had turned down a couple of other invitations. I think that's the real problem here.

Unless she makes a habit of making dates to do things with you and then breaking them, I think you need to just accept your disappointment and find something else to do on the day in question. The fact she is now questioning another date you have when the trains may be affected doesn't really count as 'making a habit of breaking meet ups' as it sounds sensible to me

Can see things from both sides her, but I think you are being a little unreasonable here. Not a lot, but definitely on that side of the fence. Sorry

Flakey!
She doesn’t value OP or her time.

You can find better friends OP. She’s ones of those people to spend time with if it suits you OP but don’t ever rely on her again.

I’d really like to know what the event is?
is it possible she’s not really thst into it and is making excuses ?

My mum is in her 70s with a significantly busier social life then me. I would never assume she was free and equally if she had plans when I wanted to do something she would simply reply with a no sorry can't I'm busy.

I'm going against the grain here, but I'd mostly prioritise family events unless I absolutely couldn't. Especially big milestones. In response to "who would want their MIL at their birthday anyway? Me! 😂
We're pretty family centric and I love my in laws.
However, I absolutely understand you are upset.

I would be annoyed too. I find it rude and annoying if people say yes to something then bail to do something else. I would never do that and neither would any of my friends. If you’ve said yes to something, it’s a commitment that shouldn’t be broken unless there’s an emergency. She should have just said no to the new thing because she already had a commitment with you that day.

Surely though having already planned something for that date means you “absolutely can’t” make the family event?

Who would want MIL at their birthday party? YANBU...... cannot help but think it is somewhat of an excuse by your friend to get out of it!

Sorry all..... Haven't read all responses re MIL actually being missed at DIL party! ! !

I think whether to tell her how you feel depends on how much you value the friendship and how open she is. I have a good friend who kept bailing on trips because something else (family-related) came up. She kept finding herself in situations where she felt torn. I told her really honestly how it made me feel and how it’s important to me to be able to rely on my friends’ word as that’s how I roll too. I asked her to not say yes to something in future unless she really meant it. She agreed and we haven’t had any problems since.

I think you either address your annoyance head on in a non passive aggressive way or you say nothing at all.

@TedMullins from what the op has said, it's something she didn't really want to go to. It was her friend that pushed her and it's a free event. In this instance you "absolutely can't" doesn't apply in my eyes.
If, however, my friend was out of pocket and had paid for a very expensive event, that would be different.
It's life, things happen, especially when you have children. I have had friends have to prioritise family events and I have had to do the same myself. I certainly wouldn't fall out over it 🤷‍♀️